Push Pull Relationships/ clingy to aloof

[Strangelongtrip]

Something I've noticed a lot with my relationships, especially if I'm interested in someone romantically, is that I will get really anxious and clingy at first, and I used to just continue that way and eventually wear people out. Then, I decided, okay, I'll see when I'm being clingy and needy and then I'll play aloof so they don't think I'm "crazy" and "needy". This results in people losing interest because I'm putting off the energy that I don't want to talk to them, when I'm just trying to remove my need for their validation. Then they'll either leave or I'll get clingy again.

I've been diagnosed BPD, but I no longer meet the qualifications. I feel these emotions but no longer act on them. I'm doing a lot of reading on anxious attachment styles and how to resolve their bad habits. I can observe myself about to do these things and then not do them. I pause before I react. But I'm still feeling like I may slip back into them, and my anxiety has been so bad lately I feel like I'm seriously coming off as needy or annoying to people around me because I'm reaching out for validation and comfort. I don't want to be a burden.

Does anyone have any tips, or how do you deal with the push/pull in you? Thank you!

 

[dcb2410]

this is my view. As someone who has lived through some stuff and also been in a relationship with someone living with BPD and someone with PTSD. I have lived through the other side of the push pull behaviour. My ex partner with BPD had suffered childhood sexual abuse. A horror I could not imagine. My ex partner who has lived with ptsd has had a serious of seriously traumatic experiences in her adult life. the push pull experience when I thought I was in a loving relationship, which also came with infidelity, was life shattering for me. But at the same time I know that living with that experience as someone with ptsd or BPD is not any easier. I weep that I lost the gorgeous person inside and out (my most recent partner) from my life. Yes there are people with BPD and PTSD or depression or anxiety who find themselves in a relationship with someone not good for themselves. And then there are people who push away people who genuinely care, who have genuine empathy, who have a genuine intent to seek to understand who feel like they hit brick walls. I can only speak for myself in saying that if communication about triggers had been as open as all the texts, emails etc about undying love had been well I might have been more able to understand.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @dcb2410 for your openness. One thing I could never do is cheat. I’ve been on the other end and anytime I feel close to doing something like that I stop myself immediately. I won’t even talk to other people who see me romantically while I’m in a relationship. I feel guilty just talking to more than one person, no commitment or anything.

That being said I think I’m at a point I could communicate the triggers in a way that’s not offensive. But at the end of the day I feel like they are my responsibility, which is why I withdraw in the first place. I haven’t done it yet, I might be over it. But communication could save it all!!

 

[dcb2410]

I’d give that communication a go. Don’t underestimate how hard it must be at times.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I was doing really well with this! Like over two weeks I was okay. Today I felt suddenly very insecure despite all signs pointing in the opposite direction, towards someone liking me. This evening I had what I call a BPD wave. Suddenly very angry and certain this person was going to abandon me. I'm trying to focus on my other hobbies and fun things to do but I couldn't I was a nervous wreck all day. Then a few minutes ago I felt a wave of rage. I worked through it and got on the other side, but now I feel like I shouldn't subject someone to my emotions and feelings. I feel like I should just ignore or like play aloof or push this person away now. I'm not going to but ugh, I feel like a terrible human being for getting close to someone when I have these rage spells. I didn't act on them or anything but like what if I was around someone during that? I can't do this to someone. And they like me. I think I'll feel differently tomorrow but right now I just want to cry.

 

[lee23]

It helps to communicate with your partners about what you are going through, so that they are better able to understand you, and so they know you are not being deliberately manipulative. If they care about you they will understand that sometimes you may need some extra reassurance, and won't have a problem with giving that to you. Opening the line of communication also gives them the opportunity to be honest with you about their needs as well, and to let you know when they need more space, or would like more affection. Everybody has insecurities whether or not they have a mental illness, and being sensitive to each others' creates true intimacy and vulnerability in a relationship.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @lee23 that makes a lot of sense! I'll keep working on it, things are escalating more quickly but I'm starting to feel comfortable sharing more, which is good too. I thought things were going to go slower but honestly, this feels good too bc there's boundaries.

 

[Deanna]

You're trying to predict what to do with all your moves, so, so-and-so won't be into who you really are. Just take a minute to refocus like you've been doing. Good job!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I had a bad moment with it today. Sort of edged into conversation about about it and felt rejected. I feel like if I tell them the truth about me they won't like me. I didn't respond to the message I felt rejected in.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Having another bad day with it. I'm such a loser and I know my friends are sick of my mood swings, and I have to hide those from them or they'll hate me too. I'm not as cool or funny or interesting or talented as them and I just want to cancel my trip and forget it ever happened because I'm a loser and I don't deserve these things. No one ever wants me unless they can use me. That's all I'm good for I can't subject people to me I need to get away from everyone I can't believe I thought something like this would work. I'm broken and that's all I'll ever be.

I'm probably going to relapse again I've been fighting the urge for DAYS and I don't know how much longer I can fight it. I keep saying I'm better but I'm not it's a lie I'm lying to everyone.

 

[Deanna]

I'm probably going to relapse again I've been fighting the urge for DAYS and I don't know how much longer I can fight it. I keep saying I'm better but I'm not it's a lie I'm lying to everyone.

You're better for not doing it. You're giving in to an emotion of fear! Quit obsessing with an outcome that you have put in your head. Deep breaths!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I just have to punish myself for being this way somehow. I can't be this way. I'm trying to take away stuff from me like I can't talk to my friends anymore so I stop being this way.