Ptsd Setting In 20 Years After The Fact - Anyone Have This?

[The Albatross]

Very apt analogy Christian Price, and that is one that I can really relate to.

 

[Christian Price]

I just finished mowing my grass. I used to be able just get it done. I had to take 5 to 6 breaks because the vibration from the lawn mower wore me out. I'm afraid to drive, cars driving in the other direction startle me.

My brain feels like I've had five or six energy drinks and everything comes at once. I dropped the toilet lid this morning and I wanted to run for my life. I get dizzy, fatiuged, I zone out and when I blacked out twice this week it felt like mental dry heaves. My brain felt like I was over the porcelain altar and nothing but dry heaves. I can not ever remember this happening to me other than my late 20s, when that was all said and done I was homeless and divorced when it was over. I am seeing mental health this time and hope to start some medication. I also have a growing support group. Love this place. I feel I'm home and in great company.

 

[honey7420]

Wow I can relate to you so much. I was also abused by my grandfather, molested for years and raped by him at just 6 years old.

No one in my family believes me to this day, so I am basically the black sheep. I went 10 years acting like everything was fine, and then my ptsd and everything started spiraling out of control when I was 18.

I'm 20 now and every day is still so hard for me. Everything triggers me, I am so hypervigilant. And I am the same way about animal abuse. I have two rescue dogs and two cats... haha.

Message me if you want, I feel like we could have so much more to talk about. You are definitely not alone. :)

 

[Christian Price]

Last night was the worst. Started with a flash of light in my sleep then a nigtmare woke me up. Progressed to body shakes. My brain felt like a sponge and memories were being squeezed out. I felt hypotensive from the depleted blood loss. I forgot how hot the slug was when it hit me. My left chest muscle felt like it exploded again.

This morning terrible headache and random muslce twitch. See Doctor on Thursday and Councelor in in tomorow afternoon. Looking forward to some allieving of this. It feels like seizure activity. I see an auroa and I can feel it deep inside of me. Then the shakes start from my core and move to the pheriphery and if its severe enough I see more of that day. I felt my adrenalin lastnight, the adrenalin I felt when I made what I thought was my final walk. This hurts, I am thankful for so many of you, I don't feel so much like the village idiot amongst society and their "get over it attitude with me." Godbless all of you

 

[Deleted member 14359]

gyms1976

Oh what an echoe I have just heard as I read through your troubles.

I too thought I was alone until I joined this forum. My trauma goes back 20 years ago when I was raped and beaten by a stranger.

I have been pretty much ok for the past 20 years and then one day out the blue I was grabbed on the shoulder one dark morning, by someone I did not know, who wanted a light. It sent me into a spin. I got to work, albeit I cried all the way there. I gathered myself and thought I could shrug it off, boy I was wrong...within four hours I was on the toilet floor disassociating.

My counsellor says I have been supressing for so long that it would all come out eventually, it was just a question of when. That time has truly come and I have PTSD.

Life will never be the same again. Maybe the last 20 years was a lie and the real me is about to emerge one day.

You have so much to deal with and I admire you for being so open and honest.

You will find a wealth of support and advice on here so use it well.

I wish you well with your recovery.

 

[PepperAnne]

As I read through the thread here, I realize that I seem to have a lot in common with most of you. It was years since my abuse ended, and I managed to live a full uninterupted life until about 2 years ago. My physical abuse stopped back in around 1993. Some of my emotional abuse from my parents still goes on to this day, but I keep my distance from them as much as possible.

I had other traumas along the way, and I handled them amazingly, in the moment. I was strong willed and easy going. I was determind to put my past behind me and have a family of my own. I was a survivor of 9/11 in NYC, and I witnessed things a person should never see. I didn't let it affect me, I carried on and got married and had 3 children. I maintained a full time 40 hour a week job, a house, a family, I had it all.

I didn't realize I was running and staying busy to avoid the things that were just under the surface. I lost my job back in Oct 2008 and after being home and not having thing to keep me as distracted, I started to slip into a depression.

In Feb of 2010, I was rehired by my previous employer. The office location had moved to the West Side highway, in downtown NYC. The first time I turned the corner and saw the rebuilding of the new world trade center, I had my first flashback to 9/11/2001. That opened the flood gates, since than I have had flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety and disociative behaviors to name a few things.

I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and DID. My husband doesn't know what to do with me. He feels tricked because I am no longer the person he married and he wants the old me back. I have a lot of hard days, and I have a lot of good days. But I have never been the same since the day I turned down the West Side highway in that winter of 2010.

I don't know why, in that moment, I had a flashback. Or why I have had so many since. I have been told that I wasn't ready to handle the pain of the things I went though at the time, and I am strong enough now to deal with them. I don't feel strong enough. I feel weak. I feel broken. I feel ashamed and I feel like somedays everyone would be better off without me. Thankfully, I am selfish, I don't want to be without my kids. They are the reason I hold on, and push through and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I wish you all luck, and happiness, but most of all peace.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

PepperAnne

Again I hear an echo...I hold on for my son and husband, without them I swear I would have found a bridge to jump off by now.

Are you in counselling/therapy? - like us all here, we all deserve better, we all deserve to be guided to a better place, to make us the stronger people we deserve to be.

Stay strong for your kids :tup:

 

[PepperAnne]

Thanks JA9W. Yes, I am in therapy, have been for 1.5 years. I also have a PTSD Sponsor. I get most of my support from my therapist and sponsor. My husband has days where he tries to be supportive, but he doesn't stay consistant and doesn't try hard enough. He takes things personally, when they have nothing to do with him. When I talk to him about my issues. I want him to listen to hear me, I don't mind if he doesn't understand, as long as I am heard. All too often I get discounted and he tries to fix me, or worse, he tries to make it about him, like I don't matter only he does. So my kids are my hope. My sponsor is my hope. My therapist is my hope. It would be nice if someday my husband joined that group too. Until then, I will wait, and continue to work on making me a better Mother, because my kids deserve better than what I got.

I wish you peace and strength. {{HUG}} thanks for the validation and support.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Pepperanne

My husband used to be the same. He rufused to lsten, walked away when talking got to hard etc. So, I wrote it down and arranged for a very close friend to read it with him when I was away over night with my son. I wrote down the lot...everything that happened to me - in great detail and how I feel day to day, about friends, family and him. Have you considered this?

It was painful for him - he cried like a baby but, it had to be done. Running down his rabbit hole for cover was never going to make things better.

He is not perfect but, he tries so much harder now. We still have stuff to work through but, at least he listens.

You sound a very determined person, especially with regards to your children. Keep them at the forefront of your mind, on the good and the bad, and you will find the strength to heal.

Stay safe and keep going
:tup:

 

[Anna]

I found after a decade of coping, suddenly in my 30s some of the symptoms are recurring and getting worse. Guess I need to figure out a new way of coping. No idea why it can suddenly get to you or come back. Maybe stress induced from life events?

 

[Deleted member 14359]

My councellor thinks my 20 year gap was due to stress and the one of random guy who grabbed my shoulder one dark January morning outside a newsagent. I did not see or hear him coming either. This, coupled with oither stresses in my life appear to have created my new situation.

 

[Scott Bonner]

We all live in the darkness of our past... it just takes a blur, the right blur (or wrong blur) to bring all this crashing back down around us for some strange reason?? The light and goodness we have enjoyed for so long disolves as if instantly... anxiousness takes over, loss of breath, and constantly questioning of our world and its surroundings??

What have we done to deserve this all over again... why am I being punished once more when I've done nothing wrong.... i was the one in the right through all of this so how come if feel so belittled and worthless?? We tried to lead a normal life for so long and felt so in control for most of the 47 years then 3 years ago..... BANG!!!!!

We are all here because eventually things somehoiw have a way of catching up on the best of us... although we are so kind and loving we loose all site of these things and go into war mode and protect ourselves against all others although they are here to help and support us but our own fears and thoughts are so real we just can't draw a line in between the now and the past, the real and the not real, whats a thought and whats not?????

And why??????????? All because its now time to clear all this for good.

Hang in there, your now on a journey for you, for your future and your own benefit but its worth it because you will come out of this with the sunshine breaking through ever so gradually but eventually it breaks even more and more. Its worth the struggle the effort and the wait.... your worth so much more than you can ever imagine :)