Question for people who identify with not having a father

[Rose White]

- i must work everyday on my healing
- its ok if its one step forward two steps back.

Yes!

you can find other "real" people who will love you for being different......for being functional.

No one needs to take the place of our parents.....they were our parents......human, fraile

I agree that you can find real people who will love you. I can’t hold this belief consistently but I can hold it more often than not. I have to act to find real people.

Regarding “substitute parents”, I’m changing my mind about this. I believe it is possible to have a surrogate parent as an adult. The therapeutic concept of reparenting is where the therapist takes the role of shaping the client through their thoughts and words and actions and intentions. And the therapeutic alliance can allow the client to develop their emotions past the place they were arrested.

However this is an intentionally temporary arrangement, which is opposed to dependency and there are protective checks and balances in place. This is distinctly different from finding a person to permanently fill a void. This is filling the void yourself with the assistance of a therapist or other trusted provider who understands reparenting. Ultimately the client assumes all the parenting themselves, but needs the guidance of the therapist in the beginning.

This, admittedly, is not what I was thinking about when I posted my question. I *was* thinking of “a person to fill the void”. Therapeutic reparenting is not that, but is a kind of surrogate, if temporary, parent. I feel comfortable recognizing that.

Father figures are wise men who come in many forms.. Who we may never find.

I like this. I like the mystical quality to it. Any of us who have been fortunate enough to have a true father figure probably agree there is something rare about them.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yes!



I agree that you can find real people who will love you. I can’t hold this belief consistently but I can hold it more often than not. I have to act to find real people.

Regarding “substitute parents”, I’m changing my mind about this. I believe it is possible to have a surrogate parent as an adult. The therapeutic concept of reparenting is where the therapist takes the role of shaping the client through their thoughts and words and actions and intentions. And the therapeutic alliance can allow the client to develop their emotions past the place they were arrested.

However this is an intentionally temporary arrangement, which is opposed to dependency and there are protective checks and balances in place. This is distinctly different from finding a person to permanently fill a void. This is filling the void yourself with the assistance of a therapist or other trusted provider who understands reparenting. Ultimately the client assumes all the parenting themselves, but needs the guidance of the therapist in the beginning.

This, admittedly, is not what I was thinking about when I posted my question. I *was* thinking of “a person to fill the void”. Therapeutic reparenting is not that, but is a kind of surrogate, if temporary, parent. I feel comfortable recognizing that.


I like this. I like the mystical quality to it. Any of us who have been fortunate enough to have a true father figure probably agree there is something rare about them.

I left everything behind, and am pretty no/low contact with my family of origin and x husband, and extended family members to "get better" and "get away from their dysfunction." After I left, I quickly came to the conclusion that I had little parts of me that needed watching out for and guiding........the reparenting comes from within.....as I see it.....with the therapist there to support. Yeah, that therapy relationship will one day end.....hopefully, not any time soon-I like this new T. My x-husband filled the void (I wasn't aware that's what I did), and that was a majorily dysfunctional relationship....we were never an even match.....he always was the "authority." I think the void can be filled or healed from within.....without the need for a replacement-I've come to the conclusion the replacement idea ends up a negative or dysfunctional reenactment of what was.....

 

[Tinyflame]

I've come to the conclusion the replacement idea ends up a negative or dysfunctional reenactment of what was.....

That's how I see it- not that it's wrong for others, but it would be very wrong for me. If it doesn't apply to me at my age, I don't want it. I've got enough intrusive reminders of the past, to not willfully return there. And if some T tried to 're-parent' me, I'd be breaking my ankle sprinting for the door. But, everyone is different. Mind you, I don't relate to having an inner child, either- I'm childlike in some ways as is without choice, so that is bad enough! :(

 

[TruthSeeker]

That's how I see it- not that it's wrong for others, but it would be very wrong for me. If it doesn't apply to me at my age, I don't want it. I've got enough intrusive reminders of the past, to not willfully return there. And if some T tried to 're-parent' me, I'd be breaking my ankle sprinting for the door. But, everyone is different. Mind you, I don't relate to having an inner child, either- I'm childlike in some ways as is without choice, so that is bad enough! :(

I think it is six of one, half-dozen of the other.....it's about perception.....sometimes I feel real young and at home alone...and who cares....kinda freeing dancing in my living room alone or put on a silly T-shirt or watching some old kids show.......fulfills an older need.....then sometimes I feel much older....although I can't say I feel in my 60s.....and I'm okay with that! I hope I never feel ancient. ?
I went shopping with a girlfriend, who acts her age (except when there is a game with a reward behind it....then she turns into a big kid). She's embarrassed by it....I see it as having fun and I just laugh....we only go around once, and my life stank for a long time in the "have fun dept" so being a little childlike safely in an appropriate time and place.....totally okay-kinda freeing! Now that I'm over 60 my perspective is time-based....wtf...why not....I'm in the fourth quarter of the game of life....better play while I still can...

 

[Zeekayk]

@Zeekayk I also married, thinking husband would love me better than my father(or be a substitute male role model-something like that)......but husband raped and almost killed me......(my father wasn't that bad.....I was just invisible to him most of the time....he was emotionless-or drunk...or both). Husband was a drunk....didn't find that out till I said "I do."

You said, "I'm destined forever to live with a void inside me "....sounds pretty permanent-"destined forever".....it's fatalistic....maybe you will fill that void someday. As long as you long for a fantasy ( that loving caring father who never was)....you are destined to have a void.
You said, "I'm destined to be different than everyone else"......Well, if you are destined.....make the best of it....change the connotation....in my case.....

I don't want to be like my family because I'll never lead a happy life if I have to play a role in their dysfunction, that they taught me.....that they learned.......
The family is dysfunctional......my father was dysfunctional (now dead) and being different today is okay....I have intact values and they don't jive with a lack of boundaries and values that shift when it is convenient. I have had to go no-contact to work on being functional.....I couldn't be functional if my life and role were bound up in dysfunctinal behaviors.

So, it has taken me a long time to realize that belonging to a dysfunctional family (which means I have to play a role in the dysfunction)......isn't really belonging......it's acting......walking on eggshells.....and a very unhealthy role to have to play in life...and there it was lots of emotional work. I have a friend who loves me.....my best friend, and the most work we do are things that happen naturally, out of caring about the other person.....you can find other "real" people who will love you for being different......for being functional.

No one needs to take the place of our parents.....they were our parents......human, fraile, without self-esteem, and in my case, I know that they were very ill (alcoholics) and narcissistic.

Yep.....we will both work very hard everyday on healing....then maybe someday....we wont have to work so hard.....I keep that hope.

Yep...totally agree with the one step forward, two steps back.....but it evens out, because sometimes its four steps forward, and only one back. ? Hopefully, we won't count the steps.....just know we are going forward over time. Keep the faith!

Thank you so much for repling -
the void i meant was of my childhood, i never had a safe home. My father was drug addict, and alcoholic. I grew up knowing them so well, although i did attract some - i knew well what they were. Im lucky i guess somehow. Im so sorry your journey has been as this difficult, mine too but it made us the strong people we are today. And i am sure one day so soon you'll find a person who will make up for all that happened. I really appreciate your reply. To our healing journey

 

[Rose White]

After I left, I quickly came to the conclusion that I had little parts of me that needed watching out for and guiding........the reparenting comes from within.....as I see it.....with the therapist there to support.

Reparenting does come from within, you are right. I have to submit to it. T’s voice in my head that I get angry at is my own reparenting voice, trying to get me to listen. “Pick up that room! Get up! Go do something!” T would never say those things, I’m projecting them onto her. The voice morphs and evolves. Also, if I comfort myself positively, that would be reparenting.

My father was drug addict, and alcoholic. I grew up knowing them so well, although i did attract some - i knew well what they were. Im lucky i guess somehow.

You *are* lucky, and you are wise to see through them!

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Self-Determined Having been a special ed. teacher for many, many years, I have a parenting voice that when I do something well, or fix something, or do bills, or something hard for the day says, "Good Job!" While I know that voice wasn't my mother (she was my critic for sure) or father or sibling, I think the teacher part of me, now that I'm not teaching....has stepped in to provide the missing parental encouragement. Some days, self-that praise really helps me keep going.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you so much for repling -
the void i meant was of my childhood, i never had a safe home. My father was drug addict, and alcoholic. I grew up knowing them so well, although i did attract some - i knew well what they were. Im lucky i guess somehow. Im so sorry your journey has been as this difficult, mine too but it made us the strong people we are today. And i am sure one day so soon you'll find a person who will make up for all that happened. I really appreciate your reply. To our healing journey

**tears** thanks for responding....very kind. I'm fortunate to have a really superior good friend, and if I were sick, she'd take care of me and do right by me....and I trust her...and she's a gem, one of those friends with values...and a miss goody two shoes.....I used to think people like that were odd (so few of them) and now I admire them...LOL. I think another partner of any description, is off the table right now......I'm learning how to live....just really started after doing my best to leave dysfunction behind (though my daughter and grandson....I miss terribly). I'm just looking for friends and daily companionship with alike interests.....making new friends....a rewarding but now cautious and much slower experience. Thanks for the kind response.

 

[Rose White]

I think the teacher part of me, now that I'm not teaching....has stepped in to provide the missing parental encouragement.

I am also a teacher with most of my students requiring extra supports in some area, whether academic or social-emotional. I work at a private school and most of the kids came there because traditional school models didn’t work well. I finally realized that my teacher self is very stable and confident and compassionate. She goes away when I come home. But I’ve decided to try to elicit her help with my home selves. A lot of my recovery is wrapped around my teaching career because so much of what we do with special needs kids, especially social-emotional learning, is the same as what I’m supposed to be practicing in my recovery. So I can’t be completely authentic unless I’ve integrated my parts from work and home. My teacher part is like my ally in re-parenting.

 

[Ronin]

Reckon there's a difference...

Reparenting as trying to replace original / missed parents (not gonna work / end up in reenactment & toxic patterns)

&
Reparenting as 'simply' picking up new / healthier habits and ways of life & rolemodels.

2 Different concepts. The same word. Worlds away activities.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am also a teacher with most of my students requiring extra supports in some area, whether academic or social-emotional. I work at a private school and most of the kids came there because traditional school models didn’t work well. I finally realized that my teacher self is very stable and confident and compassionate. She goes away when I come home. But I’ve decided to try to elicit her help with my home selves. A lot of my recovery is wrapped around my teaching career because so much of what we do with special needs kids, especially social-emotional learning, is the same as what I’m supposed to be practicing in my recovery. So I can’t be completely authentic unless I’ve integrated my parts from work and home. My teacher part is like my ally in re-parenting.

Good to meet another teacher. My teacher part is my strongest, and most together part of me....and collaborates with most all other selves....and praises me....motivates me....cheers me on. I think for 30 years....I spent life saying aloud, "Great job" Knew you could do it....that it has internalized. (I don't always hear that voice, but when I accomplish things that are challenging...that's when I hear the positive self feedback. My teacher part has empathy for everyone else....and very little for herself. I have that same feeling about the teacher part and my home parts as well.....glad I ran into you.?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

No to all of that. My "father" abandoned me at 12 and ignored all the red flags that something was very, VERY, wrong and ignoring my begging twice, once at 9 and once at 12 to take me, but took my brother telling me that boys need to be with their fathers and girls with their mother. The f*ck?

He then abandoned me again recently. I do not have a father and have never had a father even though I badly needed, wanted, and pleaded for one and tried so hard to bend myself to be what he wanted for him to be my father. Today, I am father-less even though my bio father is still alive and even local to me. Sadly, I will be father-less forever.

I am also mother-less. My mom being one of my abusers and died not being a mother to be. So, parent-less and always have been.

I grew up being very independant, very hardpressed to do things on my own. I think that comes from always being parent-less. I do long for parents. A mother, a father, but I think I am in the process of accepting that, that will never happen. Acceptance is a wonderful thing. It helps you to be able to move on. It helps you to not be so hurt from it. I think anyway.