Ptsd Sufferers - What Helps You Find And Keep A Date?

[Justmehere]

Not really much more to my question. This is open to any and all ideas and feedback.

My therapist thinks I'm ready to start getting my feet wet in the dating world again. I'm involved as I can be at church, work, social gatherings. I am re-starting an online dating profile. I am fighting a HUGE amount of negative self talk that no one would want to date me anyhow. I have accepted that I may never date or marry. I want a husband and kids someday but that ship may have sailed.

I want to give dating a try anyhow.

How do you all find nice guys to date? Guys that wouldn't mind a girl with PTSD. And how do I keep the relationship? How do I prevent my PTSD from destroying it? I will keep working in therapy on reducing PTSD symptoms, but for now, they are still very much there. But I don't want to exclude myself anymore.

 

[shandemonium]

I can really relate to this! And I even have a happy ending to tell you...

The thing is, I'm a lesbian so we face different challenges in the "dating world" but those voices that say 'no one will ever love me' can happen to anyone regardless of their sexual orientation. I fought that one hard and was single for 4 years. I had sexual partners in that time, but the loveless sex thing just made me feel worse and I shut everything off for years.

The important thing to remember is EVERYONE has a hard time with this; yes, even those people we see as "normal" are terrified and insecure when it comes to dating.

I met my current partner online. I guess the real work is changing how you see yourself and feel about yourself. The rest falls in line. It just does.

A word of advice for online dates; go into it thinking it will end up being a hilarious awkward story to tell a friend. Don't expect your soul-mate every time because that gets discouraging fast.

My quick happy-ending story: The funny thing with finding my gf is that she apparently showed my picture to someone who knew who I was. Our mutual friend "vouched" for me and I didn't know any of this happened. As a result, she invited me right to her house and I honestly thought she just wanted to hook up. When I got there, she told me about the person we both knew and said that's why she felt safe having me over instead of meeting in public. Then we just talked for a while, walked to the liquor store and bought some beer. We had a few beers in her living room and I left thinking "that was not what I expected" and things grew from there.

I am convinced that my change in attitude and perception about myself is the only reason I have attracted a healthy relationship. My ptsd is no fun for her, but finding a person who loves you unconditionally and your willingness to work on yourself for their sake is all you need. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. I repeat: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!!

One of the things I use to say when I felt like no one would date me was "man, even crackheads and toothless-angry-drunks have girlfriends! Why the hell can't I?!"

Lol, it's twisted but true and it did make me feel better. There is somebody out there for all of us. You are just as deserving of love as anyone else. And you are love-able!!

 

[risingsun]

I want a husband and kids someday but that ship may have sailed.

No ship has sailed. Life is forever blessing us with situations and people when we least expect it. Keep the faith. Know that the universe will bring you to exactly what you need it

How do I prevent my PTSD from destroying it?

You'll cross that bridge when you get there. And truly, when the right person comes along, they will love you PTSD or no PTSD. It won't matter.

But I don't want to exclude myself anymore.

I think its good you are getting back out into the world and allowing yourself to trust again. I think PTSD heightens our awareness and makes us more emotionally intelligent. So when the "one" comes along, you will know. You will feel safe. You are more in tune with your instincts now.

Warmest wishes to You. Remember, live in the now. No ship has ever sailed past. There is always one sailing in right behind it. Rising Sun.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I honestly want to punch people when they say that EVERYONE is terrified in the dating world. Uhm, NO, stop the presses. If EVERYONE were as bad as me, there would be a homo-sapien population of 45. Yeah, a guy recently told me this. I just shook my head and said "you have NO idea what its like for the feeling of love to be so effed up that it feels like hate" I grew up with the belief that love=pain and you throw that in with an innate reflex to avoid pain at all costs, and it just results in relationships that are worse than horror stories. Yeah, I'm used to it, but the guys....lets just say they've never experienced anything like me before. I'm trying the pen pal route right now as I know I could never do online dating, and some of those guys are just as bad. People tell me that I am beautiful but it just makes me want to scream at them. I have been nothing short of ugly most of my life, and by some stroke of luck I now look good. It was easier to be ugly because nobody questioned why I didn't date. They knew it was because I was ugly as sin. Now that I look good, I have constant urges to destroy myself. I hate the attention. I hate feeling like a sell-out to my former self. I even hate guys because they never would have given me a second glance before, but now that I am hot? Oh, yeah, I TOTALLY believe the compliments are sincere. *rolls eyes*. I wish I had either been born beautiful so I would know how to handle it and not be effed up in the head about it all or I wish I had stayed ugly so that I wouldn't be so damn bitter and cynical about the dating world and hold the belief that 99.9% of humanity is hopelessly shallow. But enough of my venting. Good luck in the dating world.

 

[Friday]

This is all past tense, because I'm on a dating hiatus at the moment, and is only one aspect (I'd like to know the answers to the rest!!!)

I've dated men who liked my PTSD as much as they liked me. They liked that I was so changeable. That I was wicked strong most of the time, and then just needed to curl up in their lap for the duration so we got to be partners and they got the whole conquering hero role from time to time. They liked the adrenaline junkie side of me, and they liked the freedom / independence that my periodic bouts of isolationism gave them. They liked the intensity level I need to keep steady. For better or for worse, my PTSD seems to be a part of who I am, now. I keep thinking I have the sucker licked, only to cycle back into it. Gah. Oh well.

I'm thinking of 2 men in particular as I'm writing this, because I was really really in love with those 2 (I screwed those relationships up by walking away), but there were honestly probably a dozen or so is the healthy range, and then a handful who were invested in me being sick. They only liked me when I was a mess and they could be a knight in shining armor, or when I could be taken advantage of. But a solid dozen or so liked me for who I am.

Point being, just because something is a burden for me (I hate it and it sucks!) doesn't mean that it's a burden for everyone.

 

[Notsowild]

I was on a dating site before my last trauma. And I went on a few dates with some really strange guys. But I met one guy who really connected with me. But then the trauma, and we just remained on-line friends. But he wanted more and I just told him I wasn't well enough for a relationship.

So I can't handle PTSD and a relationship. Or I don't give it a chance. It just seems like too much. I thought I'll meet Mr Right when I'm 80 lol.

 

[bell]

I'm on a dating hiatus, too, but now that I have been through 2 years of PTSD therapy, I find myself on a much better footing regarding dating than before when I was a chaotic whirlwind! One of the good things about online dating is that it is very helpful for "sticking your toe in the (proverbial) water," so to speak, as on most sites you can see who is checking you out and don't necessarily have to interact with them. While on each site there seems to be an initial flurry of attention at first (because you're like fresh meat on there when you're new!), it calms down after you've been on there awhile (or maybe that's just my experience?).

It's helped me come to terms with the fact that people are attracted to me and that I'm not all the negatives that I say to myself. Because through my visitor's list on the various sites, I have actual proof that someone saw my photo and clicked on it to learn more. Sad, but true, just this small part of online dating has helped me deal with my sometimes-negative self image.

As for keeping the relationship, well, that's something that I know little about. As only the ones who like my crazy seem to stay for the crazy, which is never a good sign. I'm reading the book Dead Link Removed now, and have found it incredibly helpful in regards to how I approach dating and new men that I meet. The book was recommended in Dead Link Removed (the title of which is so cheeseball I can't even type) and has been better than the cheeseball book! And the books of Harriet Lerner have been so helpful I've listened to several of them twice while working out at the gym, they all helped me to: a) see that I wasn't kinda normal (although some of my symptoms are elevated due to PTSD) and b) work through a bunch of things, too.

I write all of this in solidarity really, as I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing half the time when it comes to dating. However, looking at my dating attempts post-PTSD diagnosis and pre-PTSD diagnosis, I'm doing worlds better than I have ever done. So, wishing you the best of luck and hearing your frustration in the whole process, too! You can do this!

 

[Jane.l]

Not saying this to put you off in anyway - but just be very careful to keep safe. I have had two pretty nasty experiences very recently with guys who seemed pretty safe ( don't they always !) It has totally put me off ever trying again maybe it's just a bit raw - but also feel it's undone a lot of work I had done in therapy .

I am sure I have just been unlucky - either that or it is 'something about me' - but as I say don't want to put you off - have fun but take care - I was too busy protecting myself emotionally .

 

[risingsun]

And I went on a few dates with some really strange guys.

Ya, I tried the online sites a few times and had myself an obsessive phone stalker for a year so you definitely have to be careful when it comes to those sites.

 

[nursenurse]

Getting into the swing of things is hard PTSD or not. It took me five years to get out again, and I landed in a relationship that tanked. I am not PTSD, and my story is too complicated for now.

A friend of mine talked me into the free eDisharmony site, just so I could know that there are still decent guys out there. I am sure there are. I am having the greatest time reading the duds, the guy that wants a girl to saddle his horse, another whose only requirement of a girl is "punctuality" (she has to, uh, well, you know, on time?). Lol. You are not alone. When you find the secret, let me know. Otherwise, I am carrying on with life as is. Who knows, maybe someone will knock us flat on the arse.

 

[BlueOrange]

It is normal (but not universal) to be scared. Go gently, don't try to dive in the deep end, put a toe in the water & then reevaluate. Ultimately, taking good care of yourself will make you more attractive. Focus on taking care of yourself first (as best you can).

 

[passerine]

This thread is making me feel less alone. I've been on a kind of dating hiatus for a long time now and, in my early thirties, I too am feeling like the idea of having a solid relationship and having a family of my own may not be in the cards for me. I want to try and date anyhow, because as much as it terrifies me, being isolated and alone is just as painful as risking vulnerability.

I've tried the online dating route before, but it terrified me. Every time I get close to meeting someone in person I find an excuse to back out, or I go on one date and even if it goes well I am flaky with the person because I am just too scared to get close. Dating for me is threatening. I'm afraid I'll be triggered before I even get around to disclosing to the person I'm seeing that I have PTSD, and I'm not sure how I would do that to begin with!

I'm writing in solidarity, too, as I don't have much advice about dating with PTSD since I myself have been unsuccessful. I would suggest, though, (and I may even take my own advice here) looking into ways other than online dating to meet people. I know for me, the pressure of "dating" is enough to trigger me, and I'd rather develop a friendship with a potential partner first. It just feels safer that way. You mentioned that you are involved in social gatherings, which is a great step in the right direction. You might also consider joining a meet-up group where there are singles groups for people with shared interests.

I would also echo what others have said and go gently into this new territory. Take your time and put your own self-care needs first.