Pursuing A Relationship With A Long Time Friend With Combat Ptsd

[Mizz Bakesalott]

My vet is a long lost friend from high school. My first boyfriend, my first kiss. When I started high school in 1998, as the "new kid", he was the first person I developed a strong friendship with and we started dating. I was a young lil' chick and got scared and ending up breaking his heart, but we remained best friends. Well, senior year rolled around and he started dating someone new. We decided it was best to not hang out anymore because it would complicate his new relationship. After that, we lost touch. I remember regretting it ever since and have always loved him. He is such a caring and giving person and sometimes I wonder if the PTSD is taking that away. We moved on with our lives, both of us in multiple failed relationships. Also, we were both engaged to someone at one point and had our hearts destroyed. But, even though we had our hearts broken, we realized that it was a good thing those relationships ended because they wouldn't have lasted. Well, we are both 31 yrs old now. I reconnected with him about 7 months ago now. Super ecstatic to rekindle a friendship with the sweetest guy I ever knew, I found out he has combat PTSD. He is no longer in the military, even though they tried to get him to reenlist. We talk everyday and hang out frequently....just like we picked up where we left off. I think the world of him and vice versa. I've been reading books and articles on PTSD trying to search for answers.....as I have developed strong feelings for him and he has feelings for me. Even though we have these feelings, he said he is "broken" and doesn't want a relationship and doesn't expect me to wait around for him to change. Along with the PTSD, he said he's done with relationships because he has been hurt too many times. He said it could take his entire life to fix himself, but only time will tell. He enjoys my company and tells me things he doesn't tell anyone else and says he feels comfort when I'm around. I sit and listen to him and offer advice, if he wants it. Even though we aren't officially "dating"....our actions would say otherwise. I don't know where to go from here and my heart is hurting for both of us. He has made tremendous improvement in the past 7 months and keeps trying so hard. He still sees a therapist and says he has gone through multiple treatments. He is trying to better himself and plans on going back to school to be a therapist for the VA, in the future. We both like each other a lot and I'm afraid I'm already falling in love with him, but the PTSD and past failed relationships stand in the way. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Should I stick around and be patient, even though it may be years or never? Does everyone heal from PTSD and is able to form a happy and healthy relationship with someone? And is it really possible, for someone with PTSD, to control their feelings and shut them off so they can't fall in love with someone?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Does everyone heal from PTSD? Nope. Some of us never heal. Those who do heal still have to watch stress levels and engage in self-care above and beyond a normal non-PTSD person as there is an increased risk for a resurgence of symptoms if we get triggered or stressed in the future.

Are we all able to form happy and healthy relationships? Again, nope. But then again, many non-PTSD people never form happy and healthy relationships! (Gotta be fair here.)

Are we able to control our feelings so we can't fall in love? I think that perhaps you misunderstand this concept. Its not that we're sitting here telling our feelings to go away. Well, not really. We get stressed and oftentimes shut down. In these shut down periods we can go completely numb. Relationships.....ALL relationships (even the very best of the best) bring on stress. Its simply inevitable. (I say this as many people don't understand that even a great relationship can stress us out, overfill our stress cups, and cause a shutdown.) So relationships bring stress, and we don't want that stress, so we avoid relationships. (Well, many of us do.)

Should you stick around and be patient? Well, that is always an option. I wouldn't stick around forever, rather give him a chance to grow and give your relationship a chance to grow. If things aren't progressing and meeting YOUR needs, then perhaps reevaluate the relationship in the future. (Your needs are important, too.) Then again, his words that he is "done with relationships" shouldn't be totally ignored as its possible that its not just the PTSD talking and that he's serious, that he doesn't want to get involved again.

So if you're willing to stick it out and see what happens, then I say give it a chance. If you can accept that PTSD isn't something we all heal from and that this may be a lifelong struggle for him, then I say give it a chance. Good luck!

 

[Friday]

Should I stick around and be patient, even though it may be years or never? Does everyone heal from PTSD and is able to form a happy and healthy relationship with someone? And is it really possible, for someone with PTSD, to control their feelings and shut them off so they can't fall in love with someone?

Does everyone heal? Nope. It's a life long thing. Cyclic, with good & bad times even if you work your ass off.

Is it really possible for someone with PTSD to shut their emotions off? Absolutely. You have it a little backwards, we don't control their shutoff, they get stuck off. Getting them turned on is the difficult part, and controlling them once they're on is even harder. For many of us all we can feel is anger... Every emotion turns into anger... For years. If we manage to feel anything at all.

There is also a tendency, especially military, in not wanting to waste our time -or anyone else's- with bullshit. He's telling you he's not ready for a relationship. Listen to that. He's being honest. Doesn't mean you can't be friends. In fact, I'd encourage it. But don't push him for more, or think he's playing games. This is an exceptionally difficult and painful thing, especially when new. Which is generally the first 5 years for so.

Some reading for you :
Understanding PTSD
Link Removed

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

Killing Is Not What Messes With Your Head

 

[joeylittle]

We talk everyday and hang out frequently....just like we picked up where we left off. I think the world of him and vice versa. I've been reading books and articles on PTSD trying to search for answers.....as I have developed strong feelings for him and he has feelings for me.

This is a lovely thing.

I want to point out that although it seems like you picked up where you left off, you did not - because you are both different people now than you were then. Sometimes there can be a misleading sense of security or familiarity, a kind of "security blanket" feeling when you reconnect with someone who prompts a lot of nostalgia.

It doesn't sound like he is ready to be dating someone right now, and you are. Either you can put the dating impulse aside and really let your friendship continue to deepen and grow, and just let time take its course, or you aren't able to separate your romantic thoughts from your friendship thoughts, and you'd be better off getting some space for yourself until you can.

But I'd encourage you to stop trying to project the beginnings of a romantic relationship onto what right now could simply sustain itself as a beautiful and important friendship. I guess, in other words, just take the pressure off.

I've ridden through a few things like this in my life, where I was feeling a "click" and for whatever reason, it was not the right time. You really can make a choice to want the warmth of friendship instead of the tingles of relationship - and after not too long, those initial "relationship" endorphins will pass. It doesn't mean you won't have one. But you will no longer hang all your attention on "will it or won't it turn?"

 

[illusionist]

I agree with everything that is said here. I am in a long term, happy, thriving and contented relationship and want to be with him for life...the majority of the time. I can go for months feeling like this then suddenly I feel nothing...don't want him, need him, admire him....absolutely nothing, I turn into myself. My partner came home from work one day, I was packed and gone..he had no idea at all what I was going through mentally before I fled for safety..from what??..my deep love I have for him..and all the emotions that comes from that. So yes I allowed myself to love and be loved but I know it is a fight I will have within myself for the rest of my life..but I'm willing to battle with it now, when I need to.

 

[Mizz Bakesalott]

SOLARA....it breaks my heart to hear that some people never heal or can form happy and healthy relationships. I know that for the rest of his life, he will have PTSD issues. His therapist told him he will never be the person he once was, which really was hard news for him to hear, BUT they said he is in control on how he gets help and manages it. He has always been a very strong person and I hope he continues on the path he's on. Thanks for being so honest.

I know I shouldn't stick around forever, but it's good to know that I'm comforting to him and I can lend an ear when he needs to vent. I'm just going to take one day at a time and see where things go. I enjoy his company, as he enjoys mine. I shouldn't sit and think too much into it. It just got confusing when...even though he isn't pursing any relationship....maybe never....but the way we are when we are with each other, you would think we are in a relationship. It's not me pursuing more than a friendship, he acts this way too. He told me once, "Lets not put a 'label' on anything. I like the way things are going right now, so lets just see where things go". As.....I like where things are right now too, but can't help to wonder if there will ever be a "label" on it. I just remain positive and try to enjoy life one day at a time. I've regretted losing touch with him and thought about him all the time, for years. Now that we are back in touch, I don't want to lose that.

JOEYLITTLE....I agree with you about the nostalgia thing. I do feel a comfort when thinking back on the younger days. I know everyone changes, however, I still have the same personality and morals. I'm the same person deep inside, just older and wiser. I agree with growing a strong friendship. We both have romantic feelings for each other, but this would be the best advice. Thanks.

 

[Mizz Bakesalott]

I agree with everything that is said here. I am in a long term, happy, thriving and contented relationship and want to be with him for life...the majority of the time. I can go for months feeling like this then suddenly I feel nothing...don't want him, need him, admire him....absolutely nothing, I turn into myself. My partner came home from work one day, I was packed and gone..he had no idea at all what I was going through mentally before I fled for safety..from what??..my deep love I have for him..and all the emotions that comes from that. So yes I allowed myself to love and be loved but I know it is a fight I will have within myself for the rest of my life..but I'm willing to battle with it now, when I need to.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, but glad that you have a loving relationship. At least you come to realize it and I'm sure he knows you are trying your best and will always have some struggles along the way. Both of you are really strong people. He must love you very much! Thanks for responding and I wish you both the best of luck! Stay strong!

 

[illusionist]

Thank you Mizz Bakesalott. Regarding allowing or not allowing ourselves to fall in love? I believe it's something we all, as humans , have control over. Even people with no major issues choose if and with whom they fall in love with. We sufferers may have barriers up but if we do fall in love it is because we want to and with whom we choose to...the same as anyone else imo.

 

[Nico]

Hi @Mizz Bakesalott . Your story is sort of similar to mine and I'll share my viewpoint as an outsider. My guy is also diagnosed with combat PTSD and I never saw that side of him until what I am going through right now. I've been shut out and he's isolated himself entirely from me. Let me tell you how much pain I have been in...to the point that I felt like I was losing my mind. To me, it sounds like you haven't experienced that yet with him. However you are better prepared since you've discussed his PTSD and he has come out and told you he's "broken." He was also upfront in saying that he doesn't think he can be in a relationship. I don't know if that's PTSD talking or how he sincerely feels. I'm a super sensitive person, so I'd probably take that to heart, but it wouldn't stop me from talking to him to understand if you can work together and make something happen. If you truly love him and feel in your gut that he is the one for you, then you slow things down and be his friend right now. Maybe take sex off the table for now? That might shed some light if he's in it for a casual relationship or not. I know it's hard because it sounds like you really do love him. I wouldn't go running and put up a dating profile, but if he's told you he can't be in a relationship and you are ready for one, then maybe try going on a date. Talk to him about it though and be completely honest about your feelings. If he needs time, don't put a time limit on him. All relationships take time and some more than others. Emotions are tough for everyone and I don't have PTSD, so I can't imagine what it's like when that gets triggered. I wish you luck. It is very hard at times, but as you'll see on here, there are many folks who are in relationships and are married that have PTSD.

 

[Mizz Bakesalott]

Hello @Nico and thank you so much for your response. Since you are dealing with a similar situation, I felt you understood me. Your advice was what I needed. With that said, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. No words can express how sorry I am. Just like you, I am also a very sensitive person.
The whole "not wanting a relationship" thing is very confusing to me. He has been out of the military for about 3 years now. He had a girlfriend while in the military (he was mostly deployed) and they had a relationship when he got out. He didn't love her and were a horrible match and eventually broke up. She came crawling back twice, and he felt bad, so he gave it another shot. Then, of course, they broke up for good. After that, he dated other girls and said "I'm 30. I need to find me a nice girl who will actually stay". So....he dated another woman for 4 months. They hit it off really well...to the point that she thought she was already falling in love with him when they met. Well...she suddenly stops responding to calls and texts him, "this just isn't going to work out". He's totally confused by this....as he was developing a lot of feelings for her too. Supposively she had surgery done and thought she wouldn't make it through and broke it off to spare the pain. After that relationship ended, he said "I'm done, that's it. No more relationships. Time to focus on just myself". Which, taking time to focus on himself is great, but when it's to the fact that he thinks he may NEVER have a relationship....that's sad. And I'm curious if it's just failed relationships or the PTSD or both. I've been in the worst relationships myself and cheated on 3 different times, but I still try. So, if PTSD isn't to blame for that one...that just stinks. Part of living is to have someone to share your life with. He always says he envys married couples and people who have kids. Two things he said he will never have. I do love him and agree with taking everything off the table and building the friendship. I want to have someone, but have put off dating for awhile. Right now wouldn't be a good time to date someone else. It wouldn't be fair to the person if I have my mind constantly set on someone else. We are open and honest with each other. One quality I always liked about him. He wouldn't hide anything, he would tell you straight up. I wish you the best of luck also and I hold hope that anyone can be happy if they work at it and help themselves.

 

[Nico]

So it sounds like he's dealing with some trust issues and fear. He's allowing his past failed relationships to interfere with his present. That even happens with people non PTSD. I'm like you too..."always try," even after a failed relationship. It is true that women bounce back faster than men, so I guess that's why we put ourselves back out there.

Isolation sucks and more so if the sufferer isn't seeking help. If they aren't, it is my understanding they don't know exactly how we on the other side are feeling. How could they? They chose to shut us out. I view my situation as this; he returned from deployment and the only stressor he could control in his life was me, so he shut me out. BTW - he and I go back almost 20 years.

 

[illusionist]

It is not as simple as allowing his past relationships to interfere with his present. The relationship in itself causes a lot of fears etc as already explained. Then when a relationship ends, it's not just getting over that person, it's getting over all the emotions as well of the trauma/ traumas that have been stirred up like a pot of boiling lava. So the person fears going back to that state of mind.
We fully understand what the person on the other side is going through.....which is even more reason, in our eyes, to stay out of relationships so as not to put others through pain.