Question About My Mother!

[daniel]

Hello all,

this is my first post, I've been browsing this forum for some weeks now, but I was too ashamed to introduce myself, I promise I will at some time, oh and please forgive my bad English :)

I need your honest opinion about this, when I was a child (9-10) my mother when she was drunk used to be hmm I don't know , okay I'm gonna tell it, she was trying to French kiss me! I am a boy, It was not the first time she was behaving strange towards me esp. when she drank alcohol, even in later years. Thing is I'm still living with her together and we had a huge fight a few days ago and somehow these memories came up. Well I'm quite old now lol (27) and will hopefully be finishing university this year.

I'm in therapy now but I've never mentioned this before and honestly I don't know if I can because I'm too ashamed of it, maybe it doesn't even matter.

Now, she never sexually abused me or anything and I don't know, was this some kind of normal behaviour or am I exaggerating??

Thing is also that this is not really the reason why I'm in therapy but I just like to know if this can be considered a traumatic experience?

PS: I don't know if this post would belong to this section:(

Thank you xo
Daniel

 

[ronin47]

Daniel, what she did was sexual abuse. She was using you for her own sexual gratification. My stepfather did things to me as a child that I minimized for years, thinking that it "wasn't really abuse." That was all just denial, when I finally admitted it to my therapist he told me straight up, "You understand that that is abuse."

What she did was abuse and could certainly be classified as a traumatic experience. The fact that you feel shame about it even though you did nothing wrong is in of itself an indication that the experience was traumatic for you and healing is needed. When I told my therapist about being sexually abused for the first time it was by far the hardest thing I ever did. It may be just as hard for you, but try to find a way to communicate what happened to your therapist. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrased about, your mother vicitimized you and there is no need for you to suffer from it any longer.

 

[Spero3]

Daniel,

Yes, your mother sexually abused you. ANY inappropriate language or touching towards a child is sexual abuse. As for being ashamed, I will share with you my own shame in hopes it will help you. When I was about the same age as you (9 or 10), the violence and tension in our house was so bad that I started masturbating every night. I was so young, I didn't know what I was doing, but it felt dirty. I couldn't stop, though. I carried this secret with me into my late 20's. It was not until I was in a support group in which another woman, who had been raped repeatedly as a child, confessed also to masturbating as a kid. Because of her, I was able to tell my counselor about my masturbation as a child. It was only then that I learned that masturbating like that is a very normal thing for people (and children) to do when they are highly stressed. Monkeys in captivity engage in this behavior. All those years, I had carried that shame and it had greatly inhibited my ability to enjoy sex.

My guess is that you will not know how much your mother's abuse affected you until you start talking about it and release that shame. The only person who should feel ashamed is your mother. You did nothing wrong. You were a child, and instead of protecting you, she abused you.

Do not be afraid to share with your counselor even though it is hard.

Spero

 

[Srain]

Daniel, as a mother of two boys that went through that age with her children, I can tell you most clearly that is something that was NEVER in my mind when I kissed my boys, why would it be??? Your instincts are so correct please please listen to them, Hugs. There is so much wrong with that action, my head just wants to blow off thinking about it. :mad:

French kissing is a sexual sensual part of love and lustful making between adults, you were anything but an adult! You know this in your heart but when it get confused for a child of course there are going to be line blurred inside and questions and ultimately wishing to push it all away, especially when the abuser is a primary care taker who ignores the act having ever taken place with silence. My heart screams for you :(.

I'm so grateful you are able to discuss this here and get the confirmation you have long since needed.

Please continue to take care of yourself,
Rain

 

[Froggie]

Daniel, you have assumed your mother's abusing behavior, that's where the shame comes from. You were only a child, and a child does not have suffisant ressources to know what is right or wrong. They can feel uneasy, but don't understand why. Your mother had a parental authority over you, and as a child, the parent is the first to guide them through life. Had this occured when you were an adult, you would have had a reflex to say ... Hey stop, that's not right ... but the child is sometimes in a position of a hostage to an adult's lust.

Linking arms with you, you did right to tell your story and bring down the wall of silence. You are taking the first steps to empowerment.

PS : I have a specialized formation to work with sexually abused victimes, but I've had to lessen my case loads because of my PTSD.

 

[anni]

Hi Daniel,

I think your English was extremely good. Just as a side not for future reference, I think other countries must do a very good job teaching English. I took 4 years of German but did not do well when trying to speak it while in Germany. I know someone from Germany who studied English for a similar time and speaks it beautifully. I hope your doubts of this do not stop you from using the forum because you write very clearly.

It sounded as if it was very hard for you to write your post because of the shame you feel from your memory. I cannot say anything which is better than the others who answered before me. Hopefully you can see there are many here who care, and listened to what you've said, and wish you much healing. As you've seen, there is just no shame in what happened to you, there just never can be when a child has been abused like this. As the others said, you had no power, you were indeed a hostage.

Please do take care of yourself, come here when it's helpful and much welcome to the forum.

Anni

 

[Froggie]

please forgive my bad English :)

Hi Daniel, don't worry, your english is good. I too am french. Just popped by to say hi and hope you're doing ok.

 

[daniel]

Oh my :), thank you all so much all of you who replied so far, I'm all teary eyed right now :(, I was feeliing so embarassed to open this thread again, because I thought you would think I'm spamming, I will try to talk to my counselor, I told her last time that I'm having problems with my mother, I am actually not talking to her anymore, well I try to, but I feel like my counselor is protecting my mother, it's seems like everything I say is wrong or exaggerated, I don't know how to describe it!
I was able to repress this memory, but suddenly it popped up!

I love you all!
Daniel

 

[Kim]

Daniel,

I walked away from my mother and family over 22 years ago. It's not an easy thing to do but sometimes we have to do what we must in order to survive. Walking away was the only way I could put an end to the way she treated me. To be honest it's turned out to be the best thing I ever could have done for myself.

Also, if you are not feeling comfortable with your counselor you should look for another one. A counselor who you are not comfortable with or doesn't believe you can do you more harm than good. Find someone who specializes in PTSD you'll be much better off for it. I've been there as many others here more than likely have as well.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Srain]

Daniel, I just wanted to say totally agree with Kim, you need someone who will support you in this.

Hugs,
Rain

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am so sorry that happened to you. It is sexual abuse and it is very hard to talk about. I understand. My mom was highly inappropriate with me (I am a girl), and it has been very difficult to talk about. I am still not 100% comfortable with it. But little by little I can face it. It is important in your recovery to work through it, but be kind to yourself. Remind yourself the shame is hers, not yours.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I agree with everyone who said that was sexual abuse and I might just add colossal enmeshment. I can just imagine what else went on, Yeti was rather good at it too (Yeti is a malignant NPD).
Get some therapy for sequele of emotional incest, since that's what it was.
Scott