Andress, Hi and welcome to the Forum. This thread has really brought up some issues with me. I have been in counseling a few times. As a kid, and adolescent, and with my PTSD therapy last year. Every time I have been in therapy it has been sugested to me that I have supressed memories. When asked about my childhood there is little I can remember. I do remember a handful of abusive times and in general no money, lots of fighting, my mother always being sick, and my dad always being angry. But my main memories are of me and my brother who is a year younger than me. We were thick as thieves growing up and so when I think of my childhood I always have happy thoughts cause I automatically think of him.
It is only through further questioning and searching that I feel the bad memories. And what I mean by feel is that even though I have bad memories of my childhood (getting beaten with a belt till I bruised, my parents beating each other up, constantly being yelled at and called names, etc.) I have no feelings about them. I dont feel anything when I recall them. Not even resentment or disapointment. Almost as if Im recalling the events in a movie I saw. I never really knew why this was, but overall I have very few memories.
I do however remember as an adolescent not wanting to be touched. I hated it. It was not untill half way through high school that I would not try to punch someone if they touched me. I never really looked into it, but 2 different therapists were convinced it was from sexual abuse. Of course I denied it. I have no memory of such things and was disgusted someone would make thos assumptions.
Until my latest spychologist informed me that I had supressed memories I thought nothing of it. Still not convinced, but slightly interested I went to my grandmothers and started watching old home videos. It seems that at a very young age I was incredibly free spirited and loving. Huging everyone and lauging... finding my way in front of the camera any way possible. My never ending mouth flapping away. These tapes were consistent till one taken at about the age of 9 or 10. It was a Christmas tape. Normally my favorite time of the year, I could barely find myself in this tape. The tape showed that I shyed away from the camera, sat in the corner by myself, and aggressively pushed anyone away who touched me. My voice was never heard in this entire tape. How akward I thought.
I have no memory of this time and have no idea what caused the change in my behavior, for the following tapes were consistent with this new behavior. Amazing, I thought. Absolutely amazing. I was slightly intrigued, as if I wasnt even watching myself on camera. Like I was studying someone else completely. Thats how disconected with my inner child I am. I have no feelings or emotions or even thoughts associated with my childhood. Little memory and very little concern. Although I find this incredibly interesting I have no desire to find those hidden memories and associate a feeling with them. I personally have enough craziness to deal with in my adult life to be digging up things my brain buried for a reason.
Im sorry if my post seems impersonal. Its just that the subject of your thread interested me. Im so glad you are feeling at home here though. You might find that Im just a little disconected from many feelings. Anger seems to be the only emotion that I can convey. I think that for people who are feeling the affects of their childhood, whether they remember them or not, should be able to asess what exactly is bothering them in order to be able to deal with it appropriately... so I wish you luck in your journey. We will be here along the way if you need us.:smoking:
