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Sufferer queer college kid, cPTSD from years of physical/emotional abuse

You're welcome.

For what it's worth, last month had direct experience of what many people would call transphobia. A female work colleague told me that the assigned-female-at-birth child of her brother is 15, "is awful to everyone around her", "hates everything", has major depression and wants to become a man, biologically, including surgical breast removal. The young person is starting to take steps, starting with using a male name and 'dressing as a man'. They frequent trans community internet forums as their main (if not only) social life. From descriptions, it seems that their parents may be very wealthy high achievers who are emotionally unavailable, and the mother (the colleague's sister-in-law) is from a far more conservative country than where they all live. My colleague is a hater of many things, and the trans community is one of them: she accuses it of brainwashing minors, including the child of her brother. I wonder what you'd think about that scenario.

I have another thought, in addition to those about substances and physical exercise. You said you live alone. This must be a relatively new experience for your 21-year-old mind to adjust to. It may even be a shock; I only know that because I lived alone when I was 18 as my intended solution to a world of suffering. I soon woke up from a intensely vivid nightmare, screaming; nobody was there to hear it except the neighbours. I had some kind of breakdown, breakthrough, and was 'broken open'. I've since read a lot, have come along way and if you can benefit from that, then great:

Isolation itself can cause major psychological problems, just as substances can. Let's remember that being outcast from society is an ancient punishment, solitary confinement is still a special punishment in jail, and it has been proven that being shunned causes chemical reactions in the brain consistent with real pain - this goes back to evolutionary responses to being left outside our pack in the wilderness, where without enough experience we could die. And so, at a guess, I can bet you'll benefit from taking steps to seeking new like-minded offline friends and treating a rewarding, sustainable offline social life as a part of your essential daily health maintenance. Try that, and see what happens to your state of mind.

Laughter, love and life is out there.
 
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Thanks, Applecore. I actually have two roommates, one of whom also has PTSD, and that's been very helpful. I didn't fully open up to them at first but they are pretty understanding now.

Part of what makes my recovery difficult is that I seem to function very well on paper. I do have a substantial social life, I rock-climb and do yoga several days a week, I spend most of my time outdoors, have fulfilling artistic hobbies, get consistently good grades, etc. But below the surface, I'm just doing the bare minimum while suffering mentally and coping with all these PTSD symptoms.

Something I'm hopeful about is my new therapist, who's been doing some very deep inner-child-healing work with me recently. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16 and this is one of the few treatments that seems to have any sort of positive effect.
 
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