Putting on “work” clothes

[willhealeventually]

I am writing on here because I need someone to talk to but have no one to call or sit with in person. Thank you for listening...
I have been diagnosed with ptsd and in treatment (although my T has been away for over a month now - I’m waiting for her to get back at the end of August).
I started my new job a weeks and a half ago. This is after a 2-month medical leave and intensive counseling. Today I left work in a panic.
This is the second time I’ve scheduled something for the wrong date and had to fix it. My boss never gets that wrong and the 2nd offense made her mad. It made me mad too. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe my brain is not what it used to be after ECT.
My boss sits next to me in an open seating environment and told me she is feeling more tired now working with another person (meaning me). Great - I make her tired.
I am trying my hardest but I don’t yet have it down “what clothes to wear to work” - meaning how to talk and act. I can’t be me because “me” is not this calm, poised professional my work wants to see. I am out of practice. I just transitioned from teaching back into the corporate world and feel rusty at acting “corporate.” I act more like a happy dog when it sees its owner.
I feel like I don’t know if I can get back in the game. I hope I can because me and kids need me to make money. Bit it’s stressful to be switching careers. Maybe I was telling myself I can’t afford to be stressed, but I really am.
I am afraid inside. I am panicked. I don’t want to fail.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @willhealeventually and congrats on returning to work and giving it a red hot go! :)

I just want to say I read your post and I really do feel for what you are experiencing right now. My attempts at returning to work places after sick leave were always terribly stressful and I've no doubt that not only is your mind flipping out at trying to do the job and fit in, your body is also sabotaging you because it is a incredibly stressful event you are going through.

I am afraid inside. I am panicked. I don’t want to fail.

^It's because you are afraid and don't want to fail that you are panicking.

The fear and pressure you are putting on yourself is a double edge sword. It's making you alert but also creating problems.

So I know it's almost impossible to do and I'm sure you hate reading this but please do take the pedal off yourself in terms of expectations and calm down. You will work better if you can.

I need someone to talk to but have no one to call or sit with in person.

That's ok. You know we are here. You know we will listen and sit with you, even if we are anonymous (which might be a good thing in most cases don't you think?) But there are a real lot of us here and most of us have been in exactly your position at some time. So I hope we can help you settle in and sort things out.

Your therapist being away right now is also probably not a great thing. Timing is everything isn't it? But never mind it cannot be fixed so let's concentrate on what can be.

I started my new job a weeks and a half ago.

^Well done you! Now allow yourself some space and time to breathe and have settle in time. One and a half weeks is about seven days... no time at all really is it? You will settle but you must remember to relax too.

My boss never gets that wrong and the 2nd offense made her mad.

^This is a bit of disortion. Your boss is not perfect and I'm sure she has made some major f*ck ups in her day. You are never going to know about them are you. Don't be in awe of her she is only your boss. Respect her of course but she is still a human and therefore in my opinion entirely capable of making mistakes and fallible. No matter how competent she appears.

told me she is feeling more tired now working with another person (meaning me). Great - I make her tired.

^Oh well good on her! ...sarcasm intended.... She too is having to 'adjust' and by the way that's just not a very corporate thing to say to your offsider! She too needs to deal with her tiredness and honestly WHE if you were not sitting next to her, I'm sure somebody else would be making her tired. So, it's not really you... it's her. Let her deal with her tiredness because you are tired too and learning a new job.

meaning how to talk and act. I

^Give yourself some time... you will learn the corporate speak and develop your own style.

I just transitioned from teaching back into the corporate world and feel rusty at acting “corporate.” I act more like a happy dog when it sees its owner.

^You are being self-critical to the extreme. We all do this too. They cannot see how unsettled you are so pretend until you find your way.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with having a happy disposition. I know that's not what you mean but if you do look keen or eager to do this job that's a refreshing and good thing imo.

I feel like I don’t know if I can get back in the game.

^The jitters and fear of failure are to be expected. Allow yourelf to have them but also be quietly confident that you do possess all the necessary skills to perform this job.

I hope I can because me and kids need me to make money.

^Yeah you are loaded up with obligations and that makes settling much harder. Lots of things depend on your success. I get it. But that translates to more pressure. So ease off on that and focus on being in the moment and not the big picture or world wide calamity if you do not succeed.

Again, stress is critical to your success. It makes us work harder, see things that are important and lots of other things.

However over the top stress starts to undo all of it's beneficial aspects.

Even if you do make mistakes, and who doesn't? And yeah, even the same mistake twice isn't a never before happened scenario! Accept it and the keep your mind on the job, not on mistakes.

Fix up your mistakes and put things in place to try not to repeat that mistake. Belting yourself up over it doesn't help. Of course take it seriously but don't go over and over it and see it as some kind of sign that you are not capable. Please don't do that.

Please understand that whilst your boss may get mad about it, that's her madness to deal with. Not yours. Focus on you and keeping yourself regulated and let her manage herself. Give yourself some time to adjust to it all.

Take your breaks and do some breathing exercises. Eat and sleep well especially in these first few weeks as your mind and body adjusts to this new job.

I'm sure you are being much too critical of yourself. You are not alone in doing this as it seems to be a bit of a common problem with people with ptsd. So, to help counter this 'perfectionism' and "abject failure" panic... trait - think of a few things you did well today and give yourself a moment to reflect on how well you are doing in returning to work and managing your ptsd too. :hug:

 

[willhealeventually]

Dear @blackemerald1 thank you so much for writing and responding.... I can’t fully express just how much this made my day!
It’s almost midnight and I still couldn’t sleep (after a panick attack that lasted several hours)... you are so right!
Right down to the fact that my boss did say something unprofessional to me and I didn’t even notice. Instead I internalized it as my problem.
I’ve only been there for 7 days and the person before me quit because the job was too hard...
Right before i read your post, I was thinking “it didn’t take me long to get back to that perfectionism...god i hope I do it differently this time”
You are right - it’s no small thing to come out of sick leave, switch careers, and actually already start doing s*it at work that’s productive! They may not know I’m dealing with ptsd, but i do - and you guys do! You’ve helped me to see that.
Because I was feeling crappy, I just did some extra work tonight... i get how that looks ? i was trying to make up for my perceived failure.
One good thing that happened today is that I got an A in my last course for my MEd - a second masters. The 1st is in physics. I’m graduating end of August after 6 years of classes in education/leadership - finally. I guess that is something I overcame, despite a divorce, working multiple jobs, being ill, and flashbacks...
I was just in a day program a month ago talking about how i was laid off during my sick leave and feeling so low. But now I am working at a great company. Somehow...
It’s a f*cking miracle actually....
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support and a clear perspective. ???

 

[blackemerald1]

One good thing that happened today is that I got an A in my last course for my MEd - a second masters. The 1st is in physics. I’m graduating end of August after 6 years of classes in education/leadership - finally. I guess that is something I overcame, despite a divorce, working multiple jobs, being ill, and flashbacks...
I was just in a day program a month ago talking about how i was laid off during my sick leave and feeling so low. But now I am working at a great company. Somehow...
It’s a f*cking miracle actually....

^This!! It's no miracle!!! You DID THIS YOURSELF!! You are f*cking awesome! :) :)

Honestly, you make me laugh... you will BE THE BOSS sooner than later. Yes you will!!! :) :hilarious:

Get to sleep WHE you need it because you are conquering the f*cking world and are such an excellent example of ptsd and doing life well anyway! :hug: :hug:

 

[willhealeventually]

^This!! It's no miracle!!! You DID THIS YOURSELF!! You are f*cking awesome! :):)

Honestly, you make me laugh... you will BE THE BOSS sooner than later. Yes you will!!! :) :hilarious:

Get to sleep WHE you need it because you are conquering the f*cking world and are such an excellent example of ptsd and doing life well anyway! :hug::hug:

You made me laugh too ? it’s a good feeling to be understood. Have a good night and thank you!