Supporter Ptsd Or "he's Just Not That Into You"

[JarHed]

I always find the threads and posts here very thoughtful and insightful as well.

It can be very disconcerting when you find out you have PTSD. Like most, probably, at first I denied it. But it didn't take long to look at the facts and situations in my life to make me realize that it was true. In a way, in hindsight, I was relieved. I really did think I was just 'crazy', you know one of those 'crazy 'nam vet guys'.

My wife has been my support team and the rock when I needed it. I'm not sure I'd still be here if not for her or perhaps because of her. If you have someone like that or you're that person my hats off to you. It's a hard path to walk toward improving this condition, it's certainly easier with someone that cares.

So Margaret at this point perhaps being a supportive friend in a kind of open ended relationship may be best for you both. He will certainly benefit from your caring and you'll still have a friend. As I said before, you're a caring person and for sure one thing the world will always be in need of is love.

Have a wonderful day ya'll

JarHed

 

[Margaret60]

Solara,
I meant no offense in what I wrote, I didn't choose my words carefully so I apologize. It's strickly my own situation, not assuming any one person with PTSD is exactly the same. I was trying to show my compasion, not pity for him or anyone with PTSD.

 

[Al_Lurker]

@Margaret60 I've heard it said that it's best not to enter a relationship with anyone hoping or expecting them to change. It's a predetermined outcome. In the case of someone who suffers from ptsd you can hope that they will progress toward a better place if they want for themselves but you can't pin yor hopes on them to be different than they are even if the make extreme progress. The wound may heal but the scars will remain.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Margaret60]

OK, so now it's time to make some decisions. He called me last night, aplogized for his part in not contacting and explained it as just being "him" and having soo much going on. He said the day of the concert he was going to surprise me and come with his daughter and then she bailed. I want to belive him but not really sure. So after talking for awhile and clearing the air, we decided to see each other on Sat. In order for me to decide about whether to continue seeing him, in the most delicate way I know how, can I ask him more about his PTSD since he had already told me he has it? I want to know if crowds are an issue but if he's in denial, I wouldn't have a clue how to ask. If he's aware and just hasn't shared that information, then he might be able to talk about it????????

 

[Echo]

How about asking him what he would need from a potential partner in terms of understanding and support? You'd be interested to know, whenever he's ready, whatever he wants to tell you about it?

I'm not quite following why it is such an issue for him to be able to deal with crowds, but then I suppose I have never expected my other halves to want to do everything with me, nor have I wanted to get involved with all their interests. Good to have some air between you, just as long as you do share interests and special time. But everyone's different, of course, and the important thing is to know your own deal-breakers.

 

[JarHed]

I'm not quite following why it is such an issue for him to be able to deal with crowds

Hey Echo

It's one of the effects of combat PTSD. Too many people and no control of the situation. It's part of the hyper-alterness and anxiety we feel when in that kind of place. I don't know if or how it affects other people with PTSD but combat vets, yes. I suffered with that for years. It's only through therapy that I learned to deal with it better. It does take time and work.

And Margaret, I would say that you could ask him about his PTSD but understand that he just may not be ready to talk about it. There is definitely a time when you first are diagnosed that you either don't or can't come to terms with that. Again, time is the factor.

Unfortunately, there are more stories of failed relationships where combat PTSD is concerned. Hate to be negative but it's better to know than not. He may really want a relationship but just not be at the place where it's possible for him. Or the other side of the coin, he doesn't know what he wants from your current relationship.

JarHed

 

[Echo]

@JarHed - you misunderstand me. No doubt my fault. What I meant was why is it such an issue for Margaret, not her boyfriend. I have CPTSD; I know about crowds, etc. Combat PTSD is not really so different. My therapist says it is all the same in essence. What happens to us to cause it, i.e. our personal stories, bring different triggers, but the root causes are the same.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Echo

Sorry about that. I did misunderstand.

What happens to us to cause it, i.e. our personal stories, bring different triggers, but the root causes are the same.

PTSD is just a crappy thing to have whatever the root cause. It can make a mess of relationships. Most of the guys that I know that are 'Nam Vets have been married more than once and most divorced within a few years of returning from overseas.

JarHed

 

[Margaret60]

Update: After a two week hiding period he finally surfaced and we talked a little about his PTSD. He brought it up (thank goodness) and said he was distant because he was in his own internal turmoil and didn't want to subject me to it. Wouldn't go into detail but I expressed knowlege of how I know it's different for each person since each person has had different experiences. He knows I have a BA in Psychology so I refered to that to make him think I knew something about PTSD through my studies. Since he brought it up, I took the opportunity to ask if if he also had experiences where now, he doesn't do crowds. He got really quiet but finally said, no, that wasn't an issue. The silence was noticable but for now he denied it. I didn't push it and let it drop. This discussion was the day after we actually went to the "comedy club" the night before. It was packed but he didn't show any body language that indicated he was uncomfortable or irratible so possibly larger venues might be an issue but I'm still in the dark on that one.

I found out a little bit more about what he did in Iraq. He was a commander in charge of delivering convoys of supplies from one point to another. So on a daily basis he was being shot at and in charge of many soldiers.

Because our relationship (if you can call it that) is so new, I don't think he knows what he wants from it. He acts like he wants a serious relationship but then he admits when he gets close to someone he has a tendency to self sabo tosh and pull away. Last week he said I derserved better and he did some really nice things for me like cooking and serving me breakfast in bed. Now after this past weekend, he is already hiding and not calling etc. I've been extreemly aware of the Mars/Venus interaction going on here so if he's in his cave, I'll have to let him come out on his own but if this is related to his PTSD, this could be a pattern and I just don't think I can keep it up. On a week, off a couple weeks, on a week, etc.

I feel I'm just ranting now so please, feel free to pipe in :-)

 

[Al_Lurker]

....He was a commander in charge of delivering convoys of supplies from one point to another. So on a daily basis he was being shot at and in charge of many soldiers. ...

*** Trigger warning****

My 2 cents? As a leader he has probably lost men and women under his command during the course of his duty in Iraq. I wasn't there but from what I gather from a friend who was, and what the media did report, this may have been the most dangerous duty of all to have. It would involve unexpected attacks when in open areas from things such as ieds and snipers. I would guess the larger the space he's in and the more people in it he can't 'account' for would be a very good candidate for a trigger. Or his silence may have been him remembering those that he served with that are no longer with us. The loss of those people close to him may affect his ability for form an intimate relationship. Just an opinion.