General Ptsd Sufferers Cant Feel The Love Emotion?

[ButterflyBoof]

@Gizmo I think so too, but maybe it depends on many things?? I don't know, but am guessing. Maybe what caused the PTSD, the person, their upbringing etc.? Who knows. All I know is with my man, he says he doesn't feel what he SHOULD for me, and doesn't feel he ever WILL be able to fall in love again.

He says he remembers the day he shut his emotions off in Iraq, and that he has been numb since. He has gone to counseling, but for whatever reason, refuses to try with me. What/how he really feels is a mystery. He is EMPHATIC that he doesn't love me and never will etc, but when I talk about leaving, he does a sort of backtrack, telling me how happy I make him, how lucky some guy is going to be to have me etc. We always end up together. We spend every day together, every holiday, lots of time with his family, etc. He is extremely generous with his time, affection, gifts etc...which is why I'm so confused, LOL. I am staying though, but find him difficult and I find myself hurt often. Hope some of this makes sense to you? I think maybe it sounds rather jumbled. Sorry.

PS The reason he confuses/hurts me is because this has been going on for almost 2 years. He refuses to call me his GF or make any kind of "real" commitment to me. He tells me not to "read too much" into the nice things he does for me, that it is not the result of some deep seeded love that is waiting to spring forth...that if he was going to "come around" he would have already. His words. So, I've noticed he says the most hurtful things after I express my love for him, or if we share something (like when I took care of him after a recent surgery) that brings us close, then I get the verbally hurtful letter/lecture, which he then takes back the next day or whatever.

 

[Anna]

I had BPD as well as PTSD. In my view it was my relationship with my parents which has caused this problem with being able to "bond" with one person. Although I have felt love and sadly been very deeply hurt in many relationships. I think in some ways it is a defense mechanism to stop you from getting hurt again because your mind just simply could not cope with it. Love can destroy you.

 

[aerolock1969]

Wow, alot of great comments from all of you in the past day. Butterfly...it sounds like we are dating the same man...LOL. Seriously. The only difference is mine did commit to me and asked me to marry him...2.5 yrs ago, to include the traditional courtesy of asking my parents first and then proposed to me in front of his family. It was all so magical to me and I felt like a queen. A big deal was made about it with my family, his family, and everyone at my work...pure bliss. This was after one incidence of his cheating that I forgave him for and I thought this meant he was done with that and moving on to a great life together. He told me she didn't mean anything to him and he even let me talk to her on the phone to ensure it was over. I told him in a loving voice, I will be there for him for everything regarding his ptsd, but I will not ever deal with cheating again. He said ok. He got on meds that he needed but I could not get him off the heavy drinking...which might add to the problem in my particular relationship.

Like someone said above, I think it depends on alot of things, if they drink or not, how they were brought up, do they have combat military training, etc, etc. So after 9 months of pure bliss of us living together and having the best time of my life, a few key stressors came into his life that made him SNAP. He suddenly turned on me after the 9 months of bliss in an instant and looked at me as if I was the enemy on the battlefield. This was very hurtful, to say the least! We had just built a dream and a life together and then as soon as his stress was triggered (by his Ex & his kid, long story)...he turned me into her in his mind and literally for 1.5 years after that he was mean, distant, and verbally harsh towards me for no reason. He would disappear for 10 hours and then not say where he had been. Even disappeared overnight 2 times. No words can describe how painful this was for me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had to kick him out. I was hoping his ptsd would calm down over time but it didn't. After 6 months of him living apart, he came back and was as loving and nice as when were were happy, which made me so very happy. He was ready to move back in with me when one night I received a phone call from a woman who said she had been having a relationship with him for the past 6 months...! I had a breakdown. The pain of that was too much. To know that he was having her spend the night at his house and then would come over to spend the next day with me, and even tell my Mom he would always take care of me, etc etc was shocking. I could not even get off the couch for 2 months, I was a mess. I work fulltime in a professional job so it was nearly impossible to work.

He did everything he knew to do to get me back....everything EXCEPT prove to me that he's no longer talking to other women. This was the one thing I needed. He still will not leave his phone out like most people do. So I have broken up with him for now because he put me in impossible situation. I can't risk putting myself into such an emotional nightmare again, and he will not prove to me that he is loyal to me. He says alot of words but his actions conflict with what he says. He was very secretive with his phone and now I know why. Be careful if your mate does this because when I finally checked it, there were multiple women in contact with him. I don't understand why but it's brutally hard to tolerate. It robbed me of my self-esteem, my happiness, my soul. I think the reason might stem initially from the ptsd anger going out of control, then intentional pushing the person they love aside (detach), and then wanting to 'feel' something other than the negative things that consume their mind daily.

Butterfly you've mentioned that you spend alot of time with his family. I also got very close with his family...and to be honest now I am a little bitter towards them because they loved me soooooo much, but it was ME who was taking the daily harsh effects of their ptsd family member, not them. They were living happy lives...having babies, enjoying life. I was living in a daily hell at home. They would call to see how things were going cuz they were worried about HIM...they liked me around because I was good for HIM. They were worried about what would happen to him if I was gone. But my wellbeing wasn't being taken care of. I would have appreciated if they would have stepped in and deal with some of his mood swings and help him get therapy instead of letting me do it ALL. So just be careful, your guy obviously loves you otherwise he'd dump you like the others, but don't sell yourself short either. I used to be the most bubbly, happy, innocent person...taught Yoga and fitness professional who loved life and motivated 100's of people towards fitness and health. After 3.5 years of this hell, without even knowing it was happening slowly over this timeframe, I became depressed, sad, have anxiety myself, hardly workout, haven't taught classes, all because my emotional needs were not being taken care of because I was 100% taking care of his feelings and needs. It's easy to fall into this trap when caring for someone with ptsd.

I think part of why this ptsd thing is so hard is because despite the hardships I've been through with my man, I feel paralyzed to date someone else. He's the man I love. It's an impossible situation. I also think about all the time I've invested. My advice is if you've been with your guy for 2 yrs, know that the same behavior is likely to continue (possibly could get worse) and then ask yourself if you can live with it forever. I'm at that crossroads now in my relationship. I feel incredible grief at the thought of leaving him because I love him deeply and he's good to me in certain ways. But I also feel grief at the thought of staying because he will never change...there will always be strange behavior like him being secretive with his phone and the trust is gone. If I stay I will be living a life of stress and anxiety, walking on eggshells. Tough choice. My heart goes out to all the caregivers as I don't feel many people understand really what we go through.

Most friends and family shrug it off as he's just a playboy or a jerk and look at me like a fool to put up with him. So we wind up isolated and alone in a sense because friends and family don't want to hear about it. Well most rational minds who don't understand ptsd do think this because this behavior sounds untolerable, and it probably is. Jury is still out for me. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I am sorry Linda.
PTSD is like incredible, heightened, unending level of stress.
It is very hard to find a way, place or relationship wherein it's possible or safe to dial the stressful feelings down, or be able to put them down.
You are right, very few know how that feels. Even less can relate, and a select few have what gizmo and her H have, which I think it's safe to equally say and expect it was very hard fought to get through, and to.

You're right, it takes a high level of commitment, to work on it as a sufferer, and within relationships.

 

[Anna]

Trust is also very very hard when you have PTSD. You can easily turn against people because of this :(

 

[aerolock1969]

Thanks Junebug and Anna, it really helps me to hear from a sufferer as my mate never expresses what causes his moods or why so despite 3.5 yrs together, the only understanding I've received about ptsd is from doing massive reading. But I have not had the pleasure of chatting with sufferers for better understanding, so thank you. :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Linda, if you can make sense of any of it you're already a PhD! :) :tup:
(((((Hugs)))) and strength and happiness, to you.

 

[aerolock1969]

Thanks Junebug...it still does not make sense to me and since I'm an analytical/problem solver type person, it drives me nuts to not understand! :O_o: I'm also a natural caregiver so between the two, I have a hard time letting go and never making sense of my man's behavior and not taking care of him anymore. I have learned that I cannot help someone who does not want help. We'll see. :confused:

 

[ButterflyBoof]

@lindafredericks

Yes, it seems we ARE with the same man. LOL. I keep getting these emails that my grammar/sentence structure is messed up and I might be kicked out of this forum, so I will do my best. I find that frustrating since this site is so helpful to me and the others here, but I guess rules are rules.

What you wrote about your man sounds SO FAMILIAR! It scares me how secretive he is with his phone, computer etc. I just KNOW that if I were suddenly granted access to it, there would probably be too much for me to handle. I'm sure there is plenty there that would hurt me. But tonight, we got on the subject of when he "cheated" and he finally had enough of feeling on the defensive and told me he is not my boyfriend and he is pissed that I'm holding him to the standards of a boyfriend. That is his default statement whenever he feels like I am boxing him in, or holding him accountable.

It also greatly angers me. Such an easy statement to make. He has it made, wouldn't you say? He has a woman here who is deeply in love with him, gives him 2 years of loyalty, devotion and great sex, is not looking around, and yet he can do whatever he wants and cover his tracks with "but I'm not your boyfriend."

I can see many similarities between your man and "mine." Whats weird is, he says he doesn't ever want to be my boyfriend, will never be in love with me, is NOT in love with me, but that I'm more than just a friend. I asked him how so tonight and he got angry. Pointed out "would I share a phone plan, go into business with, share my family with, help pay expenses for" someone who is just a friend with benefits?

MY response to that is "THAT IS WHY I"M SO CONFUSED!" Sheesh...it's those very things that make me and the rest of the world think he MUST feel more than he does but when asked, will deny it to his death! To the point of losing me! So I told him tonight that the "I'm not your boyfriend" statement can go both ways, and if an opportunity comes my way, well...I guess I'm not obligated to tell him I met someone, or even if I go out with/kiss/have sex with that someone. He was not happy with that and has apologized to the moon and back for "cheating."

He has, too. He has gone above and beyond to make up for it, to be supportive of how it affected me, etc. But girl, I STILL don't trust him any further than I can throw him. Instinct, or am I just jaded? Hard to tell.

Now, I too, have PTSD. Have had it since I was a kid, from a traumatic experience and abusive upbringing. Then another tragedy when I became an adult. So I have almost every single "issue" as he. We both hate crowds, loud noises, traffic. We both like to be alone a LOT...which is why it's so cool that we are together daily and never tire of each other. We both have problems with anger. So I know I'm no picnic to live with either.

I guess I get frustrated because I think I'm selling myself short with him, and could find a WHOLE relationship elsewhere. So, why do I stay? I stay for all the good things. We make each other laugh. In fact, when we're together, it's about all we do is crack each other up. Being that we have such deep rooted issues with anger, this means we are good for each other. I stay because he takes good care of me. When I am down, he is there. If I want to call him at 3 am and cry, he listens and cares. If I am having a bad day, he does everything he can to pull me out of it. I have never had a more loyal and giving friend as he. Yes, he has a LOT of faults that are VERY difficult to deal with. But I wanted to share the good things, too.

OK...this question is for everyone out there who has been cheated on. I am an average girl. Some think I'm pretty, some think I'm OK...I'm really just average. I try to always look my best, for him as well as for myself. But the woman he cheated on me with? She is a beautiful blonde, very rich, great body, etc. Since that happened, and he admitted he felt so flattered that someone so good looking wanted him he just "couldn't" say no to her...well, my self esteem is in the toilet. No, actually it WAS in the toilet and now it's been flushed and is amongst the sewer dwellers LOL Seriously though, I have stopped wearing make up around him, or doing anything special with my hair because I feel like, obviously all of that wasn't good enough to keep him from doing what he did. I can NEVER be like her. I clean up good, but I'll never be Christie Brinkley, you know? (Who this woman closely resembles) How do I feel good about myself again? And how do I keep from feeling like a fool around him??? I put on make up and think "why bother??" Did anyone else go through this?

 

[ButterflyBoof]

PS. I guess I wish he looked at ME and thought how lucky he is. That he should be flattered to be with ME. She may have the upper hand on looks, but would she go through all this with him? I doubt it. But anyway, I now feel like I'm Roseann Barr to her Christie Brinkley and I hate feeling so low. And I'm so angry at him, I think "why the hell should I EVER make an effort for you??" Am I wrong to feel that way? Am I alone in that? How do I feel good about myself again? Cause I can do the best I can with what God gave me, but I'll never be of HER caliber. Oh my GOD I hate her. I know that's wrong too, because she doesn't know I exist but I hate her and all she stands for anyway. Sigh. I am blue tonight. So very hurt by someone I love so much. Why isn't it ever enough for him??

 

[ButterflyBoof]

PSS LOL I'm very sorry for all you have gone through as well. Would love to continue talking with you. Seems we have a very similar man we are dealing with. I will be here for you, and will listen and care. :)

 

[Nicolette]

How do I feel good about myself again? And how do I keep from feeling like a fool around him??? I put on make up and think "why bother??" Did anyone else go through this?

You answered part of your own question.......

I think I'm selling myself short with him, and could find a WHOLE relationship elsewhere.

Only you can make yourself feel like a fool ButterflyBoof. A woman can have all the great looks and wealth but can be superficial and have the personality of a dead fish. I see your goal as you finding a way to re-build your self esteem and I know that doing that with someone who has cheated on you very difficult if not impossible as those thoughts and questions will always hide in the back of your mind when he is late, doesn't answer the phone etc.

You say:

So, why do I stay? I stay for all the good things. We make each other laugh. In fact, when we're together, it's about all we do is crack each other up. Being that we have such deep rooted issues with anger, this means we are good for each other. I stay because he takes good care of me. When I am down, he is there. If I want to call him at 3 am and cry, he listens and cares. If I am having a bad day, he does everything he can to pull me out of it. I have never had a more loyal and giving friend as he. Yes, he has a LOT of faults that are VERY difficult to deal with. But I wanted to share the good things, too.

I say to you that you can have this with someone else and have a WHOLE relationship if you want. You attract what you think as that is what you project. My advise would be to find you, your self worth and qualities and focus on them. Rebuild you and the rest may then become clearer to you.

I'm not saying you should leave this man but I feel it sounds like he can step up a bit more and if he doesn't then only you can decide how much you accept.