Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[piratelady]

I agree assertiveness can be learned, as I have recently begun learning it. In the books section on this site, there is a book called The Assertiveness workbook. That might be something to look into, for those trying to become more assertive.

 

[saffy]

This a a good online workbook I have found again, thank god, lost it for a while, but this was the workbook that changed everything for me, I still have a long way to go but it has really helped.

When I did BA(Hons) Sports psychology my dissertation was for grassroot equestrians, but I came to understand that anxiety control, focus, concentration and confidence in your ability are also learnt skills, and believe this can be applied in a lot of situations in life not just sport. Something to think about anyway.

Here is the link to the online workbook anyway, I hope it helps others the way it helped me:

http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/assertiveness/how-to-be-more-assertive-part1.html

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[mamachick]

saffy, thanks for your response. I am sorry that you have not experienced it, as many others have not. I grew up with low self esteem and was not assertive, pushed around by 4 older sisters and an abusive husband. My assertiveness grew out of the do-dependent movement back in the 80s. If I had not experience life differently, Im not so sure I would be convinced of what a difference it would make. I had a really pushy sister, and my therapist advised me to use the broken record technique when she intruded in my business-(pick a phrase and keep repeating) for example "its really none of your concern", so no matter what arguement she presented I continued to repeat. Did it work? She told me off and didnt talk to me for a couple of years. At first that was hurtful but it did work-that was a better option than being told how to live everyday.

There are actually 4 styles of communication:
1. Passive- agreeing with others, letting others rule over, not standing up for self, not questioning
2. Agressive- becoming angry, demanding, loud, pushing for own needs, getting in anothers face, bullying
3. Passive/Agressive-agreeing or letting others think so, then doing acts against that, possibly sabotaging the situation. for example:man might think wife should do laundry, but since she has asked me, I will do it, and her wool dry clean only favorite skirt is getting washed too, knowing very well it will be ruined. She will never ask me to do wash again.
4. Assertive-being open, direct, honest, not getting off track, questioning respectively, respecting others position

The only style that is effective is Assertiveness. While being passive may leave you feeling life a doormat and take on the role of martyr, being aggressive will put others in fear, intimidate them, and often push others away. You know you are dealing with a passive aggressive person when you feel angry with the person and feel guilty at the same time for being angry at them, as you may feel sorry for them. They are the ones that will say "Im sorry, I didnt realize it was dry clean only".

The first 3 styles are damaging to relationships and to ourselves. How can our self esteem get better if we feel like a door mat. How can we have high self esteem if we intimidate or bully. We cannot have better self esteem if we know that we are sabotaging. Yet being assertive requires us to first convince ourselves that we are important enough to have our concerns addressed/needs met, etc. Only through being assertive can we feel that we have done the right thing. The more we are honest and assertive and reflect on it, the better we feel about ourselves. It is easy to get caught up in the other styles. Many vacilate between being passive and when we hit are limit, become aggressive. It is so deeply tied to our thinking, how we think about ourselves, and if we have the attitude that it doesnt matter, nothing good ever happens anyway, its most difficult to practice. The more we assert ourselves, the easier it gets, and the more good things happen, and the better we feel. We feel that we are effective in getting what we want and getting fair treatment often, and the cycle changes from feeling like a victim. We feel stronger and competent. When things are not fair in our favor, we do not take them so personally. We remember, well, life is not always fair, but we are not defined by an occassional failure. We find there are many more successes than failures.

Being assertive also means we must be willing to accept that "we agree to disagree" at times, we dont always get our way, and we are willing to negotiate. Negotiating is a major aspect of healthy relationships. When one person wins, that means someone else looses-and that gets old. Assertiveness allows for a win/win situation. Where both parties feel that they may have compromised but have been heard and met halfway. Other healthy people usually take this style more seriously. If you have a problem with a business and are passive, you are certain to be disappointed, if your aggressive, you may be shut down immediately, if you are assertive, your chances of resolution are pretty good. It takes alot of practice and forethought.

Before addressing a situation, we can think about what our ultimate goal is. Write it down. Use I statements that are not blaming. Own your own feelings-they are not right or wrong. Be willing to see the others point of view without investing a lot of emotions or feeling insult that their perception may be much different. When dealing with personal relationships, be prepared for a smoke screen. Often family will try to make it a "garbage pail" arguement. That is when all kinds of issues get thrown in when you are trying to address just one. Be prepared to not get distracted or side tracked with this. You can say " I would be happy to discuss your issue at a later time, but for now, I think its really important we address just this issue". They may be persistant. Choosing a statement that I described as the "broken record technique" above is an assertive technique that can be a useful tool at times. It may not work as you would like but you may look back and see that it did work out best for you as it did for me. Dont expect immediate success. If we do get caught up in our attempts failing, dont get discouraged. Journal about what happened and reflect on how it went wrong. This will provide you with insight into your own weakness so that they can be turned into strenght. Whatever you do, do not beat yourself up when attempts fail. Use it as a learning experience. It is a learned behavior. Begin seeing every situation as an opportunity to practice. Sometimes it can begin small, when the waitress brings you the wrong food or something similiar.

Now that I have blabbered, and Im sorry for that, I just get so excited when I see others who have seen the light about the importance and I want to share. You cannot be assertive when you live alone and isolate as I do. I avoid making phone calls even. I have preferred to play poker machine where I know I will be screwed. I realize I sound like a hypocrit but I really am not. I suceeded before and am now having to relearn. I know what works, but I have to get out there and practice. Once you get so down, it is a long way back up-and my climb is slow. I am on that slow path but it is getting better. It is a challenge not becoming discouraged.

If we currently lack assertiveness, it is very easy to learn. There are many articles and books on the subject as well. We all have had hobbies or taken a high school course that did not come easy-think of it as that. Keeping a journal specific to this is very helpful. Each time you address an issue, write about it and how it worked or didnt work. That can help us critique us and see how our own buttons get pushed, or we get manipulated, have too much empathy for others position, or need to "win", or many other things that will sabotage our success if we continue to attempt to resolve conflicts without a plan.

Im sorry for the length of this but when I saw the original post and read through others posts, I realized the importance of this and that maybe I have something to offer someone. This is such a good topic. I have been trying to become more assertive and Im going to listen to my own advice. I am starting a journal today. I just told a white lie to prevent 2 people from showing up at my house at the same time and wanted to avoid any confrontation. Had I been assertive, I would have just said " today is not a good time for me". Instead, I feel like a liar. When I was assertive, I described myself as very honest. This has effected my self esteem and worth. This will be my first entry.

This is such a good topic and thank you for starting it and all that have contributed. I would be very interested in having a thread that shares examples of what others did and how it works out.
(((hugs))to all, Brat

 

[mamachick]

I just wanted to add that aggressiveness will breed more anger and even violence.
Passiveness will breed depression and hopelessness and helplessness.
Passive aggressiveness will breed loneliness and isolation.
Assertiveness will breed self empowerment.

I know that many are dealing with others they worry about triggering, yet if one is acting assertively-they are acting with respect to the other, and are not responsible for triggering the other. It is unreasonable to expect another to walk on eggshells or tip toe around regardless of their illness. If it triggers another, its an opportunity for them to deal with their triggers. Of course I can think of requests that could trigger another unreasonably, but not generally.

I read a book by Mary Ann Williamson years ago. She said, all acts come from love or from fear. That had an impact on me. I began analyzing that and found it true. Everything that comes out of my mouth is love or fear based. It takes a lot of courage to get past the fear and speak with love at times-but I found that when I did, others were more often more accepting.

 

[Bilby]

Brat17, you've added a lot of useful information there, thanks :) This has been a really useful thread, hasn't it?

I'm glad to hear that you're in the process of "re-learning" :)

In relation to examples of what people have done and how it has worked, about all I can say is that my husband and I are in the early stages of boundary setting and putting into practice assertiveness skills. A lot of this has come about as a result of our relationship disintegrating to a horrible point where it felt as though there was nothing left - and then, he sought help for his PTSD. Part of that treatment, for him, was (and still is), all about learning to be assertive. I have needed to learn as well. I struggle with it at times still, but I think I'll get there.

I think part of my problem, however, is that I have learned (for want of a better word) to be anxious in certain situations and when I'm presented with those situations, the anxiety becomes ridiculous and I start to feel so incredibly agitated by everybody around me that I become aggressive. Quite simply, I feel like I want everybody to go away and leave me alone - that way the 'situation' I feel anxious in, goes away. Dealing with it that way isn't right. I need to relax and not anticipate the worst all the time.

My husband and I have decided on a 'code word' for when things between get heated. If either one of us uses that word - we drop the situation/argument immediately and go our separate ways. Time out for grown ups if you will :) This is designed to allow both of us to calm ourselves and collect our thoughts. Our agreement is, that we will then, a few hours later, go back to the discussion and address the issues - but it has to be done reasonably and rationally.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I really enjoy and appreciate everything everyone has shared.

And you know what I realized? Just by talking about this on this thread we ARE asserting ourselves. In a calm and thought provoking manner.

Maybe I'm just a little bit more rusty than I thought in asserting myself and my opinions, but I think we should all be very proud of ourselves. I know I am, even if only a little. But progress is progress. :D

 

[AS1975]

Yeah mate it is, we are even following the ideal, identifying the issue in a calm, non-judgmental way, then approaching how to fix the issue calmly and non-judgmentally to boot.

That is what I most appreciate about a well-ordered forum and what I miss most about the early internet, trolls weren't tolerated, nobody gave a crap about it either, they were simply wiped and ignored until then. Then everybody got all angry as every half-grown adolescent with a keyboard began to rant and rave and try and irritate people to score points with equally half-baked fools. Yes, the latter part of this post is judgmental, but there is a point, having to deal with idiots who intentionally sabotage communication has had a major impact on how comfortable people are conversing, not just on the internet, but in everyday life. Kids think it is somehow 'cool' to set out to irritate the piss out of people, and sabotage relationships for kicks. Oh for the good old days when a swift backhand could be used to fix a smart mouth:ninja:

 

[saffy]

saffy, thanks for your response

No problem Brat17, like you I have discovered how important this is and how it can definately change you life. For me though, I think that you can still be assertive in life even if you live alone and isolate, I think it is about the feeling you get within yourself rather than a feeling you get from others, if that makes sense.

For me, I realised that assertiveness is more than just being able to deal with people on an equal setting so we get a win win result. I have always had very low self esteem, I never knew I had the right to have these feelings or the right to express them or the right to see myself as equal to others or the right to say no and without huge explainations. So inside it has made me feel like a better person and because of that I can deal with people better.

I used to be a yes girl, always worrying that they were happy without a thought of myself. I realised how much of a doorstep I was, before I just thought I had to do what ever I could because it made me feel usefull and needed. This was not the case really. Because I realised what I was doing was because they were taking and not because they were appreciative or respectful.

However, I have a long way to go as I can still come across aggressive, defensive or even sometime confrontational without realising it. I am freeing myself from the passive aggresive as I now have the skill to speak up if I do not like something or do not agree with something. That's ok too, I am allowed a valid opinion whether the other person agrees or not. Differences of opinion is ok too.

Learning to be assertive is, I think, one of the most valuable tools in life. They should even teach it in schools as part of the curriculum in my view.

Great discussion and Brat17 we can see how passionate you are about this. You would be good at giving lessons. You have a good way of explaining things :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Bilby]

Learning to be assertive is, I think, one of the most valuable tools in life. They should even teach it in schools as part of the curriculum in my view.

It would be fantastic if it were taught in schools :)

 

[saffy]

It would be fantastic if it were taught in schools :)

We should petition the government ;)

first aid wouldn't go a miss either :)

Saffy :)

 

[Bilby]

Agreed :)

 

[saffy]

I've just set up a UK government Epetition ;)

Have you got anything like that this you your country?

Saffy :)