Relationship Pushing boundaries

[zombycat]

Jellyfish, you are not responsible for his behavior. There is a saying that I taught my kids when they were younger:

Poor circumstances do not excuse poor behavior.

Abuse from trauma sufferers falls heavily into this category. Yes, bad things happened to us. Yes it marked us, changed us and sent us down a difficult path in life that most people never experience. But no way in hell does it give us a blank check to do or say whatever the hell we want.

You're suffering in this relationship. We can all see it and we're all concerned about you. If he has no desire to change how he behaves, this will not stop. Ever. You can't love him enough to make him better.

 

[Friday]

. I guess I'm having difficulty knowing where my boundaries are.

That’s usually when they’ve been moved.

When what you would once have done, no longer applies, because it’s not longer what you do.

This can be a good thing, or a bad thing, or a neutral thing.

It is, however, hallmark of abuse. The frog boiling in water. That would be on the bad side of the scale.

I think this is my fault. I've always been very dependent on him. (1) I was very undecisive and I let him make all the desicions. (2) That has made him into a dictator. (3) Now that I'm reclaiming my voice, he takes it out on my closest supporter.

(Numbers added by me)

1. The first part -bolded- is super easy to own.

I’m naturally submissive as hell, and very much prefer to be with super bossy, highly opinionated people, who are more than a touch on the control freak spectrum ;) That’s my happy. Ain’t nothing wrong with it. Just personal preference. >>> It also dovetails quite nicely with people who prefer the opposite. Leaders & Followers compliment each other.

Whether that’s who you are, naturally, or just a place you were in at that point of your life... yep. It’s very much going to affect who is attracted to you. People who like to make all the decisions tend to be attracted to people who let them make all the decisions. Whether it’s because it’s what they like (like me), or again, just because that’s a place where you were at, but not your baseline. So there’s some ownership there, and some give and take.

2. The second part? ... It doesn’t MAKE the other person who they are, being who you are, or were.

Because of the kind of person I am, and the kind of man I prefer, it puts me very much “at risk” (ie on the bade side of the spectof dating dictators at best, abusers at worst. I’ve dated dozens of men who fall into the super alpha male type. Out of all of them, only TWO were abusive. A few were assholes. Most were damn fine men. We could be together because of our personality types and preferences, but we didn’t make the other person into who they were. That’s on them. You can’t own it. It’s theirs.

3. The last part? ...No f*cking way in hell is that kosher, much less on you. Punishing you, by hurting the people you love is absof*ckinglutely not okay, not your fault, not to be tolerated.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

I just read about Alexythimia, the inability to understand the emotions of others.

Do any of you relate? Have you seen this complete absence of empathy/emotion in your spouse(or yourself)?

Alot of the time the relationship feels robotic. Aside from his tantrums.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you seen this complete absence of empathy/emotion in your spouse(or yourself)?

Nope. I have a huge amount of empathy and have an amazing ability to put myself in other's shoes. When I am exploding, however, I loose all rational thought. I loose rational thought when triggered, when I disocciate, when I have flashbacks. Really many times I loose the ability to have any sort of rational thought. Empathy and putting yourself in other's shoes and really understanding how others feel or how they could feel given a senario a situation, requires rational thought for me and when I loose rational thought I loose the ability to understand how others feel and empathy as it requires something I don't have at that moment. But, just because I lost it in that moment thus cannot have empathy in that moment doesn't mean I don't have it in general. Does that make any sense?