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Sufferer queer college kid, cPTSD from years of physical/emotional abuse

basil pesto

New Here
Hi everyone, I'm basilpesto and I'm a 21-year-old non-binary/transmasc person. Similar to a previous poster, I came here from a forum that turned out to be not-so queer-friendly.

My father physically abused my brothers and I until I was about 5, then continued to emotionally manipulate us until I cut off contact with him four years ago. My older brother became abusive starting when I was 11 and that continued solidly through the end of high school. He had extremely frequent "outbursts" as we called them, during these episodes he'd punch my twin brother, yell death threats or suicide threats, make gross incestuous comments, throw glasses/shoes/chairs/other objects at us, punch walls, kick doors down, etc. He physically abused me a few times that I don't remember well, most of my PTSD comes from his verbal abuse and witnessing the violence he inflicted on others.

The attitude my family took toward his "outbursts" was more adaptive than preventive. I think my mom and stepdad tried their best sometimes, and other times it's hard to justify their parenting. Either way I don't have a fully trusting relationship with anyone in my family and I live on my own now.

It's so hard to navigate PTSD. Recently, I've struggled most with vivid nightmares, near-constant dissociation, extreme social anxiety, depression, and a general fear of everything. I thought my symptoms would get better after I left home, but I guess at least I'm not being actively abused. It sucks that my standard is so low, but...baby steps toward peace.
 
Hello basilpesto,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear about the traumatic experiences you've had to endure. It takes a lot of strength to break away from an unhealthy environment, and it sounds like you're taking steps towards finding peace and healing.

Finding a community where you feel understood and supported can make a big difference in navigating PTSD. I'm glad you found your way here. MyPTSD is a peer-to-peer support community where individuals who suffer from or support those with PTSD and CPTSD can connect, share experiences, and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

It's common to struggle with a variety of symptoms after traumatic experiences. Nightmares, dissociation, social anxiety, and depression can all be challenging to deal with. Remember that healing takes time, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. It's important to be patient with yourself and practice self-care. If you haven't already, I encourage you to consider seeking professional help. A trauma psychologist or therapist with experience in PTSD can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific needs and circumstances.

In addition to seeking professional help, connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can be immensely helpful. Within the MyPTSD community, you'll find various forums dedicated to different aspects of PTSD and CPTSD, including discussions about nightmares, dissociation, anxiety, and many others. Exploring these forums can give you an opportunity to read and share experiences, coping strategies, and support with others who understand firsthand what you're going through.

Remember, you are not alone in your journey. There are many others here who can relate to your experiences and are here to listen, support, and offer their own insights. I hope that being a part of this community can provide you with the understanding and validation that you deserve.

Take care and know that you are strong and resilient.

Warm regards,
Riley Jones
 
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Welcome to the forum!

I thought my symptoms would get better after I left home, but I guess at least I'm not being actively abused
Now that you’re away from the abusive situation, it does tend to mean that the psychological fallout really begins. But it also means the recovery can really begin as well. Hopefully this place becomes a helpful resource for that.
 
welcome and i hope you find that sharing here helps. i recognise a lot of what you write here.

It's so hard to navigate PTSD. Recently, I've struggled most with vivid nightmares, near-constant dissociation, extreme social anxiety, depression, and a general fear of everything. I thought my symptoms would get better after I left home, but I guess at least I'm not being actively abused. It sucks that my standard is so low, but...baby steps toward peace.
i hear you about all of these things. as sideways was saying, for me it gets worse with distance from those involved sometimes. but that often means i was in survival mode when i was with them and couldn't relax, couldn't heal, couldn't learn. i hope you find the feeling of relief from these difficulties soon.
 
hello basil pesto. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i haven't heard the euphemism, "queer" since i was young enough to be sexual predator bait. i'm 69 now, so that was many, many moons ago. way back when the dumbest of people were smarter than phones, there was a huge movement to do away with that term and all the stigma attached. by the time i came of age, it was politically safer to use the n-word than the q-word. i still brace myself to dodge bullets when i hear the q-word. i don't want to get caught in the cross-fire. i wouldn't dream of using ^it^, not even by the dictionary definition. there is no shortage of synonyms for, "odd." is it possible that the members of the other were reacting to that controversial blast from the past? i'm also fully aware that homophobia is still alive and well. regrettably.

anyhoo. . .

ptsd is an entirely different can of worms. here's to hoping this forum can provide you a bit of stabilizing companionship while you learn how to manage your symptoms.

welcome aboard. you are not alone.
 
hello basil pesto. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i haven't heard the euphemism, "queer" since i was young enough to be sexual predator bait. i'm 69 now, so that was many, many moons ago. way back when the dumbest of people were smarter than phones, there was a huge movement to do away with that term and all the stigma attached. by the time i came of age, it was politically safer to use the n-word than the q-word. i still brace myself to dodge bullets when i hear the q-word. i don't want to get caught in the cross-fire. i wouldn't dream of using ^it^, not even by the dictionary definition. there is no shortage of synonyms for, "odd." is it possible that the members of the other were reacting to that controversial blast from the past? i'm also fully aware that homophobia is still alive and well. regrettably.

anyhoo. . .

ptsd is an entirely different can of worms. here's to hoping this forum can provide you a bit of stabilizing companionship while you learn how to manage your symptoms.

welcome aboard. you are not alone.

I'd thought "queer" had been proudly appropriated by the community, and is regularly used as a non-pejorative self-identifier, especially to express that sexuality and gender can be complicated, change over time, and might not fit neatly into either/or identities, like male or female, gay or straight. No?

Hi everyone, I'm basilpesto and I'm a 21-year-old non-binary/transmasc person. Similar to a previous poster, I came here from a forum that turned out to be not-so queer-friendly.

My father physically abused my brothers and I until I was about 5, then continued to emotionally manipulate us until I cut off contact with him four years ago. My older brother became abusive starting when I was 11 and that continued solidly through the end of high school. He had extremely frequent "outbursts" as we called them, during these episodes he'd punch my twin brother, yell death threats or suicide threats, make gross incestuous comments, throw glasses/shoes/chairs/other objects at us, punch walls, kick doors down, etc. He physically abused me a few times that I don't remember well, most of my PTSD comes from his verbal abuse and witnessing the violence he inflicted on others.

The attitude my family took toward his "outbursts" was more adaptive than preventive. I think my mom and stepdad tried their best sometimes, and other times it's hard to justify their parenting. Either way I don't have a fully trusting relationship with anyone in my family and I live on my own now.

It's so hard to navigate PTSD. Recently, I've struggled most with vivid nightmares, near-constant dissociation, extreme social anxiety, depression, and a general fear of everything. I thought my symptoms would get better after I left home, but I guess at least I'm not being actively abused. It sucks that my standard is so low, but...baby steps toward peace.

You're not alone. I'm indifferent to your sexuality, for the record; you're a trauma survivor and that's why you are a part of our community. Welcome.

First, practical question - how are you for medication and recreational drugs, alcohol and lack of physical exercise? With your symptoms, I think we'd want to establish they're not being caused by any of these. You are coherent and eloquent so you clearly have resources that can be used on your way forward.
 
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You're not alone. I'm indifferent to your sexuality, for the record; you're a trauma survivor and that's why you are a part of our community. Welcome.

First, practical question - how are you for medication and recreational drugs, alcohol and lack of physical exercise? With your symptoms, I think we'd want to establish they're not being caused by any of these. You are coherent and eloquent so you clearly have resources that can be used on your way forward.

And I should clarify in case of any misunderstanding, when I wrote I'm indifferent to your sexuality, I meant it in the sense that your sexuality makes no difference to me in terms of your humanity, equality and dignity. I too can apologize in case of any unintended offence.
 
Thank you for your support, everyone. No offense taken to any of the comments, I appreciate you all reading and listening.

To be specific, I left my previous forum because of transphobia, it was pretty explicit on there.

I can't respond to everyone individually but know that I've read your responses and am grateful :)
 
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