Relationship Ptsd Relapse Caused "infidelity"?

[Jerry88]

Hi all my name is Jerry! This is going to be a bit long, so I want to say thank you to anyone who reads and replies ahead of time.

My wife and I started dating about a year after she was molested by a professor at her university. The incident involved groping of the breast and kissing, but luckily did not escalate further. She had gone to counseling and been prescribed medication and was diagnosed with PTSD before we met. We dated for a year before we got married and lived together for 9 months + of that time.

We had a few incidents of her sleeping with her ex and 2 other men. She had explained that she had experienced this trauma to me several times, but I always shrugged it off because I just held a grudge against the "affairs". She said that she felt she had overcome this issue and had control over the PTSD. I took her word and we continued the process of getting married.

About a 2 years into our marriage she revealed to me she had been unfaithful. She was very cold when she told me about it because I had told her several times that I would not deal with any further "affairs". However, she felt she needed to tell me and said she had been fighting the battle herself and was done with it. She did not want to go into any details and so we went to see a counselor.

The way it was explained was that she did not have any feeling for this man. It occurred twice, the first time she stopped in the middle because she said she felt the need to relive the event, but then snapped out of during. She said she did go a second time and did not stop it at that time.

When I was told I became very angry. I did not want to hear anything about the PTSD and thought it was just an excuse. This caused many problems and a year later we again went to counseling. The counselor explained that I had to let this go and agreed with the PTSD diagnosis.

I guess my question is has anyone ever heard of a scenario like this? We are currently going through a divorce and now reading on PTSD I have seen many signs such as anxiety and feeling numb and helpless. The way she described it was that since her professor was an older man she setup an occurrence to relive the event. I was just unsure and there is very little information on this specific topic online. I really feel awful for getting angry at her over something that looking back was a disease. Just needing some more information on this and I thought a PTSD board would be a good place to start. Any messages are greatly appreciated. I believe now she is over the relapse, but I have hurt her in the process by not being there for her so I am trying to understand the disorder now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. Sorry, but that's crap. PTSD doesn't make us cheat. It sickens me that a therapist would tell you to just let it go because its a part of PTSD. Regardless of where the trauma comes from, PTSD does not make us cheat.

Yes, maybe she was numb. But if she's numb with you, is that an excuse to sleep around? No, it's not.

Honestly, don't feel bad for her beyond the actual symptoms of PTSD. Of which cheating is not.

We don't have a choice in having anxiety, depression, flashbacks, hyper vigilance, etc. We do have a choice as to whom we have sex with (beyond being forced).

 

[mamachick]

I agree with SOF. The only other thing that I want to add is that without all of the knowledge of the situation.

I was violently raped by my first husband at age 18-I fought but lost. There was not such thing as marital rape back then. Around 2003-I was repeatedly drugged and raped by my marriage counselor. I have little recall of events, just flashbacks. In 2006 I had an accident and incurred a traumatic brain injury. This is when depression and anxiety really began. I lost my assertiveness skills. When I tried, they were misinterpreted. This caused my to stiffle myself and think too much. In everyday life, I had great difficulty asserting myself and was punished for doing so, at least that is my perception. Others thought I was bitchy and rude. I was frustrated at my inability to communicate effectively. After neuocognitive testing and a better understanding of my limitations, and because I often felt my boundaries were being violated, I began practicing assertiveness diligently. Sometimes I delayed a response in order to assert myself effectively. I began being very careful with my words.

In 2008, a police officer insisted that I was someone else. He told me to do something that is not legal or constitutional. I weighed my words very carefully but was clearly assertive according to 2 witnesses and my own account. He assaulted and arrested me. He said and did some very scarey and humiliating things, including exposing my breasts to many people. This was the beginning of my ptsd symptoms.

Following this, I have lost all assertiveness skills. I am now trying to regain them but not doing very well, mostly I isolate. I am speaking of asserting in daily life and setting boundaries but it is most difficult. Maybe its accumulation but deep down I think I feel I have no rights.

I have been alone with a date and when he began being sexual, I froze. So I do not date as I am clearly not ready. It was not force, I just cant speak or move. A couple weeks ago my 25 yr old daughter blew up at me and left the house. Her and my ex have the combo to the door locks. She has assaulted me in the past. I was in a panic and asked a male neighbor to help me to re-set the key pad.(I cant understand the directions) He came over and worked on it and thought it was done. I was so anxious and tearful. He tried to be comforting and hugged me and talked to me. We sat down and he put his arms around me in a comforting way. It felt good. Then he moved toward sexual. Once again I froze. It is as though it is not me. I am not making excuse, I promise. I evaporate. I am not cheating. I just cant move. I barely remember it. I feel guilt, I feel anger at myself. I hate myself for it as a matter of fact. Then I went into an almost immediate depression with suicide ideation. I know better than to put myself in this situation because I am not healthy enough and have not worked through this.

After all of this, he did not remove the old number, and my daughter busted in unexpectedly a few days later and shoved me. I had to hire a locksmith for almost a hundred dollars.

I think on some deep unconscious level, if I said no or pulled away-I could get raped. Then it would not be my choice. I could never report it to police because I have a lawsuit against them. They are the source of my freezing and inablitly to say NO. Also, they would use it against me. I am broken and compliant. If I had a parnter, I would not be in these situations though. I would not be alone with a man (date or friend).

Please know, from what you have said, I still agree with SOL. I am only pointing out that there are circumstances individual to each of us. However, from what you have said, if I were you, I would be the one that is hurt. People with ptsd can have character flaws seperate from the disease. I would be very skeptical of her behavior.

"the incident cause groping of the breast and kissing"-I am not an expert, but I find it unlikely that this caused her ptsd.

Ptsd does lead to addictions, and I recall a thread about sexual addictions/pornography related to ptsd. Im sorry I cant recall where. My personal opinion is that there is either much more to what is going on, or plain BS, but I am also sickened that a therapist would suggest that you let it go.

 

[nursenurse]

Infidelity is never right. The other issue I see is that you guys went together for a year before getting married living together for about 9 of those months. I think the relationship was rushed, didn't give you time to see the big picture and the character flaws that are making your situation untenable. You deserve better.

 

[mamachick]

You are so right, and once that trust is broken, it is so very difficult to recover from. This has happened so very early in the relationship as well, not that anytime is right. It sounds like it is a pattern already, and from my experience, people do not change easily. Patterns that have been established often persist in spite of promises and attempts to change. It often gets worse rather than better.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I really feel awful for getting angry at her over something that looking back was a disease. Just needing some more information on this and I thought a PTSD board would be a good place to start. Any messages are greatly appreciated. I believe now she is over the relapse, but I have hurt her in the process by not being there for her so I am trying to understand the disorder now.

I was quite shocked when I read this! I totally agree with SOL. Hiding behind PTSD is total crap!

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Hi Jerry, sorry to read your post.

In brief, there is a recognised link between a trauma incident and purposely recreating harmful incidents. Is that an excuse for sleeping with someone else? Depends I suppose. It's something I've done, not something I'm proud of and something I've been very careful that my husband is unaware of.

So, I guess infidelity can be linked to PTSD, is it a reason, potentially. Is it an excuse for sharing information hurtful to you? I would say no.

I hope you find some understanding and heal.

 

[Jerry88]

Thanks everyone for the replies. When I was first told I was just in total shock. I came off as cold and this triggered my wife to think I was going to ask for a divorce. Looking back I agreed to continue on with our relationship because our daughter was only 1 at the time.

The first counselor helped and I pretty much just buried my emotions inside. This was really difficult because at the time I was not reading anything about PTSD. Instead I was just googling affairs. The main issue that I had was that instead of her coming to me with sympathy she came to me wanting acceptance. I did not ever receive my idea of an apology that made me feel like it would not happen again. This caused paranoia issues for me and until we recently separated I was always very anxious and worried when she would talk to guys and get messages from ex's. This caused me to become emotionally disconnected and I buried myself in our daughter, because I could not talk about the incident without one of us getting hurt.

So we went to the second counselor and she basically told me that I had to either get over it or give up on the relationship. I guess I just never got the closure I needed to get over what happened. I needed something to show that it was not ever going to happen again and I did not feel that this could happen since the counselors and my wife have both told me the PTSD caused the incident and my wife was not comfortable talking about it because she was the victim and not the perpetrator.

So long story short I filed for divorce because she completely disconnected from me for about 2 months and I had been disconnected for even longer. Right now we are talking often, during our divorce, we have also spent several days together and I am just trying to make sure I have all the information I can about PTSD so that I am informed and can make since of what happened. It is really helpful to hear and read other peoples stories. I have no doubts that the PTSD had something to do with what happened.

From what I have read thus far though I believe that there has to be something else. She has always been a very social person and enjoys being the center of attention which was great because I never did. I am theorizing that the need for attention along with the numbness caused by the PTSD allowed her to slip in our relationship.

A quick question, after the incident she said that she feels she fixed herself. I am not a sufferer so I am not sure what or how this is done? She said she no longer has flashbacks and now does not react to stress by wanting to relive the event. Does this sound accurate and is it just a time thing or can things still trigger a relapse at anytime?

 

[Abstract]

I think there is a big difference between contributing factors and an excuse. Some people do feel compelled to do damaging things to themselves by acting out this way and it can increase their trauma. It can be re enacting. But that doesn't mean the PTSD directly causes the infidelity! There is still responsibility there and your feelings are important too.

It sounds a little as if she is so caught up in her pain that everything is about her feelings and reactions to each situation. You have a right to feelings too.

I do also think personality potentially plays a role in this. For example someone who is a little narcissistic can tend to desperately need outside affirmation when distressed and simultaneously switch off their empathy for loved ones. That can make them very likely to act out.

I also wandered if she has any earlier abuse.

As for your last question. I think unless the trauma has been fully processed there is always potential for there to be a relapse.

In your situation I would set a very definite boundary. That if there is a single further incident then you are out of the relationship. That regardless of her issues you have a right to protect your own wellbeing.

It sounds as if your lack of understanding and general lack of acknowledgement of the PTSD could have sabotaged her feelings for you a bit. Hopefully you can work this out and each do your own part to make the relationship better.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Dear Jerry,

while I do agree with abstract that re-enacting traumatic events can occur in PTSD sufferes, this act re-traumatizes us, it does not 'fix' us! I am a rape victim and my re-enacting back in the day would go like this: I would get very drunk. I was very drunk when it happend, and when I reached this state I would get very anxious and agressive. I would then lash out on people close to me; saying al sorts of hurtful things, pushing them away verbally. I would be in total fight mode with everyone and everything. This was very upsetting for my loved ones and for me too. The next day I would be so triggered and would feel a million times worse. I stared seeing a therapist. She explained that I was trying to re- create the feeling of being in danger and act out the way I was not able to when the rape happend i.e. fight!

However, I would not in a million years look for someone who looked like him to climb on top of me. Never! The very thought makes me sick.

Lets say that your wife infact was trying to re-enact her trauma by sleeping with others (who resemble the professor), there is still something very wrong with the picture. She was sleeping with her ex. Is he an older man? Are the others? No intercourse happend during the trauma, why then the need for that when re-enacting the trauma? My point is really, that if re-enacting is going on at some level, it would certainly not make the PTSD symptoms go away. Rather, she would be so triggered from here to Timbuktu that it would make her spin into a state of uncontrolled PTSD.

 

[CrazyHorse]

P.S,

I find it very manipulative and extremely out of order to claim: I hurt you, I invalidated you and our marriage, but PTSD made me do it, so you the one being hurtful to me!

 

[mamachick]

I do understand re-enacting the trauma. I just realize that I think that I unconsciously set up situations that are re-traumatizing. They are something like others have described. It often begins with alcohol in the scenario. Add impulsive, stupid, being unsafe, high risk. I have put myself in no win situations from time to time.

Its like I am saying "here I am, abuse me, mistreat me, etc", then I feel horrible for days or weeks and punish myself for allowing myself to act out this way. So I do agree with re-enacting, but not how this applies to your wife.