Purposefully trigger yourself?

[WishfulThinking123]

Does anyone ever feel like trying to purposefully trigger yourself to "shock" your system out of emotional numbness? I feel crazy like almost like I weirdly "miss" the depression-I mean of course I don't want to be depressed that's horrible but, on the other hand I hate not feeling anything and thinking of everything in logical terms without any emotions. I have been in this state since Thursday and I find myself today wanting to Watch 13 Reasons Why to try to trigger myself...this show has been triggering in the past. Does anyone else find themselves thinking this? Can anyone relate? Does it help or make things worse?

 

[Sideways]

I can definitely relate to getting frustrated with the numbness. But my approach would be more to try and bring out some feelings that I might enjoy, rather than feelings that are going to bring me down.

Often I'll just do something simple, like take my dog to the park, and really knuckly down on the mindfulness - trying to notice myself get caught up in enjoying those moments with my dog.

When the numbness is in full swing, those positive feelings can be pretty transient. But at least when it comes to the end of the day, I can look back and know that I wasn't actually completely numb for the last 12 hours - that there was a period (albeit brief) where I did actually feel something.

That way, I'm also building new strategies for my mind to use, rather than reinforcing the "my life is always about the depression".

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Ragdoll Circus Thank You for the advice! That makes so much sense.

 

[Justmehere]

I do this, but usually in a counterphobic way. Numb feels out of control to me, and I rather feel something than nothing... and usually behind the numbness is fear anyway... so I will run towards what I'm scared of to face it but on my terms, sort of. People who are adrenaline junkies will sometimes do the same.

 

[acoa82]

I do something like this but for another reason. For me it's like escape. I have complex ptsd. People like me lived in domestic violence, it has become normal for us. This is the world in which I learned to live and exist. So the outside world is strange to me. I have to learn. Is slow process but same time painful and confusing. I used to think that maybe I am addicted to adrenaline rush, but that is not the truth. Well maybe a little bit. But I think it has something to do with escape from confusing reality to the reality I know very well. Despite the fact that this reality is even more unconfortable. Triggering myself is really terrible. But it is reality I know. It seems like in hard times when I feel lost and confuse I have to remind me the past, all those horrific events.
But anyway, I have to stop this nonsense because after this I always feel pressure in the head and mentally more unhealthy. And it's very exhausting.

I know it all sounds very odd.

 

[Sideways]

I know it all sounds very odd.

Nope, it doesn't. If I had a dollar for every time I justified being in an abusive relationship by saying, "But this makes sense to me, it's what I know", I'd be a hella rich chickadee by now.

The biggest problem with that was it was patently very unsafe. But easily the second biggest problem? Each time I retreated back to abusive because it was familiar (and there's a feeling of safety in that), I was unintentionally reinforcing the belief that this was how it should be for me, that it was okay for people to treat me that way.

Getting our brain to learn "I deserve better", means introducing new patterns of behaviour. And it's uncomfortable (and frankly, exhausting) to continually be out of our element. But we won't teach our brainnew ways of seeing ourselves, others and the world, until we consistently start feeding it different, better experiences.

If I was used to writing with my left hand, but wanted to learn how to be a right-handed person, I would need to stick with the awkward and uncomfortable new way of using my right hand. It takes time, and it's easier to just switch the pen back to your left hand, but the only way we really start to become comfortable with using a different hand is by sticking with it.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I have a history of abusive relationships as well- being in the "narc" game I've discovered is the only way of existing for me. Like I don't know how to do a relationship outside of this- if someone tries to actually care for me- I'm super actually hesitant and it feels so uncomfortable! I am much more comfortable being closed off emotionally and just worrying about how to pacify/soothe the other and constantly worry about their needs. Which is kind of messed up...