It's not so much that we don't want to love, but that we are scared of it, because we are always on the lookout for the next thing to go wrong. Then again, I could be totally wrong about that but it's been my experience at least.
this is understandable but with or without PTSD thats what its all about, Taking a chance on love
If I detach some, then if and when the disappointment happens, it's easier to deal with
I'm here again.
My first 'real' boyfriend forced himself upon me... even when I clearly stated my wishes... he told me that he loved me and that was what love was. I never had a boyfriend growing up, and at the time, I didn't have my parents or friends to go to, I was homesick when I met him and ashamed after all happened. My husband three days later sort of rescued me; he cared for me and treated me like I thought a MAN should. But he was detached having been military for 12 years. He never cheated, hit, or verbally abused me. The worst part is he tucked 100% of his emotions inside of him and didn't even let an inkling out till I was done. I wish we had known ourselves then how we know ourselves now.
Though I am past that day, I still wonder the same things... taking chances on more what "I feel" is love. We are no different from non-diagnosed to diagnosed PTSD. We all have the same fear about relationships especially as we get older. Many of my girlfriends just getting out of divorces feel the same way. That is the hardest thing for me about PTSD.... when it comes to relationships. WE ALL HAVE BEEN HURT. Though I understand and appreciate where missd84 comes from, I still have a hard time excusing my boyfriend for his 'excuses'. The only thing I know and believe at this moment about PTSD is that when there is extra stress involved, it makes it THAT much harder to be responsible in a relationship - that being - after all the research I've done, it is social 'norm' to be 'responsible' for each other. We tend to place that upon ourselves like being thin, or pretty, or fit, or having the nicest things.
No one owns their own feelings anymore, or understands that relationships are
partnerships, not "you are supposed to take care of me" relationships, or "I have to take care of you". If someone isn't able to accept you for who you are, then I guess as hard as it is to admit "They just aren't that into you." That goes for accepting you for truly loving them in return. If my boyfriend is unable to even be a 'partner'/true definite = friend, then we are not capable of a healthy future. But then again, we are at the very most "friends" and at times he's not always the best one.
I know that my sufferer loves me very deeply... but he too wants a healthy relationship. I refuse to accept that "he" thinks I deserve someone or something better because it is his own guilt saying these things. "So be better" or at least show action you are working on it. He is a great person and has more qualities that complete me than even my last 5 boyfriends combined. The only thing he does not do is "be a boyfriend". So I've come to the conclusion, he's not my boyfriend. He's not ready for that. It isn't a fear of committment, and I refuse to let him slide on the fact that he'll get hurt again because the women that have hurt him cheated, were younger than 25 and still finding themselves, used, and took advantage of all the good qualities he does have.
His PTSD part relates to war. His relationship tacticts relate to his upbringing. He and I are not at war, and he states he wants more than what his family represents. And I will not cheat. But I also won't put myself into a position where the thought may eventually cross my mind. He needs to heal himself before he can even be ready to put himself into a serious committed relationship.That is PTSD. Me continuing to believe something that it is not is being blind and foolish and setting the kindling to despise him in the future - which he does not deserve.
I too have had to get myself to a point where I don't flinch when someone raises their voice to me. Where I don't cringe every time the song "You look wonderful tonight" comes on. Where I can believe that "sex" is not the only way to feel "love".
I feel sorry for everyone on here who suffers in relationships because I think people have gotten so lost in what relationships are supposed to be about from children to adults, from girlfriends/boyfriends to wives/husbands. We forget that relationships are about being with your best friend and your best friend accepts you for WHO YOU ARE. You are best friends. You are partners. You accept each other but still motivate the other.
My best friend? Is an astonomer. She's worked her rear end off to get where she is and that primarily means through many illnesses (and I swear she is a slight hypochondriac because of her mother's upbringing though I love both to death). While she was studying and doing thesis', I was a ski bum promoting concerts and hanging with celebs on vacation. I was a straight A student so I feel a little low compared to her when I am not traveling the world or vying for my title as Doctor... but it doesn't matter! We pick up where we left off. We support each other when we need each other and there is no score. Even though she has half the breath of a normal person, and I have to be prepared to stab her with an epi pen if we are out and she quits breathing, she complains yet still strives to make the absolute MOST of her life. She is my best friend because she doesn't give up. She doesn't give up on herself, on hope, or on me. And I have fun with, make the slight acceptions when we make plans, and live completely because SHE's chosen to live and I take no responsibility... she takes it all. She is one of my closest inspirations next to my father who has not walked a normal step in his life since the age of 5.
So, choose your battles but always choose yourself. If no one supports you, sick or healthy... move on. It's not worth the fight, but is the fight or love worth the chance??? A question we are all faced with sick or healthy, and maybe one we spend more time overanalyzing than the one to walk away when it is wrong.
(((((((SUFFERERS and CARERS alike))))))))
