Relationship Question For Sufferers

[sun seeker]

I know why he's pulling away.

Okay, I understand. I might have just assumed, because there are so many posts from supporters asking why we pull away. But then you did get into his uncommunicativeness and not knowing what to do about it. So to be clear on this, has he been uncommunicative all along, or is this new since his friend died? These are two scenarios requiring different kinds of responses.

To know whether he can see that you care, you'd have to ask him. You've gotten several different responses from different people with PTSD. That means it's as individual a thing as each person. We can be supportive here and answer your questions as best we can, but I still think you need to separate what is about PTSD and what is just life. We can help you do that. I just want to point out that I see this as an issue you may need to look at.

 

[journey31]

Okay, I understand. I might have just assumed, because there are so many posts from supporters askin...

All along. Push pull. When we get close, he pulls away. Comes back, pulls away. Says he's scared of getting hurt. Then tells me he doesn't think I will. But still the hot/cold confusing yo-yo.
What I don't get is why he does when everything starts going good, why he does.

I know why he's doing it now. I know when something happens he's going to pull away. That's not what my post was about. I know the answer to that.

That's why I asked if he can tell I care. Right now, I'm giving him his space. We talked last night briefly. And I'm still going to lay low for a while.
I just don't want him to think I don't care.

 

[journey31]

This ^^^^
Does not match

This. ^^^^

If you had spoken about the months or years that this has bee...

My question was what I asked in the original post. The rest of the stuff that came out was conversational answering questions.

Yes he's been acting the same for years.

I'm not asking why he's acting the way he is, right now. I know the reason for that. I never asked about that. I asked if he can tell I care.

 

[shimmerz]

I just don't want him to think I don't care.

You don't have any control over what people think or don't think. Ever.

My question was what I asked in the original post. The rest of the stuff that came out was conversational answering questions.

Yes, thank you. The problem is as @sun seeker mentioned. The information further in the posting may absolutely be relevant.

Now is not a good time (when he is suffering from such a great loss) for you to be pushing or pulling with anything. Or noticing his pushing or pulling. Because, as I mentioned, what he is doing right now is human. I think what we are trying to get across to you is that the human condition is greater than the PTSD condition. Maybe he push pulls because he is uncertain - not because of his PTSD but because of issues in your relationship. Or issues in another of his relationships that is affecting your relationship. Address his human-ness first and THEN address the PTSD.

I know that people care about me because they treat me as a human being first and foremost. The ones I mistrust are the ones who treat me like I have PTSD and NOT like I am a human being. I mistrust those who make excuses for things by referring to my PTSD. I am Shimmerz. And I want to be treated like Shimmerz. Not like PTSD specimen 437,362.

 

[sun seeker]

I never asked about that. I asked if he can tell I care.

The answer to that is we can't tell you, only he can.

What I don't get is why he does when everything starts going good, why he does.

I can hypothesize, but only he can answer for sure. Many of us have a hard time trusting things being good, because that means relaxing and letting go of hypervigilance, which in the past has meant disaster. Whether this is what is happening for him, none of us can say.

All along.

And that is where it becomes less about his PTSD and more about you. If he has been like this all along, that is not likely to change anytime soon. People change when they want to and are ready to do the work, and even then it has to be the right moment, they have to have the right help, etc., etc. So the question becomes "how much of this can you live with?" It isn't about right or wrong or about whether this is caused by his PTSD or something else. It would be so nice if you could tell him this behaviour bothers you and he would say "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize" and proceed to change it. Unfortunately that isn't likely to happen. What are you willing to live with? That is still the relevant question.

 

[journey31]

You don't have any control over what people think or don't think. Ever.

Yes, thank you. The problem...

But I'm not asking about the push pull thing. I'm not doing any push/pull right now.
The only thing I was asking about is what I put in my OP.

 

[sun seeker]

The only thing I was asking about is what I put in my OP

And the answer to that is we can't say. Only he can.

I hope some of this helps. I have to go do some errands unrelated to PTSD for a while. :-)

 

[shimmerz]

I asked if he can tell I care.

If you are treating him as a human being first and foremost, then you would ask him and accept whatever he has to say about it. If he is ambiguous then, as @sun seeker says, you would need to make your own decision about what you intend on doing about that. If he is not ambiguous, you would take what he has to say and do the right thing for YOU based on his response.

Although we are all PTSD sufferers, we are not cut out of the same cloth. We are individual. We cannot possibly answer whether he feels you care about him or not.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I'm already there emotionally. I love the guy. Damn sure can't tell him. I think he would really clam up. He's talking again. So that's good. I just want him to trust me.

This breaks my heart. I've felt this way before and I've made people feel this way too...Such a terrible, helpless feeling..

This isn't good..and IMO this is something completely separate from whatever trauma he may be experiencing with the death of his friend. The come here, go away treatment, the ignoring you in the past, the fear of expressing your love for him..these issues run far deeper than grief. At the bare minimum this relationship is unhealthy and I highly suggest you distance yourself from him. You're focusing too much on earning his trust and, as a result, are denying your own feelings of love. Until he is able to deal with whatever is causing him to act this way he will not be able to provide you with the emotional support that you need. And that's not fair to you.

 

[journey31]

This breaks my heart. I've felt this way before and I've made people feel this way too...Such a ter...

His issues are he refuses to get help. He says he can fix himself. I try to walk away, but he sucks me back in. I know it's not healthy for me. But I can't seem to force myself yo leave.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @journey31 - I think that for some people (sufferers of PTSD and other anxiety/depression disorders) is not that they can't see that you love and care for them, but that sometimes too much crap gets in the way of them being able to see clearly, or act appropriately towards you.

I can give you a recent example from my own relationship with a guy who suffers from PTSD and several other comorbid disorders. A couple of days ago I raised some concerns I had with him. I asked a lot of questions and told him what was worrying me. I didn't accuse him of anything but he said that he felt like I was accusing him. He got very upset and told me that he thought I treated him like shit. I was taken aback when he said that, as I strive every day to treat him with love, care and affection. So I said "Actually, I think almost all of the time I treat you very well. I believe that I have the right to ask questions if I'm concerned or confused about something." When I said that, it took the intensity of the argument down a notch, and he agreed that yes, it was true that I do treat him well.

What I'm trying to say is that distorted ways of looking at things - in this case, all-or-nothing thinking (ie. His assertion that I was making him feel upset today therefore automatically meant that I always treated him badly, which was not true), is common in quite a few disorders. I'm guilty of it myself and it takes a lot of work (usually CBT) to overcome it. Hope that helps a bit.

 

[journey31]

Hi @journey31 - I think that for some people (sufferers of PTSD and other anxiet...

Yeah. Mine doesn't say stuff like that, but will get annoyed when I say something about his actions. Like I will ask if he doesn't want to see me. And he will be like if I didn't I would tell you. So you're saying you do want to see me, but you just won't do it?
Then he starts in about I need to stop assuming.
He will never tell me what is going on. He just tells me what isn't going on.
That's why I'm so confused. And I've mentioned this, and it's the same "I'll tell you if I don't want this" answer. Instead of saying, yes I still want to be with you. But it's not just about us. He talks in circles about everything.