Question About "apathy"

[Pietro]

Well, recently, I thought I was doing a little better. I have been better about taking time for myself and not stressing-out over my obligations as much. And, overall, I feel that I've been slightly less depressed. Good, right?

Today, though, I began wondering if this is simply apathy. I don't really want to get up a go to work in the morning. I don't really want to talk to anyone. There are some things I would like to do at home, regarding straightening and organization, but I'm not super-motivated to do that either. And I'm not motivated at all to do anything beyond these things.

I'm curious if anyone else has gone through this, where they hit one or more intermittent patches of apathy throughout their recovery process.

I've also considered the possibility that I'm going through something akin to mourning. The one thing I'm really motivated to do is work on recovery and work through my issues -- actively. But, as I do this, it brings-up "bad feelings", which makes me want to simply sit with myself and lick my wounds.

If anyone has any insight on this from your own experiences, I'd be very interested to hear about it. :)

 

[maddog]

Interesting. I most definitely hit all sorts of patches of very low energy/motivation/engagement with life, sometimes briefly, and sometimes for much longer periods of time. For me these are strongly correllated with times when my depression is particularly bad, and so I tend to consider them as part of the depressive cycle. But whether it's depression, apathy, mental/emotional saturation (which I think does occur sometimes when in the midst of heavy trauma processing), or whatever else, it does occur, and it's hard to work through.

And yes, like you I am sometimes surprised at the things I do manage to find energy and attention for, even in the midst of such episodes. I was actually just reflecting on this yesterday when completing a rather taxing homework exercise set by my therapist, yet being quite literally unable to read a newspaper or find the energy or focus to pay bills. It seems unbelievable and implausibel to realise that you can find focus for some things and not others, but I do experience this as a real phenomena and am working hard to try to accept that, even if not to fully understand it, and not to be so harsh and critical of myself for seeming to be so choosey about what i can and can't do.

Not sure if I've strayed far from your original point or question, but all that to say that I do relate, and as with most skidding flat spots along the journey, sometimes it's justa matter of readjusting a few priorities and focus points, trying to be gentle with yourself, trying to set some realistic and achievable goals and accepting that trauma work takes a heavy toll on the human brain, and sometimes there's simply not room for everything at once.

Maddog

 

[Pietro]

Thanks for your reply, Maddog. You are very wise. :)

One thing that has been different for me, this time around, is that I haven't been self-critical about my apathy, and I'm really just hoping it's like you said -- maybe my mind just needs to expend a lot of energy on recovery, right now. Which is just fine by me.

Like you, what I can and can't focus on seems to fluctuate from time to time -- guess it depends if I get burned-out on something or not. Quite a mystery. But, I'm hoping I'm starting to learn how to work with my capriciousness a little better. :D