Question About Feeling Like Part Of Me Died, And Disassociation

[RussH]

When my abuse finally got to the place where I could no longer take it, I broke, and really I shattered into a million pieces.
Since that time, well before I knew I had ptsd, or knew anyone else felt like me, if I tried to talk about it, I would say that I broke, and a part of me died. And I truly believe that statement.

So here is my question: Could that part of me that died actually be a disassocative part of me that died? Is this a form of disassociation?

Thanks for you imput.

 

[intothelight]

I don't know if that is part of disassociation and for me that always meant lost time. I know that when I broke that a part of me also felt that is was dead and gone. I found that I had lost hope, purpose and felt like I no longer fit into the world or understood it. That was one of the main reasons I found the forum so helpful as no one in my 3D life could understand where I was coming from.

I think the part of me that died was the part that could put on the mask and the armor and would go out and function every day. It may have been tied to disassociation, but I was aware of this piece and tended to keep the "mess" all locked away until it just couldn't be kept inside any more.

At that point, what was inside came spilling out and smothered functionality for a while. Now I know that it wasn't one or the other and even though I have weaknesses and am still a mess, I am also strong and capable. What died was resurrected and is becoming much more balanced. Its no longer all or nothing.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi RussH, I was just thinking about that after reading some of the info and posts on dissociation and dissociative identities.

The thought which struck me was of a friend (call him Paul) who had suffered some pretty hideous trauma as a teen.

Paul came out to me, and to a few other friends as transvestite when we were in our late 20s. The transvestite identity (call her Paola) was much louder, more outgoing and in-your-face. Gradually everyone began to see more and more of Paola.

Between outings "Paul" described "Paola" as living on a coat hanger.

Fast forward twenty something years.

Paul had a really nasty experience involving the long and dangerous recovery the dead body of a guy whom he knew (not the first time he'd volounteered to use his skills to do that). Shortly after that, Paul used his savings and went for a sex change op.

While all sorts of interpretations are possible - sex change operations, though not as common as buying big motorbikes or having extra marital affairs - aren't exactly rare amongst middle aged men.

The thought which has just struck me is;

Could they have been dissociative identities?

Has Paola let the Paul identity go, taking all of the pain which he suffered with him?

 

[The Albatross]

The only things I do know:

It felt like attempted murder, repeatedly and kept coming up with newer traumatic situations.
I am a fractured personality.
I will likely never know what occurred in the gaps.
I chose to pursue a course where soul woundings can be transformed, healed, or at least borne by myself without the depressive aspects.
I chose to elevate the fact that I survived, rather than introspectively focus on death, loss, misplacement of the obscured "pieces" that are not available.
I did not die. I still have a soul, spirit and self.

 

[greenleaf]

@RussH -- I wonder if it's common for children to feel like they have died when a part is being dissociated, or has just been, at the time of some severe abuse? I've had a few thoughts like that pop out when stuff is coming up, frozen "I'm dead" sort of thoughts out of any context (except the context is lots of other disconnected feelings and sort of images). It might make sense that these weird thoughts would come up, if you had thought that back in childhood at the time of stuff you're working on dealing with now. Or not...

@intothelight thank you for your post, that's very helpful; being capable but also having lots of stuff that's a mess, and one can be both.

 

[Lucycat]

disassocative part of me that died? Is this a form of disassociation?

when a part is being dissociated

Can we clarify here what we are talking about?
Dissociation or dis- association. They are different.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @Lucycat -- can you give the definitions you are thinking of? I just did a search on them and got results suggesting they are the same...

Dead Link Removed
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disassociation

 

[Friday]

I was diagnosed PTSD before I broke. Maybe a year before? 6 months? I don't know. About a year. And symptom wise, looking back, it was probably accurate. Nightmares kept getting worse, risks kept getting bigger, drinking was... Insane. I could never get to oblivion anymore, didn't even try...it was all about smoothing out the rough edges. Relationships took a 180. I'd never felt more alive. I was running with a fast crowd at work. Keep it up, raise the bar, kick it harder. Be harder. Suck it up. I needed more. And more. And more. Everyone did. Work hard. Play hard. Push the limits. Intense was the name of the game. Even mellow had this edge to it. Don't exactly know how to explain it. Always waiting for the next thing to happen. And you could spot it in people. People could spot it in you. Who's always watching? Who's vibrating at this level? Who is always up or down for this class of stupid things, but at an invisible line disinterested in this other class of stupid? We were effing nuts. We could be serious. We could be calm. But only for short periods of time. And then it was game on. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

But I remember breaking very clearly. It was when I gave up for the first time.

Don't misunderstand, I lost a zillion times before that, and I kept fighting a zillion times after that... But that day, in that moment, I broke. It was just one thing too much, in exactly the wrong moment, and I shattered. I've never been the same since.

I don't know if it's dissociative, or disassociation, or what. But it's when I fractured into pieces. I'm not DID. I'm always me. But that when I stopped being all of me at all times. And it's when I lost my emotions. When I started switching between different parts of myself for different jobs. It was a good thing for me, I think. I've always compartmented like a mofo. This let me do it even better. But it hurt.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Could be a symbolic thing. I can see how it resembles dissociation, but I think it's a bit different to it.
It's like dreams, they tell you specific messages: feeling or visualizing is frequently similar to dreams and can carry a symbolic message.

I felt like my "kid self" had died, the true part of me. I could only go on, survive, as "the rest of me" (whatever that was). Like a shell.
Even visualized the cemetery where I was buried, and I had a strong association with ravens, too. I know it's a cliché, but the raven would sit on the tombstone (ravens, as power animals, symbolize transition and healing).

So maybe the part of you dying is a way to protect you. For me, I think it was.
Yet the part of you that is symbolically dead, is not quite dead. It will come back when it's ready, when you are ready. When it's safe. It happened for me :)

 

[scout86]

And then it was game on. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

Totally!
@RussH , I don't have an answer for you. I'm inclined to think of it as a metaphor. Parts of us DO die, in a way. When I was married, we had a farm, and livestock, and security, and I loved my life...... That changed, and it's gone, and it's not coming back. It was a part of who I was. It's STILL a part, it's just in the past. You live, you change, you move on. The change can be positive or negative, welcome or not. You could look at that a series of deaths. I prefer to look at it as a series of rebirths.

 

[Lucycat]

can you give the definitions you are thinking of?

I apologise. You are quite right. I always thought they were completely different entities, but I stand corrected

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Could that part of me that died actually be a disassocative part of me that died? Is this a form of disassociation?

I think it's not related to dissociation. Since I have my separate parts with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and I also feel like part of me died in my car accident that brought all of the past traumas and DID into focus, I think it's separate.

When I dissociate in general or into another part, it's not the same feeling I get when I think about who I was before all of this. I think that saying I died in the car accident (which was the catalyst for my learning of past traumas and DID) is my way of putting words to how drastically different I feel now than I did before. I think that as I work through everything, I am also striving to recover what I can from the past but mostly to build a new stronger and truer me. I mourn the loss of my life before the accident and so it feels like I died. However, it does not feel like dissociation.

I feel like I am rambling in an effort to explain because words to truly describe it are not easy. As I typed that though I remembered a poem I wrote about feeling like I was still sitting at the side of the road and that everyone had been carried off and that the emergency crew thought they had carried me off but that I was still there. And now I can see the connection to thinking it was like dissociation. Like there was a separate part of me that was left there on the road as if dead. So now I am back to rambling and trying to figure out an answer for you. And I think my final answer is, I still think it's not a dissociated part that died but it's a complicated question that you ask.