Death Question for parents who have been bereaved

[Sandstone]

Does completing grieving mean you no longer cry?

My son was stillborn over thirty years ago. There are still times when I'm reminded of him and feel sad, or occasionally cry, about the waste, and all he never experienced. It has been suggested that means I haven't finished grieving, but I think it is the natural response of a parent. It continues to be sad that he didn't experience all that he could have done, and that he isn't in the world enjoying life as his siblings are. I can't imaging ever being able to say "oh yes, that happened" and feeling neutral about it. I don't think there is any more work to do, but I want to hear how others experience it, years after the event

 

[gealach]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've experienced 3 child deaths: my son, my niece, and my nephew. I certainly don't cry for them everyday, but I do think about them often. I'm sad about their loss on days that make sense, like birthdays, anniversaries, first day of school, holidays, etc. I would cry on those days, if I could cry (thank you ptsd). I'm not sure that I would call that "grief", or at least it's not the same kind of grief as in the first years after their deaths.

IMHO someone suggesting that your sad days, which sound similar to mine, are "unresolved grief", doesn't know what they're talking about. It's normal to think about someone when you're reminded of them, and it's normal to feel sad about their loss, and wonder who they would have been. It's also healthy to have and express those emotions. Also, child deaths are unlike any other kind of loss a person can experience.

The flip side of that "unresolved grief" statement, is "just get over it", and I wonder if this is what that someone actually means, even if they aren't quite aware of it. Like, why are you still sometimes sad, over 30 years later? Why aren't you done being sad about that? How can you possibly still have sad days after so many decades?

From one mom to another.... I get it. And you're perfectly normal. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

I do not believe a loss of a child can be finished with (grieving) the same way as when losing others.

Nor do I think it is a wrong thing to still care.

 

[ladee]

It has been over 40 years since my stillborn daughter was born. I still experience what you shared. I still have the deep loss of what could have been. I don't feel, we ever 'get over' loosing a child, regardless.

What you are feeling is normal. And I'm sorry for your loss of dreams unrealized.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am sorry for everyone's losses here, this is so tragic for all of us.

I had miscarriages, we think 7 of them in all. Mine never reached stillbirth, but I can tell you I still grieve sometimes and still need some time and ways to grieve about it all too.

I find different things to do, supporting children's ministries and the like, that help a little. I cry sometimes when I see children or babies. (I hide my tears, but my eyes get wet). I do that last because I don't want to ruin the joy of parenthood for those enjoying it. Sometimes I have to leave. Sometimes I politely refuse to hold the baby that everyone is passing around so blithely! I just smile and back up, so that I am not in line for the baby holding. I am not sure what I would do if I held other people's babies or not, so I refrain.

I did get a chance to hold one baby, my niece, when she arrived from South Korea at the age of 6 months old. That was before my miscarriages.

 

[Sandstone]

Thank you all. I'm sorry each of you has experienced such a loss, and sorry too if I've stirred it up unnecessarily for you. I'm also relieved that we seem to share the ongoing sadness, loss and sense of waste, but relieved that in this, at least, I seem to be normal.

child deaths are unlike any other kind of loss a person can experience.

the deep loss of what could have been.

Yes, the sense that it is all wrong for a child to go before the parents makes it so much harder.

How can you possibly still have sad days after so many decades?

You may be right. I think it would devalue both my son and myself to be able to put bhim behind me.

Nor do I think it is a wrong thing to still care.

Thank you

I don't want to ruin the joy of parenthood for those enjoying it.

Sometimes it is good to remind people of how fortunate they are. In the midst of sleepless nights and unexplained rashes it is easy to lose the big picture.
I have also made a point of saying to expectant mothers, "Take great care of yourself. Just being pregnant doesn't guaranteee you will have a baby", and two who subsequently miscarried said that it was a comfort to them to know they weren't alone.

 

[ladee]

I know that, personally, you didn't bring anything out that isn't always there to begin with. And it is good to know we all feel that to not acknowledge our children, and our own loss and pain and unanswered questions, serves as an injustice to our children, and to our selves as moms.

It's sad for all of us. But when we reach out, it's hard to find something that we are totally alone with. And we do need to be reassured. Now none of us feel alone. Thank you for that @Sandstone.