Sufferer Ptsd, Ocd, Panic Disorder

[Logi]

hello, I am new here, I stumbled upon this site when I was searching for information on ongoing PTSD and misdiagnosis. This is going to be a long post so I appreciate anyone with the time to read and respond. I was first diagnosed with PTSD and OCD when I was 20 (ten years ago) my PTSD was caused by being sexually assaulted in a room full of people when I was incapacitated. I don't remember much of my treatment from the initial diagnosis but I do know that they tried EMDR and I really didn't like it. I found a new doctor and I don't believe my PTSD diagnosis came with me to my new doctor, only that I had OCD and panic disorder. I have suffered from panic attacks since my initial diagnosis, but I am wondering if I could still be suffering from PTSD from more recent events. I don't know much about PTSD but I am trying to find out what is wrong with me.
In March of 2014 my husband and I were expecting to find out the gender of our first baby, instead during the ultrasound we found out that our baby had a terminal NTD defect called anencephaly. I literally felt my world shatter. I have long been a hypochondriac but I was not expecting to receive such news. Being an emotionally fragile person, I knew I would not be able to handle my baby girl dying in my arms, and so we decided to terminate the pregnancy.. I was 19 weeks pregnant. The following months were an extreme blur for me and I was self medicating with alcohol and other things. I landed in the hospital 3 times within 2 months because I was convinced I was dying of a heart attack or I had the sensation that my throat was closing up. After 3 months I knew that if I continued to live how I was that it wouldn't be long until I drank myself to death. We decided to try for another baby and I got pregnant right away, only to miscarry as soon as I got a positive HPT. I ended up getting pregnant again the following month, and this time it stuck. I spent my entire pregnancy obsessing about everything that could go wrong and laying in my bed anxious out of my mind 90% of the time. I had a very difficult time attending the ultrasounds and there were a lot of them. My stress was so bad that my blood pressure became dangerously high and I was given a c-section. My son was healthy and I was of course relieved, but still had constant thoughts of something terrible happening to him.. my imagination didn't stop and I had continuous intrusive thoughts of him dying from pretty much anything (i.e car accident, choking, drowning, falling on the tile, etc) it didn't help that they thought he maybe had a brain tumor or hydrocephalus because of my history and his large head size and we had to take him for 2 MRIs before he was 9 months old. All very stressful situations. Luckily my son is now nearly 2 and perfectly healthy, but my story doesn't stop there. I continued to have intrusive thoughts and I thought that it was my OCD, but now I am wondering if it may have been PTSD as well. I wasn't sleeping or eating and I was engaging in compulsions to calm my anxiety.. I finally sought out a new psychiatrist and started on An SSRI for OCD called Luvox. I am so glad the Luvox had a chance to kick in before I found out that In July of last year my husband had cheated on me while I was pregnant and shortly after our son was born with my best friend who lived with us (her fiancé also lived with us) so basically as soon as I was able to finally begin to recover my world was turned upside down once again and I lost my mind. Like curled in a ball screaming not comprehending reality sort of lost it. I have a way of putting on that my symptoms aren't as severe when I see my Dr and I don't know why. My husband and I also began to see a therapist together but she doesn't diagnose since she isn't a dr. Now I am going on almost 3 years without having a full time job and I feel like I just couldn't handle any more stress. I have really bad insomnia and constant flashbacks, it's become so that I barely leave the house even though my medicine is supposed to help me. I am starting to think that I might not be better yet and I am not sure how long this is supposed to last or even what is exactly wrong with me! It seems like I have so many different opinions and diagnosises that I am not sure which is correct. I am also terrified that if I do anything wrong to my husband he will end up suicidal again ( he has been suicidal twice this year and he spent New Years at the mental health hospital) I'm not even sure if I can contribute any of my feelings to that, but I am pretty lost and I really just need some proper help. Thanks for listening. Sorry if this is long and all over the place, but that is all I can do at this stage.

 

[Logi]

I don't know how to edit my post but I guess my basic question is could I have PTSD? I am not sure how long it lasts but my bad times seem to come in waves and I am currently experiencing a "bad" time. I am wondering if this is something I need to look into or if it is my OCD. How can I know the difference?!

 

[talon]

hello, I am new here, I stumbled upon this site when I was searching for information on ongoing PTSD and m...

You really have been through the mill so first thing may I say that i have empathy for your situation but the positive is that you are a survivor and not a victim so apologies are not required . It does not help that your husband has issues to which means it's twice as difficult but now you are here that's a good start and a very positive one. Life can be very hard and at times we doubt we can survive and become anxious that if things are getting better that it can't / won't last and anxiety sets in and that's normal to. You are a strong person that's very obvious . It may seem strange but when it comes to MH we tend to take what's offered as we feel that's what we deserve. When we have new windows or some DIY it's usually suggested we get more than one quote. MH is far more important than that so equally we should ensure we get the very best support . Speak with your doctor and get a second opinion if necessary whatever you do never give up because life will get better. Tell yourself you are a special person because you are and that's not being vain that's because we tend to undervalue who we are and how others feel about you. Time to put you first for your son's sake . Set some ground rules about equal participation in creating a coping mechanism and support for all. Together we are stronger tell your husband how you feel and no apologies . You have right's and that means you have a right to be happy . You are here so you are not alone.

 

[Logi]

I also want to add that the anniversary of the termination of my pregnancy is right around the corner.. I didn't even realize this consciously until now but maybe it is my subconscious? I had nightmares last night that I was standing in line at a abortion clinic about to abort a perfectly healthy baby and I didn't want to... I don't know what kept me there in my dream, but it was something I was being forced into by an unknown entity. I had such a hard time going to sleep for the past couple of nights(even more so than usual) and every single sound outside of my window makes me jump. I have traumatic responses to almost every single sound. Otherwise I just feel listless and empty. I don't even feel depressed or sad anymore, just this feeling like I am sort of just drifting through time attempting to avoid pretty much everything,but I don't want to feel this way! I want to feel things like happiness or even anger, or anything at all. I guess the most prominent feeling I have is fear. I am out of my anti-anxiety meds and I have recently quit drinking. Is this a normal part of the process when I no longer have my normal go-to coping mechanism available to me? I am not currently practicing any of my compulsions and I think my medication has helped with that, but I can't even find a reason to clean my house anymore without that aspect of my personality and have considered stopping my Luvox even though it has helped stop my continuous obsessive thoughts. I am thinking that these feelings I have are beyond the OCD because it has manifested in such a different way that is hard for me to understand or grasp.

You really have been through the mill so first thing may I say that i have empathy for your situat...

Thank you for your supportive response, Robert. I do know that I am not a victim so I accept that. I believe It's has been very difficult for me to cope because I don't have a good support system. My own mother has blamed me for the affair and my husband's mother had recently decided to run a smear campaign against me calling me all sorts of things but the one that upsets me the most is that she questioned my ability to mother my child. I know in my heart that it isn't true because I have the ability to put my son first and look out for him and care for him, even if I can't always care for myself. It's almost an instinctual feeling that I have despite my shortcomings I know I am a capable and loving mother. I believe that my husband's poor mental health is also related to our loss and the things that followed because he refused to seek help. I begged him for months to see a therapist because I didn't think he was processing the grief. He ended up in a very dark place and the only escape was admitting to what he had done. I went on a bender when I found out and pretty much did everything I could to feel like I deserved everything that has happened. I still can't stop blaming myself for everything. I am coming to terms with the fact that I actual regret my decision to not continue my pregnancy and feel extremely guilty for it. Up until a couple of months ago I could have told you I had no regrets about my decision. I felt something change inside of me that day I found out about the affair. It's hard to explain but almost like something had to happen in order to preserve the last bit of my sanity. It's almost like I don't even accept the things that are happening. I wasn't even very upset when my husband was suicidal because I simply can't processes the thought of him taking his life, it can't happen. My brain will just not even go there. I don't know how to sum up my feelings so my apologies if this is confusing and long winded. I appreciate the support.

 

[Beaglefan61]

I am sorry for the assault that happened to you. You are describing a lot of PTSD symptoms for what you are going through. Such said you apologize for being all over the place, well being hyper organized and this don't always go together so well, so please be gentle with you during hard times and just know that is where you are at on things. It takes time and support getting through the memories and all the feelings that come up with it. Coming here for support is a good idea as many get caught when they have few friends or few who are really friends and find they do need more comfort and sharing. I hope it will help. Sorry this response isn't longer and more detailed but it is one of those times for me i am a bit all over the place.