Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[AS1975]

I am a PTSD Sufferer who has finally admitted there is a serious problem and accepted the need for real treatment. I was released from Hospital today (I was an inpatient) and would like to discuss the importance of Assertiveness and effective communication within relationships.

One major problem with this illness is that there are significant impacts upon the ability of sufferers to communicate effectively. Anyone who suffers PTSD, or has lived with anyone who does, will know that anger is a serious problem. Sufferers tend to become angry at a range of issues, much of the time expressing that anger inappropriately or ineffectively, or in situations unrelated, or not directly related, to the cause(s) of that anger. The result of which is that PTSD sufferers are taught, or learn, to walk away, to withdraw, to act passively in order to avoid allowing their anger and frustration to directly affect those they love.

This is the most useful skill that many people suffering from anger issues can master, but it has significant and serious drawbacks within relationships, particularly on the ability to communicate within relationships. Communication is generally considered to consist of three major subdivisions, (a) Passive; (b) Assertive; and (c) Aggressive. What happens is that while the sufferer learns to divert their frustration and anger, or (c) Aggressive communication into (a) Passive communication, they also tend to lose the ability to communicate (b) Assertively. Communication degrades into either Passive or Aggressive, as the illness continues, all Assertive communication effectively ceases.

The results of this is that the sufferer is not getting their needs met, as they are increasingly uncomfortable with assertiveness, and even more importantly, increasingly frustrated and isolated, leading to increasing anger and withdrawal. Inside relationships this is exacerbated, the partner is also frustrated and isolated by the sufferers tendency to agree to things to avoid arguments, to withdraw and then to explode out of frustration and resentment. Life degrades into a sequence of unstable shouting matches, angry outbursts, punctuating ever shorter periods of virtually complete withdrawal and estrangement. Finally, the partner starts to feel uncomfortable acting assertively, if they don't act passively, they tend to inflame situations unnecessarily, while frustration at being ignored and needs not being met, finally lead to aggressive outbursts from them. They become as angry as the sufferer.

I'd appreciate a decent discussion on this, I've put some serious thought into it

 

[Bilby]

Interesting subject - one to which I can relate.

I think I have definitely swung between the two extremes - passive and aggressive. Initially, I would say I was passive - walking on eggshells, not wanting to do or say anything that would rock the boat in any way, shape or form. I really felt that if my husband got in a bad mood over something (that's how it felt - like a really 'bad mood' as opposed to me recognising it as PTSD - separate discussion right there!), that the kids and I would wear it. And by that I mean, that if we did/said anything that made him feel the need to speak to us or in any way interact with us, that we'd be in trouble. I felt like a naughty school kid and felt the need to also protect my two kids (his two step-children). I felt like I was always refereeing between him and the kids, but also at the same time, trying to passify him, and soothe my children. There were many times where I begged my children to be quiet and to even not go near him or talk to him because I wasn't sure what he would say or do. Neither of them could understand why he was like he was but they knew that I was upset, and that I really wanted them to do exactly what I was asking. It really felt like we were disliked - just for being there - like our mere presence aggravated him. I know that felt bad for me, so I'd hate to think how that felt for my kids.

That said, it got to a point where things changed. I have mental health issues (depression and anxiety that existed long before I met my husband) but that I had been actively and successfully managing for some time. I started to feel like I just wasn't worth anything all over again - and worse still, that my kids didn't count either. I have felt like they are the only things I have done right in my life and to have the man I loved dislike them, just felt... I don't know, I can't explain how horrible. But I started to feel angry about it all myself - downright p*ssed off to be honest. Why couldn't I have a normal life for once, why did he have to have PTSD and why did I have to be struggling myself? Why did he have to make me feel like dirt, and my kids like dirt? All that anger... it just built up further and further until it started seeping out in the form of outright nastiness - I got aggressive alright. I couldn't keep a lid on it any more and I got very angry, on a very regular basis. It created a vicious cycle - my husband would be doing his 'normal' thing (where he'd be avoiding us or he'd have that 'look' on his face) and it would just incite rage - and I'd have to say something. I was over being ignored, I was over my kids being ignored, I was over walking on eggshells and feeling like I was going to get in trouble if I showed my face in the room at the wrong time. So... yes, I swung from passive and went straight to full-on aggressiveness.

I actually had a thread about this when I joined this site recently - about me being concerned that I was as angry as the sufferer. It seems I'm not alone in having this happen, but it has still felt pretty ordinary all the same.

How to find the happy medium? How do we go about being respectful and being assertive? I think my husband is 'getting' it now when I explain to him about certain behaviours and how they have made me and the kids feel, and since our son came into the world, I think he is seeing things in a different light too. Getting the right treatment also goes a long way, as well as me addressing my state of mind with my psychiatrist. I guess it takes effort by both parties involved - you've both got to want to make the relationship work and work on it.

 

[AS1975]

Interesting, would you say his anger was directed at you or the children, or from frustration at not being able to effectively explain what was bothering him? From personal experience it can be bloody difficult when you see danger EVERYWHERE, especially where people you love are at risk, not to say something. It can also be bloody frustrating when you are simply trying to protect people you care about and aren't understood, or more properly, when you are extremely hyper-vigilant with safety and kids (and partners) don't understand why, or simply feel they are being 'picked on', quite unfairly at that. That frustration is not a pleasant feeling and will lead to anger and will increase the likelihood of withdrawal from situations where it will arise.

I have to ask, did your husband try and explain PTSD, or did he try and write his own response off as simply a bad mood, or a succession of them and not PTSD? If he mentioned PTSD did he try and explain the effect of hyper-vigilance? It isn't just trying to be excessively careful, it is actually seeing dangerous situations EVERYWHERE, even where situations would not normally be considered dangerous. It is a difficult situation, how to bite your tongue when people you are (or at least feel) responsible for are in actual danger, or in what you perceive to be actual danger (and in this case, for the sufferer perception is reality)?

 

[Philippa]

Learning how to use language in a way that doesn't trigger another persons defenses I think is what we aim for when turning from passive and then aggressive tendencies. Certain words seem to be not conducive for productive conversation, where peoples feelings are being honored. It can be a real minefield at times.

I happen to think that being as direct and open as possible is a step in the right direction, but of course that doesn't mean the person you are trying to reach is necessarily going to play along, just because you evaded his trigger points. I think when you can come to allow yourself to feel your own feelings, and no longer live under the assumption that you are just a septic tank for all their frustrations, and disease, it can come as a shock to anyone who is used to being able to manipulate their way into your life, then it leaves a space for them to then see that you also have feelings and would like for them to be respected and not walked all over and mocked.

So, words like "you" when said to a person who has hurt you, can put them on the defensive very easily, if you are mentioning things that were done to you or things you didn't appreciate etc. can be something to avoid. Preferably you want to meet people in your life who are interested in becoming better communicators, consciously. Then it becomes easy to have a safety network around you where you are all able to bring things to the table, and know where each other is at, so you can adapt your attitude if needed. It fosters greater understanding among people, but unfortunately, so many people seem to be happy just getting by on the poor skills they have...so that makes things harder.

 

[Bilby]

It felt as though it was directed at us. There were times where he would try to explain but to be honest, I just didn't get it (this is where I failed - I did not know enough about PTSD). Other times I would just brush it off (somewhat selfishly hoping it would go away).

Other times, if I asked him what was wrong, he'd say that there was nothing wrong, when it was obvious that there was. That would drive me nuts. Other times, he would say what was wrong, but for me, it was something that was not worthy of the time/response he was giving it. That is, in my mind, he was completely over-reacting.

There's only so much you can tolerate with respect to feeling as though you're an aggravation to someone - intentional or not, and there's only so much over-reacting to situations etc that you can manage as you find yourself having to explain things further to children, other people etc who also don't understand the reaction.

 

[Toria]

Personally, I know that I am not assertive within my relationship - but after living with it growing progressively worse for 8 years now I can hand on heart say that sometimes it is just less painful to keep your head down and your mouth shut.

I can entirely appreciate the fact that you are trying to look after your partner or your children or whoever - and that you are doing that in the only way you know how. This is just my personal experience.

 

[Bilby]

Preferably you want to meet people in your life who are interested in becoming better communicators, consciously. Then it becomes easy to have a safety network around you where you are all able to bring things to the table, and know where each other is at, so you can adapt your attitude if needed. It fosters greater understanding among people, but unfortunately, so many people seem to be happy just getting by on the poor skills they have...so that makes things harder.

Very true. I realise now that I have to work on my own communication skills, as does my husband, if we are going to continue to move forward. Luckily for us, that's something that we both want and are both putting the effort into achieving :)

 

[AS1975]

Another interesting response (my computer is being slow and quite difficult at present).

No-one should be mocking anyone, or using them as a 'septic tank' of any description, if they are the relationship needs a hell of a lot more work than improved communication skills, that would be my prime point. But there are perceptions and shades of perceptions and as I suggested above, perceptions can be reality (or near enough to it not to matter a whole lot) for the parties involved.

Yeah, the functional parts of learning, or re-learning, effective communication and assertiveness is quite interesting. It is amazing how we take communication for granted, like a lot of things, until it no longer works. I have been lucky, my wife and I met through an online romance, so we actually were originally attracted to one another as a result of our respective abilities to communicate effectively online, on the phone and finally in person. As such, we both value communication and understand that the other one 'could' communicate quite effectively at one point, it is probably one of the saving graces of our relationship (although surely most relationships are built on effective communication at some point?).

So the loss of our ability to communicate, although quite rapid, is easily traced. There was a traumatic incident, after which quite dramatic changes took place in the ability to communicate and then they spiraled out of control. When we finally stopped and took stock, one of the most amazing things was how badly our respective abilities in this regard had degraded. That made it rather easy to work out that the first major change in regaining our lives has to be regaining our ability to communicate effectively, regardless of ongoing situations, mental illness or other stresses.

 

[The Albatross]

How I found a "medium" was learning and using effective communication skills with my spouse... eventually I added my mother. I try to frame most everything I say now with tempered words out of "love and/or respect". It isn't infallable, but the moments have increased and it took time and some agreements on all our parts. I had no concept of "before trauma". I learned that my parents modeled emoting for me loudly and often angrily. But I did have a healthy set of grandparents who talked to and treated each other in a healthier way. My husband (who also didn't have a healthy framework) and I, chose to pause and consider, how they might likely act, react, speak or respond before responding to each other. We also received 14 weeks of counseling at our church each with a same sex mentor, and we met individually and together one day a week with our mentors as mediators.

My husband's style was like Bilby remarked... passive aggressive. My style was fearful/critical and it most often sounded angry even though I wasn't. I had, after my 1st marriage and the worst of the physical and sexual abuse defaulted to modeling the stronger of my parents, my father. I had to undo it with self reflection, mentoring, and education. But it did improve.

Great topic.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I find this topic fascinating.

This is actually one of my primary goals, learning how to communicate again. It's something my Therapist and I have been workng on.

For me one of my traumatic experiences has to deal with the fact that I had bone degeneration in my jaw. It literally hurt to talk. To smile. To emote any type of feeling. I couldn't even open my mouth. It only got worse as time went on. This went on for about 2 years until I had two seperate jaw reconstuction surgeries.

My point being those two years made me very passive and withdrawn. When I could talk it was agonizing, I made it a point to avoid any type of conversation that may upset me. I never asserted myself unless absolutely necessary because it just wasn't worth it to me.

Now that I've been on the mend physically it's very confusing to me. Years of passiveness are directly at odds with grief and anger, because it's only now that I can process everythng that's happened. And I've been swinging back and forth between agressiveness and passiveness in communicating with others. It's... very disconcerting for me. I've always been rational and calm.

So my therapist is trying to teach me how to assert myself without essentially biting someone's head off or completely being passive. So far we've explored how to go about talking to someone about something that bothered me.

For example, I had a friend that I've known for almost a decade. I knew she was stressed out on a particular weekend but she really was being an absolute wretch to me, despite the fact I had just driven down 8 hours to go see her. For a week I had to regroup, talked to my therapist and came up with a plan. I wanted her to know she treated me very badly and that it wasn't ok. But I also knew she was just having a bad time and didn't want to strain our friendship even more than it was. So my T taught me to start off a conversation bringing up the event. Just stating fact. Ask her how she felt. An only then after asking her how she felt explain to her how I felt.

It was like I was working through a mathematical equation but it actually really REALLY helped. It was a stilted affair on my part because I was really uncomfortable, but it allowed us to air both of our feelings in a safe and respectful manner.

I'm still having issues volleying from passive to aggressive but at least I know it can be fixed. It just takes... a lot of effort and putting things into perspective.

 

[Bilby]

I learned that my parents modeled emoting for me loudly and often angrily.

I believe that this is the case with my husband. He can be incredibly loud and doesn't realise that he is being that way and usually isn't intending to be - I realise this. His parents do not communicative effectively with one another, and from what my husband has told me, his upbringing was not exactly a pleasant one - it was very strict and dysfunctional and I believe this has led to some of his behavioural traits. These are obviously things that are not easy to change when they are so deeply ingrained. I like the way you have tried to handle this situation, Albatross, it is an interesting one and has obviously proven to be very useful.

Phoenix - I'm glad to hear that assertiveness is something that you are working on too. My husband is and I think it's a positive thing that sufferer's are so willing to address this issue. It really is essential for all involved and can avoid certain situations from spiralling out of control - once they get to that point, it's a whole new set of issues dealing with the aftermath.

 

[The Albatross]

We actually have a plaque hanging in our living room just above the hallway that goes to the bedrooms... it was an old Montel Williams quote, "Speak without offending, Listen without defending". My husband made it for us and when we are trying to discuss difficult or painful things, one or the other's eyes drift over in that direction. It took mutual effort, but it has gotten better... though still difficult at times when one and the both of us are distracted or tired. For that reason, I tend to wait til I am rested, he is rested and I have about as much of his attention as I'm gonna get.