General Ptsd Sufferers Cant Feel The Love Emotion?

[Prettysmile]

After a two year long rollercoaster ride of emotions with my Marine who suffers from Combat PTSD.. I think I have finally through in the towel. I cant take the back and forth of him wanting to be with me today and the next week he feels we shouldnt be together because he thinks I deserve better. I am a very strong person. I made an exception with him with the back and forth thing because I now know what he is going through.

However, I've been reading more and more about combat PTSD recently and it explains numerous times that people whos suffer from this illness are emotional flat, and they have trouble identifying their emotions. I dont know if I am interpreting some of what I am reading incorrectly but here is what I am understanding from what I read.

My sufferer has a hard time having that loving feeling.. When were are apart he doesnt miss me, when we kiss he does not get all tingly inside like i do.

If any of my interpretaions are true. I will have to walk away and maybe just be a friend. If I walk away, he couldnt hurt right? He is emotionally flat correct? I just dont know if I could go on loving someone who may never know how it feels to love me back or someone who will always continue to walk away each time we get closer. How could we build a bond. I know it sounds selfish. But everyone deserves to be loved. But If he doesnt feel anything. Can someone explain that if he cant feel any love for me, then why does he always come back?

Maybe I just need an actual definition from a sufferer when they say "emotional flat" numbness" etc.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Prettysmile -

You're doing research. Always nice to know. It's tough when we have to start from scratch on the symptoms and all.

Emotional detachment is what rurins the marriages and relationships for these military guys, why women cheat or walk away. How many times have your read on here alone someone saying "He's not the same"? The military has taught them for x years to be angry, or set aside feelings when things happen, to either get pushed down for eons or not be delt with until the volcano explodes. I imagine it's like having to teach a child, or animal, that's been abused that you love them and how to return that love. It takes time, and depends on if you can set aside your own needs and feelings and really go out there to be with them, and hang on until you see it pay off. That's a selfless act that will weed out the weak from the strong.

For me, my definition is someone who always asked me first thing how I was, to not asking or talking to me all year when I've done nothing wrong.

He probably comes back because he feels safe with you, obviously trusts you a great deal, and I think perhaps you have to ask yourself if that doesn't consitutute "love" right there. To me, that's perhaps the deepest love, because the mushy stuff always fades - always. It's the commitment that is what keeps the relationship together when the gooieness subsides.

 

[Lucycat]

I am a sufferer. I cannot define emotional flatness or numbness, I just know it is real and distressing.

I don't know if you have ever tried to google 'love'? I have in an attempt to understand what I was supposed to be feeling. But of course there is no sensible definition for that either. It says airy fairy things like feeling good, or having pleasant feelings for another person. When you don't feel anything none of this makes sense.

I knew it would hurt my husband if I told him I did not feel love any more, but I have had the discussion with my T. He was reassuring that the feelings can come back with effort and time and therapy. He explained that just knowing that the love was there - that I still cared about my H, would help me ride the storm, and he was right. I DO feel the love again, although maybe differently to before.

 

[Prettysmile]

but I have had the discussion with my T. He was reassuring that the feelings can come back with effort and time and therapy. He explained that just knowing that the love was there - that I still cared about my H, would help me ride the storm, and he was right. I DO feel the love again, although maybe differently to before.

Lucycat, hearing this was a breath of fresh air. You answered my question pretty much by stating that you can feel love again. I'm glad you asked your T becasue my marine refuses to talk to his T about "love". I've asked him to ask his T about Love and our relationship and all he tells me is that they have more serious issues than that to pick apart . Hearing it from a sufferer saying that you now feel love makes me feel better.

Army Bratt, Thanks for your insight. Your right. He has said he feels safe with me and that he doesnt trust anyone but for some reason he lets his guard down for me. I too thought the same thing. I thought that he must keep coming back because he does love me, whether he feels it or not. I was just making sure that I wasnt just lying to myself. It's definitly a rollercoaster ride and one needs a strong stomach to get through this ride. This ride is not for the weak.

Okay , now I'm more confused. Should I stay or let it go? I want to walk away because I am unsure of how long it will it takefor him to feel that love he had for me a year ago, and what if it never comes bac? I would have wasted my good years waiting.

Well he has never done anything wrong to me. No cheating, no verbal or physical abuse like some stories I've heard on here with other partners of people suffering from Ptsd. Other than this little sneaky ptsd monster that creeps up on us where he shuts down, become extremly insecure and pushes me away. I really dont have any complaints.

I love him. And he always said he wanted to be with me forever. But If we get married, I am afraid this will continue. The walking out and saying that he deserves better. The no call no show for a week. I'm sorry I would not tolerate that in a marriage. I know I love him but sometimes love just aint enough.

 

[Prettysmile]

I don't know if you have ever tried to google 'love'? I have in an attempt to understand what I was supposed to be feeling. But of course there is no sensible definition for that either

Lol. You are soo right about this one. Google cant even answer the question "what is love?" correctly! No one really can. But we do know what it feels like inside to want someone and to miss someone. I dont know the exact meaning of love but I do know some of the symptoms.

Symtoms include :

( in the early stages ) weird nervous feeling in your stomach when you know they are about to visit you. also known as butterflies.

When the person of interest stays on your mind through out the day no matter what your doing

The highlight of your day is hearing that persons voice

When you have a agrument or falling out with this person and you feel like your heart is going to rip out your chest and you feel like crying.

And always wanting to be by that person side.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

P -

To be honest with you - and everyone - I just send a text over to mr. armyman saying I couldn't live like this one more day and I apologized but said I was for sure done and ending this, and then turned OFF my phone - for the weekend! It's sent out, he's got it, and I will not turn on my phone for the weekend. Chances are more not good than good of him not answering anyway.

It boils down to this - if they are not actively getting the proper help they need, nothing any of us do will change them. It won't. In addition, if they are not actively getting the help they need in order to learn how to keep us and keep us happy (as happy as we women can be :)), then they are just going through the motions, and somone else will come along for them and for us.

I just know I've had absolutely more than enough. He's also had enough time to show me he's doing what he can on his end to be with me. I haven't seen it, therefore I'm now going to pursue someone who DOES show it.

 

[amethist]

Hi Prettysmile

Sufferers can feel and show love again, but it does take time for these emotions to come back to them.

Just over 2 years ago I was lucky if I even got a hug from my husband, now some days, he seems to be as he was pre PTSD. Nothing is the same as it was, the changes are different, but so far so good, if he continues like this, who knows what the future holds.

What I do know, is that even though he could not show he loved me, I knew he still did. It may have been vague and distant at times, but very slowly it is all coming back again.

So from nothing 4 years ago, to half way back, it has not been easy, and still a long way to go, but he is getting there.

Amethist

 

[Prettysmile]

Army how long have you known armyman? Did you know him before he had ptsd? When was the last time he showed real love and affection?

My Marine shows me affection everytime we see each other. even while he is breaking up with me. His actions and words are not lining up. I know the saying " action speak louder than words." But when your significant other is telling you maybe you should see other people and think we should just be friends. It seems questionable. Because of my past with my last failed relationship with my exfiance who cheated on me. When I see things like this in my marine. I automatically think " are you cheating". What other good explanation would there be for him to say such a thing if he does love me?

Yea, It may be his PTSD but Ive been on here and seen many people in a committed relationship with someone with PTSD. Why does he keep running?

Amethist you are extremly patient. But your already married to him. I cant get mine to stay put for more than two weeks at a time let alone let him put a ring on my finger. And right now Im not sure if I want him to!

 

[May1321]

Pretty - I am exactly where you sit today trying to make a decision and wondering if I'm being hasty or not.

My boyfriend and I've discussed this thoroughly and it was actually a really GREAT conversation and he did most the talking. I know I deserve better, He definitely thinks and tells me I deserve better, but I know he loves me and I love him. I would argue that THIS is the kind of love I want to feel the rest of my life because it is "sure" even if he was to walk away, go through his PTSD motions.

However, I do want a little more action from him and I think right now just me staying is enabling him to be 'just is' with me vs. 'better' like he wants to be for me.

Please understand as I struggle with these words within myself but I would never walk away to 'trick' him into making his forward steps. Sometimes I just feel like while at the same time I am preventing myself form seeing that 'better' be it with anyone, I am also preventing him from BEING better for anyone.

I feel like I am the reason he decided it was high time he gets better, but that the same time the reason why he is not completing his mission :(

My ex husband (divorced almost 10 years) was a military man and even though we didn't have PTSD like my boyfriend and I do now... the communication and actions were the same. It took me walking away for him to follow through with what he had originally set out to do and promise me he'd do. I regret that walking away so much... but mostly how I did it. I didn't want to look back. We got a quick divorce and I was moving on before the ink was dry. Not that it was an excuse but I had just turned 22 and he was turning 31.

Now... ironic... I am 31 and faced with a similar relationship, afraid to make the same mistakes I did before as now my boyfriend actually HAS Combat PTSD... not just affects of years of military drills and training. He's a hotter wire and be them eggshells... but it is keeping me from making rash decisions which in turn is good for me... I'm thinking things through.

It's hard not to have the outside opinion our friends who don't totally get it. "Are we wasting our lives 'waiting' for them to FEEL the love they say they have for us?" "Is it going to be worth it, or are we wasting our good years?" I don't know yet. I don't know what is worse. Having this fulfilled relationship where he does need solitude on occasion but we are getting to a point of 'trust' (I too having been cheated on in late relationships), or having a relationship that truly IS flimsy? I don't know... I just don't know. I constantly go over and over what matters most and at this moment, everything is right in my world and he fits... I accept that in a couple of weeks, months, years, he may not. That's not PTSD... that's just the unfortunate part of settling into life and relationships and love. Unfortunate.

((((PRETTY SMILE)))))

 

[MontanaJem]

I think in deciding to stay or go, it all boils down to whether or not you are getting what you want or need out of a relationship.

I am a carer and my bf has been a PTSD sufferer for most of his life but we only met a few years ago. Because of my own issues and his PTSD, even though we knew we loved each other, it took us 2 years to express it in words. It was scary as hell for the both of us as our love and trust is not easily given.

Can he give me everything I want and need in a relationship? No. He doesn't easily express emotion of any kind *to me* but in getting to know him and hearing him talk of others he cares for, I know he feels his emotions deeply. Like most women, I'd like to be wined and dined, to receive small gifts out of the blue and receive notes of affection or a cd burned with special songs, but those things don't happen.

So why am I still with him? The mental and emotional connection we have - maybe even psychic at times - is something I have never experienced with anybody in my life. We have so much in common that it's like the Twilight Zone. Also, to be with a man who I know does not take the words "I love you" lightly and at times is the rock while I'm the one who is a mess, is priceless to me.

PTSD impacts his life in a big way and if he were not as self-aware of it as he is and doing what he can to manage it, I don't think I could stay.

I think when someone tells you that you could or should find someone better, someone who will be all that you want, or that you deserve better, it's out of frustration with themselves, knowing that they cannot fill those shoes and they're afraid they will be a constant disappointment to you. So rather than continue hurting you, they're willing to let you go to find someone that makes you truly happy and that to me, IS an expression of love.

 

[MsPositive40]

OMG... MontanaJem everything you just wrote while I was reading it, I felt as if i wrote that. I am going through something just like that, my Boyfriend just broke up with me 5 days ago. He said I deserve to find someone that can give me all the love and happiness i deserve, and that killed me! I dont know what to do. should I give him time, space and wait for him to call me?

I just finish writting him a long letter, letting him know that I adore him with all my heart and that I want to be with him in this long Road that we will have, I know it wont be easy but I am a strong woman and I know we can do this together!

I also agree with what you said "I think when someone tells you that you could or should find someone better, someone who will be all that you want, or that you deserve better, it's out of frustration with themselves, knowing that they cannot fill those shoes and they're afraid they will be a constant disappointment to you. So rather than continue hurting you, they're willing to let you go to find someone that makes you truly happy and that to me, IS an expression of love".

<Coloured text removed by Amethist>

 

[MontanaJem]

Hi MsPositive!

While my bf has never said anything like that to me, I know he feels he disappoints me at times but I have my moments too so it's not a one-way street by any means! While I don't have PTSD, I do have PTSD symptoms at times from my own traumas and that's one of the reasons we clicked so well - we understand each, other although he understands me better than I understand him!

If he were ever to say something like that, I would tell him to let ME decide as he doesn't necessarily know what's best for me. Although we have made a long-term commitment to each other, he also knows that if I can't handle it anymore, I will tell him and we'll go from there.

You may want to tell him something like that and that you love and adore him and for now, HE is the man you want to be with. If you're both truly committed to making the relationship work, there is hope that it *will* work!

Jem