At 15 I was in a car accident (passenger) that left me with a ruptured liver and fighting for my life. My parents were on a vacation and finished it before coming home, I was out of ICU and in a private room when they arrived and prayed for me, then left. They came and got me when I was released and I was allowed to stay in the camper until I could move out again.
Since then, I have had bad reactions to car accidents, bad driving, drunken driving, any kind of irresponsible operation of a motor vehichle. I was witness to some very bad accidents, came upon some very bloody scenes, was in another much less severe accident myself, and lost several friends over the years to drunks and hit and run drivers that probably escaped the DUI by taking the hit and run charge.
I should have never been a firefighter/EMT, it turns out I was signing up for more of the poison that was slowly killing me.
I have just been diagnosed. I am a sufferer of PTSD and it is triggered by injury car accidents and close calls. I don't road rage, I am a very careful and responsible driver, to a fault. I go home and curl up in a little ball of self loathing and frustration at my lack of ability to get out of what I have always thought was just a depression. My therapists were telling me I suffered from and were treating me for depression, and it wasn't working, at all. I didn't recognize my own triggers, cause I was pretty much triggered everyday just by driving to and from work. Thankfully I no longer do the EMT gig.
Now I have this diagnosis, and I am every day seeing more and more truth in it. I carry anger and frustration under a thin verneir of control, and when I hear of an accident or death, I get angry and go into a state of extreme frustration that lasts till it's over. Now I know why, and I no longer blame all of the other frustrations we all face or my supposed lack of ability to cope with them. I know now that I am coping with the built up stress of my own accidents, all the accident scenes I was on as an EMT, all the death and blood and altered lives caused by all the inept, irresponsible, inebriated or just plain selfishly careless drivers in the world.
Tonight I got a call from my daughter. She was in an accident and crying and all I really got from her was that she was OK and where she was parked. I got there as soon as I could, it was in the next county, and I was calm and helpful and had her in a better way in no time. I asked her if she had exchanged info and all the other things you have to do in the states at an accidengt scene, she had, I helped her remove the parts of her car that were going to fall off and test drove it in a parking lot to be sure she was safe and then followed her home where her roomates were waiting to offer their support. She is fine, a little shook up, but fine. No blood, no bruises, just scared and angry because it was totally not her fault, it was caused by the other driver not turning left in a turn only lane, while my daughter turned left in the second left turn lane. the other driver hit her in the front bumper and spun her, luckily it wasn't in the driver door, she would have been seriously injured.
So she is fine and I am sitting here typing my story to you, because my therapist is home for the weekend, my wife is at work and I don't want to call and scare her needlessly while at work. I need to talk this out, because I am feeling the adrenaline and anger and frustration of a thousand bloody screaming accident scenes, I am remembering the feeling of being in shock and totally reliant on the health care system to save me, I am remembering all the accident victims I watched turn into corpses, I am remembering the drunks that sat in the back of the police car looking numb while we tried to save their victims from death. I remember watching an EMT place a dead infant in the arms of it's dead mother.
Someone took a careless, ignorant, inept swipe at my daughter and she survived it fine and is at home with friends right now, and I am sitting here typing thinking I have tonight, tomorrow and the next day to clear my mind so I can do my job and wondering if I will be able to. Hell, I know I can't. I will spend this weekend full of adrenalin, I won't sleep tonight, I will be so frustrated by the smallest thing that there is a 100% chance I will end up arguing with my wife over something, and when I get to work again, I will be unable to concentrate.
At least this time I have a diagnosis and know what is really happening. What is really happening is PTSD and it sucks. My headache is getting worse by the minute, my neck is getting stiff, my jaw is clenched, my thoughts are racing and obsessive, and I have already found 20 different reasons that I am at least at part to blame for this and what I want to do so that this won't happen again, and on and on.
Done now. Therapeutic internet posting, what a world we live in. thanks for reading if you did. thanks.
