Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[Nicolette]

I'm not ashamed to say I didn't understand what happened with my ex straight after I felt this "change" in him, cause there was this feeling of something wrong, but it was kind of "diffuse".

Though it didn't take me a long time to leave when I started feeling unhappy, and I can feel it's what matters in the end. That you don't forget yourself and you respect yourself as you should.

I think this is part of what is being said as well.....If you know something is not right and you feel miserable and you are being treated badly put yourself first and dont say to yourself "it must be the PTSD and that's an illness so I'll hang around and wait it out"

To be totally honest, I still don't understand PTSD. I however do have enough self respect and esteem to know that no matter what illness a person tells me they have it does not give them the right to treat me badly full stop. I have only myself to blame if I hang around and get mistreated.

I know I sound harsh, blunt and direct but I really want some people to try and get what I am saying. By no means am I saying you walk out the door the minute the smallest thing goes pear shaped nor am I saying that you shouldn't give yourself time to work it out either. But please, for your own well being, put yourself somewhere safe if you are being abused and more importantly do not believe this illness of PTSD is a reason for you to drop your boundaries and excuse what you wouldn't normally accept.

It also makes perfect sense that some people just can't turn off their emotions like Langdon said. I get that too. I'm not saying turn off your emotions; I am saying your are number one and your first responsibility is to yourself and your well being.

When my finance/boyfriend belted me there was a part of me which still loved him but then I thought back to the time he had the knife in his hand threatening me and I thought shit.... I am messing with my life here and I have to get out. It was the hardest thing to do but at the end of the day I couldn't control him but I could control what I allowed happen to me. I did grieve for the lost relationship (love) and it sucked but I still had my life and I didn't let him screw with me any more. Love can hurt but a broken heart heals...... abuse can torture you for years.... the choice is yours.

 

[linasmom]

Most people can't just shut their emotions off when things take a turn for the worse, so give us a break if we all can't be a 1-minute manager with our personal lives, and make on the spot decisions to stay or leave. It's never that simple.

Hi Langdon (and others),

I just wanted to come back and concur with Nicolette on some of these points. I don't think any of us are saying that a carer needs to be a "1-minute manager" when it comes to your personal lives; that's obviously an unreasonable expectation. And while I admit to my own issues of thinking in all or nothing terms (a symptom of PTSD), I do have many moments of rational thought and understand completely the complexity of relationships and emotions.

I feel that some carers are hanging on to certain statements made in this post, rearranging the sentiments, and focusing on what they perceive to be an attack against their limited knowledge of PTSD. This is not the case. The concern is more about learning from what is on this forum and putting into practice that knowledge. However, if we as members, mods, etc, continually see a pattern of not putting into practice healthy boundaries while week after week those carers post about how they are being treated badly and being abused, then everyone is left feeling like we are simply here to hold a carers hand and warm their heart while they get "beaten down". That is not the reason for this forum.

I'm sure that it is heartbreaking for some here to come to terms with the fact that the relationship that they are in is an abusive one. One in which the carer obviously loves the other person more than the other loves them. I say this out of caring and not to hurt, but to make excuses for another's abusive behavior is simply a tactic to not reveal the truth behind the situation.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Awakening]

To be totally honest, I still don't understand PTSD.

Nicolette, I think it's difficult to understand PTSD in itself. It's even more difficult to understand how PTSD manifests itself in the person you are caring about. Then it's difficult to work out what works for the sufferer.

With a cold it generally affects everyone the same way (assuming the same strain). Sore throat, runny nose, fatigue. And the same solution; bed rest keep your fluids up.

You might be an expert on PTSD, but then you have to become an expert on how it affects your loved one.

You only have to look around this site. Even amongst sufferers there are disagreements on symptoms, attitude, treatment. There are common themes of course.

But there lots of causes for PTSD. Each person has their own unique personality. Their own particular upbringing (I'm sure a PTSD diagnosis is compounded by a negative upbringing), cuurent support & stresses etc etc

But perhaps I'm going off track.

What I was trying to say is that PTSD is a disorder that affects the person. It is not the person. No more then cancer defines a person. Of course cancer is going to affect a person's behaviour from time to time. It would be understandable if a person suffering cancer was short tempered or rude.

But if a cancer sufferer was abusive and then said sorry I was abusive, I'm sorry I slept with someone else - the cancer made me do it?

Well I would hope that I would be saying 'if the cancer is making you do it, until you get help for your abusive behaviour I can't subject myself to it'

The individual is responsible for owning their behaviour (even if PTSD related) and taking the steps to get better. It must be so difficult watching a loved one (I've been on the other side with a relative with bipolar) and the word to sum it up is - helpless. It's an awful feeling of helplessness watching someone you love be in so much pain, but it's not an excuse for them to put you through pain.

Sometimes I even think the word 'carer' implies too much responsibility, and think maybe 'supporter' is better.

 

[neverforget]

The individual is responsible for owning their behaviour (even if PTSD related) and taking the steps to get better. It must be so difficult watching a loved one (I've been on the other side with a relative with bipolar) and the word to sum it up is - helpless. It's an awful feeling of helplessness watching someone you love be in so much pain, but it's not an excuse for them to put you through pain.

That's really the hardest thing about PTSD to me. Helplessness.
Accepting the one you love is not taking the steps to get better, and having this huge feeling of total waste.

When I come here I like to read about sufferers who are starting new therapies, writing about their progress and realisations, it's just great.
I admire them for all the efforts they make. Really positive.

It helped me realise my ex was not willing to improve his situation, and to take the right decision for me.

 

[becvan]

+ Not all sufferers alert their partner about their problem, some never even had therapy ... I guess many of them will maybe never be diagnosed...

Setting boundaries is surely easier when you understand the situation a minimum.

I'm just using this as an example, please don't take this personal.

Does this matter? Do you need to know someone's issues in order to maintain and enforce healthy boundaries? Whether someone knows about PTSD or doesn't have a clue about it, has nothing to do with boundaries.

Healthy people have, keep, and enforce boundaries NO MATTER WHAT. Using PTSD as the excuse for not keeping them or not knowing about PTSD for not keeping them is just that, an excuse.

There is a lot of threads in here about the PTSD person being responsible for their actions and I whole heartedly agree. This thread is highlighting the carer's needs to be responsible for their actions and I whole heartedly agree with that too.

If you are being abused PTSD, lack of knowing about PTSD is no excuse. Abuse is abuse.

I really think the hardest part about abuse is recognizing that it is what it is. It's usually a thing that sneaks into relationships. It's easier to see the signs afterwards then it is during. However, once you figure this out, PTSD is not excuse to put up with it.

bec

 

[Cowgirl]

I can say that my DH made boundary enforcement challenging. His behavior, being so ... not within the realm of normal adult behavior sometimes, made it difficult. You cannot deal with a spouse in the same manner you would deal with a toddler, but honestly, his behavior is on occasion more like that of a toddler than a grown man. Greater understanding of PTSD helped me, personally, to adjust my reactions, my boundary enforcements, to better cope with his PTSD, in a way that did not make the PTSD worse.

 

[neverforget]

You're totally right becvan. Abuse is abuse no matter what.
That's true you can enforce healthy boundaries even if you don't know someone's issues. It's about setting up your own limits.

I find not knowing about your partner issues is difficult though, like, even if your partner is not abusing you and treating you ok, reactions he/she has or things they say can totally puzzle you and you'll never know why and how to respond/adapt to it. Cause you never know if the person is clumsy, or bit insensitive or just not caring (in this case it's clearly plain abuse)... And it can lead to so many misunderstandings and difficulties in communication...

 

[Langdon]

Hi All,

Let me clarify my earlier comments - I would never, ever, encourage anyone to stay in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. That certainly would be wrong!

While it's difficult enough to accept an ill person being abusive, it's always worse to hear of an allegedly "well" person being abusive to people or animals for that matter.

Although folks may sometimes disagree on this site as to the hows and whys and what-to-do's about PTSD, I know the comments are posted with the best of intentions. I am still very grateful that the site exists.

If I could add only one thing on this site, it would be a FAQ, or checklist, or something like that which could give future folks who are in the carer's boat relating to relationships (I like that term "supporter" too!) some guidance such has been put forth in these posts. Maybe it already exists and I've just missed it somehow, but if it doesn't, I think it would be really helpful to have.

 

[Nicolette]

FAQ's

I think there are FAQ's about dealing with someone with PTSD and the likes but nothing on this particular topic.

Perhaps someone could offer some thoughts/ideas and post them here or PM me and I'll see what I can do.

There are some good thoughts in this thread already. I think the question is..........what are your questions Langdon?

FAQ's are that and this topic hasn't been asked nor have there been questions about it; I raised it as the pattern in carers threads was frustrating me.

 

[FightingLily]

I have posted "Should I Stay or Should I Go: A Reality Check" on the carers page. Just a little insight, I hope both sufferers and carers can get something from it.

 

[Nicolette]

A copy of Lily's post has been put in the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread7738.html"]Carers Information Section[/DLMURL] as it is very good. Well done Lily...reputation from me for that one!

 

[Browneyed_Dutchgirl]

Hello everyone,

I am new on this forum. I wrote earlier that I am in a relationship with a Croatian war veteran/special policeman/government's security man.

I just want to say HI and that I agree with Nicolette's words. Because I have experienced over the last 1.5 year (the first 14 months we only communicated by msn/cam, telephone/sms) that it takes two to tango. But now I now that I needed all this time to know what is PTSD and what that would mean for me as well. We had so much bad luck, I could write a book about it. He has been sick, depressed, angry and I myself was close to collapse as well because I made it sometimes worse by my reactions. Only the love for each other has brought us to the point that we really could start and have a beautifull relationship. Never has he been rude to me. But at the time of depression he was someone else! And then he could say things which upset me. Like he was dragging himself further and further into his own past. He had time that he did not reply to my messages for weeks. He talked about being a dinosaur, a looser (he was sent to retirement at the age of 30)

We have been together now two times. One time in Croatia with his family and for three weeks ago he was with me. And it has been perfect (like we deserved it after all the bad luck..). We miss each other every moment of the day.

And I have seen him grow, I have seen him change. For the first time he can look forward and make plans for the summer when I go there again. He gives me so much love and I love him with all my heart. But he really needed time to trust, to feel again and to have faith in us. He knows he can be difficult (well, I can be as well) but he needed to have the feeling that I would understand why he is the man he had become. And now he has said to me that he feels so safe and at peace with him self (when we are together he always sleeps, he hardly sleeps in Croatia).

Love can make a difference. But the love must be equal on both sides. I would have lost him and he would have lost me if we had not this strong bond.

I know there will be bad times and I hope that everytime he has a bad time that I can cope with it better that the last time (I am still learning).

Just to let you know that someone with PTSD has not lost his capacity to love, but for that he needs to feel safe and trust. But don't we all?