Question for sufferers about trust

[A13]

My partner and I had been on and then off over the last 4 or more years. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and am trying now to work out a solid base for both of us to parent the baby the best we can. I want to build a relationship to enable us to raise a baby in a safe happy environment ... I’m not sure if we are supposed be or even capable of being in a healthy/loving relationship but I need to try to build some sort of good relationship with him. I need his support. This is my first baby and I am very conscious that this is going to be the biggest milestone in my life.

A couple of years ago I had replied to a few texts to male co-workers. (These weren’t sexual or anything one was a male similar age and one was not far off double my age)
My partner told me before he’s not comfortable with me texting men as he wouldn’t want anything to progress further. I had told him I understood this.

A few times over the past 4 years back I lied to my partner. He asked me if I text them back and stupidly I tried to avoid the drama and said I hadn’t and removed the texts from my phone (not cos I had something to hide, just cos I wanted to avoid drama- I know this was stupid and made things 10 times worse but it’s done now!)
This is probably where our relationship went wrong. I broke his trust and since then he tried but he never trusted me. He was always suspicious of me and accused me regularly of cheating etc. He checked my phone a lot and was always very angry about it and would always cast the issues up. He was just obviously not ever to get PAst it. This was exhausting for me especially because I had so much love for him and he thought so little of me. At one stage We were very rude to each other and things got very toxic at a stage.

I would love nothing more than to be a happy family but even if we can’t be together or not make it work I will never stop him seeing the baby I have the most incredible relationship with my dad and feel that’s important...
I feel like in order to be strong parents I’d like to still have trust and I want her to see that mum and dad still have a close relationship

Is there any way I could ever regain that trust or is that gone?

I know lying was the most stupid thing I could have done. I destroyed his trust and he has lied to me to tarnish mine I also know people have got over much worse but we need to think about the little baby and what’s going to be best for her.
He is currently out of T but I’ve started to go alone (I don’t have PTSD, he does)
My partner is also currently using a steroid which I have told him I don’t think is sensible with having depression&PtSD but basically my question is. Once trust is broken is it ever possible to build again??

 

[scout86]

Once trust is broken is it ever possible to build again??

Yes, but it may not be easy.

Your situation is more complicated. It sounds to me like he didn't trust you in the first place, that's why he wanted control who you texted. As I think about it, maybe that wasn't about trust, maybe it was about control all by itself. Either way, that's a bit of a red flag. (Personally, it's a deal breaker. No one gets to pick my friends but me.)

Parenting is only one part of your life. It seems like he could learn to trust you as a parent and you can learn to trust him (assuming he's trustworthy). Have you talked with him about co-parenting? What are your expectations? What are his?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the trust issue is in him, not in you and your actions. That is, I fear you will jump through hoops for him, only to find yourself isolated from crucial supporters in the future. I’m not speaking from a ptsd standpoint (although I do have ptsd). I am speaking from the standpoint of a daughter who’s father married a control freak and it has destroyed his relationships with his whole family. My dad has been fooled into thinking that marriage is about 1000% transparency so she has access to his phone and email. It’s pure BS, as I can see that it’s about her inability to trust. You deserve to not have your phone activities monitored. You could stop talking to every guy you meet, give him full access to your phone, and it won’t ever be enough. I fully believe that people deserve privacy, even in a relationship. My phone is locked, mainly because I don’t close my window to this site, and I deserve to have access to this form of support. My boyfriend locks his phone, too, but I have the access code. Neither one of us ever looks at the others phone because we trust one another and respect each other’s privacy. I have his access code for emergencies, but I don’t ever look in his phone because I trust him and respect his privacy. His ex did that, and it really bothered him. We don’t even have access to each other’s social media accounts. Anyway, jumping through hoops in the name of gaining trust can be a slippery slope. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Once trust is broken is it ever possible to build again??

In theory. Meaning I’m sure some people do it.

Personally? No.

 

[Ronin]

Once trust is broken is it ever possible to build again??

I bet for some.

For me? I would have to be very willing to try for that much.

It isn’t building a relation with the same person, rebuilding it.
It is building a relation entirely a new, with a new reality at hand... while having the person you lost still in front of you.

Which is a kind of mindf*ck I am so not willing to subject myself to, these days.

 

[somerandomguy]

I know this is not what you're asking about, but telling you who you can and cannot text to the point of making spot checks on your phone is very controlling. This isn't a PTSD thing - this is an asshole thing. Are you sure you want him in your life?

About the question you did ask - I'm not sure, since I really don't trust anyone completely. I believe that my wife has my best interests at heart almost all the time, but sometimes I still confuse her with my abuser. That's on me. It's not her fault. But I don't know what I would do if she really, actually broke my trust in a major way. (Texting a dude innocently would not do that.)

 

[Freida]

I have several male friends and hubby knows about them all. If I'm talking to them I usually let him know because it's not a big deal. I may be known for taking off occasionally ----but not for another guy.
If he told me who I could and couldn't communicate with? I'd be out the door. That to me would be a violation of my trust because he's saying I'm not trustworthy...if that makes sense?

And yep...once you lose my trust it's forever.

I've got to agree with SRG. It's not a ptsd thing. It's an abusive control
thing

 

[Fadeaway]

To me personally what you did was so minor. That shouldn't have destroyed all trust. For some people though, it is a huge thing. Those people scar me.

Huge difference between lying about an affair and a minor lie about talking to friends to prevent drama from someone who is controling who you can or can't talk to.