Sufferer Ptsd, Yes. Need Help Finding The Source Of It.

[seekingsource]

There is a pattern in my life of circumstances that trigger PTSD reaction(s). I am seeking the traumatic source of those reactions. Current legal circumstances are forcing me to find that source, versus just getting through it and trying to forget my humiliation as I have in the past. The difficulty in finding the source is, I believe, due to so much memory loss.

Conditions under which I revert to what I describe as child-like behavior when terrified or am unable to speak or process due to nerves taking over and brain exiting: Judgmental Doctor's offices and Police departments and personnel, Teachers that single me out for unwarranted criticism (working on it), guns (have been desensitizing somewhat successfully to this one,) accusations of wrongdoing/lying where none have taken place (current legal dilemma), discovering a covert betrayal, etc.

I can identify traumatic events from childhood involving living in fear of doing wrong, but I cannot pinpoint what is destabilizing me at this time in my life. I know that my step-father was a bully and psychopathic at times and my mother had narcissistic personality disorder. He is dead. She is alive. I have had no contact for twenty years. But, I did recently have the second, ever, violent dream about my mother.

Sorry. This is more than an introduction. I just don't know how to help myself this time. I have been holed up in my home for 37 days now, give or take a very few short trips to bank, mailbox, etc.

How do you find the source of your PTSD when you can't find the memory?

 

[BigBear]

Seeking Source,

It is a great start. Do not worry about being too much for someone here. Each of us has had to learn to be responsible for our selves. You are only not allowed to directly attempt to harm others. Telling us what you feel and what you are will never be that.

Going into detail is obviously best done in a trauma diary.

Don't worry! We will be here for you!

Bear

 

[Deleted member 1860]

At first glance, being a child under the care of a psychopathic bully would be traumatic in itself, no?

I caution you to not force memories. This can cause issues in and of itself. Your mind (may) release more to you as it seems fit.

I wonder if you're looking for that "big bang" moment of trauma. Perhaps you don't have one? 24/7 living in such conditions can have a profound effect. Maybe there is no ONE defining moment. Perhaps, for you, it's more of a culmination of events over years.

I also caution you that there is oftentimes not a straight line between trauma and present day effects. I have horrible issues with water, a phobia of sorts where I hyperventilate. I don't have many nightmares, bur drowning is a common theme when I do have them. None of my trauma is in any way related to water.

Anyway, these are just my initial thoughts.

And, welcome to the forum!!

Hugs,
SOL

 

[seekingsource]

Thanks, SOL, Bear;

In my distress, I had forgotten that it is likely not a single event. And, it did take decades for me to open my eyes to the reality of my situation, and that process is still going on.

I may still do the trauma diary, which I looked at here, and it is a nice protocol. I have talked about and written about what life was like with them, and it felt helpful, but I may try again with the diary format which is more structured than what I have done in the past. I have also never put it all together before.

I am at a point in my life where if there is something to remember that will help me, I am ready to face it. I know it won't be pretty at first, but anything is better than what is happening to me now.

One thing that happened a little over a year ago that surprised me: As I mentioned, I went no-contact with family around 20 years ago. I don't even live in the same state nor do I visit the state I was born in. So my reactions, overwhelming relief and tremendous joy, came as quite a surprise to me when I learned that my step-father had died. I am not proud of it, but I let myself experience this incredible lightness which lasted for three days.

I was not aware that I was still in fear of a man I knew I would never have to see again. That experience makes me wonder: What am I still in fear of that I am not aware of?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Seekingsource!

I can't help you with the legal aspect for your need to find a source. However, I definitely do understand what you are describing. It sounds like complex trauma or developmental trauma, as my therapist calls it.

You have found a diagnosis (the most important first step) and now you need to process your trauma history or in some other way be able to explore your memories in therapy. Multiple traumas can definitely be the source of PTSD.

I hope this helps somewhat.