General Ptsd Sufferers Cant Feel The Love Emotion?

[ISupportHer]

I think a lot of it can be that it is hard to love someone else if you do not, first, love yourself. There are various behavioral models whose authors feel that basic needs must be met before you can go on to other things. That you have to feel personal "safety" before other things can come.

ISH

 

[Lemmingnot]

It took my husband a year and a half to say he loved me. When he finally felt comfortable saying those words, he never stopped. He was afraid of admitting his vulnerability and afraid of abandonment.

But it hurt a lot in the beginning when he wouldn't say it. And it still hurts a lot when he doubts our love during his episodes. I just have to remember that the episode is short compared to our relationship (11 years).

 

[ButterflyBoof]

Hi everyone...well, I finally had to turn to this forum for help. I will TRY to be brief, though that may be a bit of a challenge if I am to make the picture clear. But here I go, as I really need your help/input...

My "guy" of one year and 8 months still isn't MY guy. He is a 47 yr old combat PTSD sufferer from the first gulf war. So for all this time, we have been exclusive as far as sex goes. We do everything together. We spend pretty much every day together, hang out with his family on a regular basis. Basically, we are gf/bf in every sense and to everyone around us except HIM! He has told me from day one that he "can't" feel love, can't fall in love...can't feel what he says he SHOULD if he is to give me the title of "girlfriend."

Now, I KNOW how real his PTSD is...I actually have PTSD as well, and this is one of the things that has bonded us together. The things that USUALLY freak out the guys I date (the fact that crowds stress me out, anger issues, fear of meeting new people, etc) he gets, and I get his "issues" as well...neither one of us even sweat it with each other. But I am so deeply in love with him and he tells me he loves me, but that it's different for him than me. That he feels that part of him is dead forever, and so when he meets other women he does NOT present himself as taken. He so far in almost 2 years has not gone out with anyone else but still refuses to commit to me in any way.

My "friends" are so cruel about this, and try to tell me how I'm being used, that he is getting all the benefits without the commitment etc. And while I get where they are coming from, I know HIM. He has a wonderful, very close-knit family and he adores them. We are together as a group often and I am "one of them." He treats me like a QUEEN...very much a gentleman to me...always opens doors for me, never yells at me (we rarely fight), calls/texts several times a day every day, spoils me rotten with gifts and help, is there for me when I'm sick, sad, etc...I can call him at 3am (and have) and he is always concerned, never angry (and he has major anger issues, so the fact that he rarely "takes it out on me" says a lot to how much respect he has for me).

So anyway, he tells me he loves me but "not in the same way." Tells me he cares for me deeply but will never be able to return my feelings, and he says he often feels guilty because he is hurting me and that I should find someone who will give me everything I want. Well, I don't WANT anyone else, I want HIM! I want to spend my life with this person and though we have "broken up" many times, we always end up back together...it never even lasts an entire day. He says I make him happy. He tells his family that I make him laugh. He says he's happy with me and doesn't want me to go anywhere but then also says he doesn't want to be the reason I hold back from finding someone who CAN love me. This always hurts me...if I mention dating other guys etc, he says it would be a little weird for him but that he would give me dating advice and he would not be jealous. That hurts so much.

So, I go to the old adage "actions speak louder than words." Well, he treats me like a gf in almost every respect (I just want it declared to his family, friends, FB, women he meets etc) and is so good to me, and I KNOW he doesn't want to lose me. I guess I am so sad because I love him so much and all I really want from him at this moment is to be his gf. If I have to wait (even if it never comes) for him to fall in love, or want to marry me, so be it. I just want to know I'm part of a committed relationship with him and he says that day will never come. He wrote me an email when he was upset with me and said if I was waiting for him to come around, if he was going to he would have by now. He said that I read too much into the caring things he does for me...that while he cares deeply, it is NOT an indication of some deep down love that is waiting to spring forth...I can't tell you how much that hurt. The next day, after his agitation had subsided, he apologized and said if he had that letter to write over again, he'd never say those things. And let me tell you, I don't push him.

He knows how I feel...he knows I love him and want more, but I don't bug him about it. So, I need an outlet. I need help and advice and I don't want to burden him with these musings. Please, any and all advice/insight etc will be greatly appreciated. Feel free to ask any follow up questions. BTW, I am 43, in case that matters.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Prettysmile...your post was way back in October 2011 so I'm not sure you are online anymore, but in hopes that you do get this...I read about your struggles with the decision to stay or go with your Marine BF.

I am going on 3.5 years with my retired army man who suffers from combat ptsd. I can only give you advise from what I've experienced...if you stay with him you will likely always be at the mercy of his PTSD as it is a life-long mental illness.

My fiance has not been able to control it and the end result is much of what alot of people post on this site. Bad things. I was totally the most optimistic person on earth when it came to loving my man...but my experience is that love was not able to conquer all...and your mental and physical health could end up being in jeapardy. Just be careful and keep reading about ptsd and keep your eyes wide open, because when the symptoms hit it's not always so easy to tell that it's ptsd, and if so how to deal with it.

It's alot to sign up for as a caregiver because it almost seems like you cannot do anything right & you are expected to forgive all kinds of unforgivable actions. Your mind will start playing tricks on you too because it's easy for our minds to rationalize their bad behavior by calling it ptsd.

Good luck and I hope this was helpful.

 

[benevolent63]

Its fair to say that some sufferers have unstable emotions, probably called numbness but mainly a chemical imbalance the symptom of PTSD. I myself am on meds for this. The meds have helped me keep some of this imbalance in check perhaps this could be an option as well as therapy. There is no doubt that the symptoms of PTSD is in play, unfortunately this disorder drives away people from the sufferer because they don't understand why that person is the way they are. I know that I myself have had diffficulty with some relationships because of this disorder. Taking offense for his actions will not help him, getting him the right help will. Good luck.

 

[aerolock1969]

Thank you Benevolent63. My experience as a caregiver has been frustrating and draining and my reply was for a caregiver who was asking for advice. For one, it seems that every bit of advice a caregiver tries to give or receive gets immediately attacked and/or we are told to 'help' the sufferer at all costs and not talk about our experiences and frustrations. Please know the costs are extremely high for us and should be disclosed to new caregivers so they know what they are signing up for. Every case is different, but I did nothing BUT help my vet for 3.5 yrs, and he will be the first to attest to that. This includes taking him to the VA to get him on meds that he wouldn't do himself, to pay for massages to relax him, to coax him into ptsd therapy at the VA, to ignoring tons of odd behavior that causes me stress, to take care of everything around the house, his kid, etc etc. This is all exhausting, but we caregivers do it because we love our mate.

To say "it will not help to take offense to his actions but instead help him" is not fair. It's not always possible to help someone with ptsd, they have to help themselves. Despite any and all help I have provided, he has cheated on me & been verbally abusive whenever something else in his life causes him a stressor. It is hard not to take offense to this behavior and to continue to support someone who acts like this. I think it is important to let all caregivers know that this is a common problem that they might experience because it will affect their happiness and quality of life, and ultimately peace and happiness is everyone's goal on this forum. If somone had told me this advice at the beginning of my relationship I would have appreciated it so I would have known what I was in for. It's better for both the sufferer and the caregiver to have as much information as possible so to avoid surprise stressors.

 

[Tinyflame]

As a sufferer I don't think I've been verbally abusive as a matter of course to anyone, though I've said some horrible, isolated things when angry (sometimes).
And I've never cheated on anyone, if anything I try to get them to date someone else.

I realize ptsd is draining, and apologies can mean little when one is tired of all of it, and the person, however. I think it's easy -perhaps even likely- for a carer to become numb to their spouse or SO, or family member with pts, also, perhaps 'fall out of love' or just too many resentments, things that have gone unsaid, apologies not made (and/or ) behaviours repeated. Sick of it and them.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Junebug, thanks for the post. It really helps to receive acknowledgement & support for what the caregivers experience. I'm glad you have never cheated:). Unfortunately it is a possible side effect of ptsd. I agree with you that the caregiver can become numb and even develop secondary ptsd from being around the sufferer...all of which I have experienced. I can also see how it could be possible to fall out of love, although that is not the case with me. I still love my mate, however he makes it nearly impossible to co-exist together unless I'm walking on eternal eggshells. I know some of the triggers that causes his ptsd to spark, so I try to help him avoid those things (knowing that I'll be on the recipient end of his anger for the following week or two if it sparks). Two of his triggers are war movies and looking at pics of some fallen soldiers who he lost. He seems determined to keep looking at these things and even if I beg/plead not to, he will still watch them and then get mentally messed up for 2 weeks or so. It's frustrating because even though it seems obvious to avoid these things, he's drawn to them.

 

[ButterflyBoof]

@LindaFredericks So much of what you just said rings true with my situation with my man.

I am the carer, and again, he has combat PTSD. He too, has cheated on me. I only caught him once but I highly suspect there are more. He is very secretive with his cell, computer, etc. He seems to HAVE to have women be attracted to him. Once he gets that attention, he kind of "dumps" the woman. In other words, once he knows he can have them, he doesn't really want them anymore.

He has said to me numerous times he's not sure how or why we have lasted this long (almost 2 years) when no one else was able to last more than a few months. But we both think it's because I also have PTSD (though from abuse and tragedy, not the military) so I am very understanding of his "issues." The cheating thing is so VERY unforgivable to me but I can't really prove anything. He knows how I feel and if I catch him again, I am gone.

He went above and beyond to make up for it, to apologize, to say it wasn't worth it, that he doesn't want her etc. And all this and he STILL won't call me his girlfriend or admit to any kind of commitment between us.

Yes, it WOULD be very easy to walk away from him. He DOES cause me TONS of heartache, stress etc. with his issues which on top of, I get no commitment and that drives me bonkers. BUT!!!! I know his story. I know what PTSD is like. Being a fellow sufferer has bonded us and so I can understand (but not condone) a lot of his "bad" behavior. Also, he is INCREDIBLY good to me. He is always concerned with my wellbeing...do I have enough to eat, enough money, can I pay my bills.

We do many fun things together. Spend all our time together. Celebrate holidays, hang out with his family, etc. He would NEVER hit me or call me names etc. In 2 years (and we have been thru a LOT in that time) he's never come close to those things. So, I love him.

In the past, I've walked away from love when it became to hard and only regretted it. If you are not being abused, and you love someone, you stay. Good or bad, sickness or health and all that. I have told myself where he is concerned "a deal is a deal."

I know he will likely leave me someday, but for now, he is with me and I am happy. This is a conclusion after MUCH soul searching. (See my first post...no one really responded but I figured it out on my own.) I wish everyone here, carers and those with PTSD the very best.

I still need to vent from time to time as he is incredibly hard to be with much of the time, and I am often hurt by him emotionally. I hope that it's ok if I come here to air my grievances. :)

Thanks, and hope my two cents was helpful.

 

[Tinyflame]

It has been my experience that ptsd doesn't cause anyone to do a specific thing, it causes 'us' to feel a specific way, and then behaviours we loosely choose. I say loosely, because it depends on severity, foreseeable options, being sober (or not), etc.

If 'secondary ptsd' is caused, it is actually a diagnosed case of primary ptsd (for example from living with someone with ptsd who is abusive/ threatens your life, etc).

No one can walk on eggshells. I have done and do it, and the end result is that it only makes things worse. :(

 

[ButterflyBoof]

Junebug I know what you mean about eggshells. Like the song says "the things we do for love." LOL All the best to you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have ptsd and I adore my husband. I am deeply and profoundly in love with him. I feel good when we kiss and hug. He has always loved me so passionately. He wanted to make up for all of the pain I had experienced. We have been together for 36 years.


We had alot of rocky years where we fought alot, but it was always me and him. We did not have alot of family support. I think that would have made a difference.

Now I am his caregiver because he is very sick. I do everything now. Ours will not have a happy ending, but our love for each other grows stronger every day. We have each other, and we are very good companions. He has become my soulmate.

So I think it is possible for someone with ptsd to feel and express love. I hope this helps out.