Relationship Question For Sufferers

[Wastinglight]

He talks in circles about everything.

Yep, I know that feeling.

 

[Lacey Marie]

I have been in a relationship with someone with PTSD for about 3 1/2 years now. I'm not a sufferer. I have learned a lot in how to support a sufferer and what not to do. My sufferer was a wonderful partner and father for two years. Then he started to have stress build up and he seems to be a very different person most of the time. Sometimes I get the good side of him but he's often hidden by all the stress. So I have a pretty good comparison of him during isolation or close to it and when he's able to handle the stress in his life (when he is not taken over by his PTSD). When he is not suffering he is kind, loving, sweet, thoughtful. When he is suffering he is selfish, mean, irrational, confusing and cold. Because when you get too overwhelmed by stress and you have PTSD you can only focus on de-stressing, not about anyone else or what they think. You need to be alone to de-stress. When my sufferer is isolating I know he doesn't want to be around me. He fakes it with everyone else (he tells me). It makes him more stressed when he knows I need something from him like reassurance. He can't give it to me. My sufferer knows I care, knows others care when he is isolating but it stresses him out to keep hearing it or to think I expect anything from him. So now I just let him be.

I apologize to any sufferers if I have over generalized anything, this is just what I have learned from my sufferer and everyone is different. Also, not implying PTSD makes you mean. My sufferer is a Marine Corp vet who served in Iraq. Stress combined with combat training means you do what you're trained to do and attack. That's what happens in my relationship, again not in everyone's.

 

[Knak]

That's what this is. Come here, go away. And I have no idea how to respond. I haven't talked to him i...

Sounds to me he has his own unresolved problems and if he doesn't want to admit or talk about it, you are going to suffer. Personally I would back off. I don't need more insecurity.

 

[Knak]

Can you see when someone cares? Can you see if they're trying to be there and supportive. I know that...

I had an older friend who was the epitome of love. She would just listen to me talk and cry and not comment but just listened. Her showing she wanting to be there for me was more loving than I've experienced from anyone else. She joined a book club I was in and would sit near me at luncheons, e.g. She never tried to analyze or advise me, just be available.

At first I didn't realize her sincerity but after I quit the book club she told me she joined because I was in it, so I went back and tried to help her when she became chairman.

I wanted to do what I could to help her to show appreciation. She was dying of CHF and her husband didn't seem to hear or act on her needs. He was too scared to lose her. She mentioned she needed something specific to make her life easier so I made it for her and she was overwhelmed. I knew when she was going to die and her husband couldn't help her so I stayed and made him call hospice, then took over as much as possible to make her comfortable.

I'm sure she knew how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. It was the first and only relationship where I felt pure sacrificial love.

 

[Changing4Best]

Even though I had not been diagnosed yet, I think my husband always knew there was something wrong with me. He treated me so gently "as if he had kid gloves on." He never got angry with me, even though there were some things that he probably should have been angry with me about. Like I would hardly ever cook, so he did a lot of the cooking. I was diagnosed only a few years before he died. So by then, it really didn't make much difference. Anyway, I see this now, but when it all was happening, I did not see it then. I had no idea there was something wrong with me. He died in 2005 and that was only when he had had a stroke and was already in a nursing home.

 

[Yvonne6373]

I have been in a relationship with someone with PTSD for about 3 1/2 years now. I'm not a sufferer. I have learned...

Hi, I am new to here, a girlfriend of a UK vet, ex Royal Marine Commando & up until 2 months ago my life with my bf was amazing & then the isolation began. Reading your post & others has really helped - thank you. I've had the odd messages from him but no calls & we haven't seen each other. It's breaking my heart that he's gone from being the most loving caring man to this distant selfish person but I am trying my best to understand & read as much as I can on PTSD. There are just days when it feels so personal & all I want is reassurance that he still wants us to be together. How long does your partner go into isolation for? Does it differ every time?

 

[Lacey Marie]

@Yvonne6373 I was in your exact situation 6 months ago, trying to gather information and figure out what was going on. Have you read the cups example? That's usually PTSD 101 and a good start. Every isolation is different. Your best bet is to tell him that if he needs anything you are just a phone call away. And then focus on yourself (hard as it may be at first). For me the more I push him for reassurance or anything at all, the worse he gets. So now he gets his space. It is hard for the supporter when your sufferer isolates and they are being nice to everyone else but ignoring you. It's probably because they love you the most. They're closest to you and you know them more intimately. Maybe if there is a sufferer reading they can give a better explanation. But either way it seems to work that way. Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is typically a lot different than your normal relationship. One of the struggles I find is that outsiders don't understand and criticize your relationship if they don't take the time to understand PTSD or listen when you explain it to them. They think you're making excuses, but when you have PTSD (and when you have been combat trained) your coping mechanisms are different and difficult for non sufferers to understand. I've learned that isolation is a confusing time and if he is talking to me at all he may do or say things that don't make a lot of sense so I just say basically say "okay" or "good" when it's something positive, letting him know I'm not going to push him, he can come back when he's ready. You're doing the right thing in educating yourself and getting support from other who understand. It's never fun but I think that the more you learn and get support the easier it becomes. : )

 

[Yvonne6373]

@Yvonne6373 I was in your exact situation 6 months ago, trying to gather information and figure...

Thank you for your honest explanation it really has helped to realise I'm not alone in this. I have seen the cups and that is a great example and has helped me explain to my family & friends what is happening. I too get the comments saying is he really going through this or is he just stringing you along & that's hurtful. I know this isn't going to be an easy road to take but he is worth it and I'm not giving up at the first hurdle! I guess next time I will be in a better position as I'll know what to expect a bit more. He has contacted me today & feels he's ready to see me at the weekend so hopefully that will happen. Thank you again for your reply xx

 

[nessa3]

Yes..I can tell when people truly care and are trying to be supportive of me.
I don't trust anybody...

wow I feel the same way....Im pretty good at reading the difference between real and fake, but I dont trust...and I cant let my guard down fear Ill get taken advantage of.

 

[Flower Power]

Men and women can deal with grief and emotions differently. My husband does not have PTSD but he is not someone that shares all his emotions with me or anyone for that matter. He doesn't like me taking care of him per se, because he would rather do for me or do it for himself. Yet he loves me to make him feel special, do special things for him, hug him as I pass by or just a quick peck on the cheek and he will glow. It seems that you may be the one needing to be needed and feeling locked out. Men don't like to be coddled when they are hurting it makes them feel immasculated and weak. Not what they want to be with the women. I agree to many times it is blamed on PTSD when in reality it is a character or relational issue. Many men are like cornered wounded bob cats when they are hurting. Best to let them find their own corner, lick their wounds, make sure they have food and water and love them when they reappear and are ready to re-socialize. Just my opinions and experience.

 

[Rosewater]

It is hard for the supporter when your sufferer isolates and they are being nice to everyone else but ignoring you. It's probably because they love you the most. They're closest to you and you know them more intimately. Maybe if there is a sufferer reading they can give a better explanation. But either way it seems to work that way.

Not sure if this helps at all - my experience was that for a few months I completely isolated my wife without even realising it. I was convincing myself that I was ok and hiding from the fact that deep down I knew I was really not ok at all. It meant that I was faking it nearly all the time at work and with friends, so it must have looked like I was being nice to everyone other than my wife - especially to her. The reality was that home was the only place I was safe enough to not have to fake it, but I was so numb that I couldn't express any affection to her or myself. This was before I saw a therapist and before I was diagnosed.

Since then it's not so bad, because eventually I was able to explain to her what I was going through. It took a few weeks of therapy to get to that point. It was extremely difficult and I broke down several times during the conversation. When you love someone they can be the hardest person in the world to talk to about PTSD, because being honest with them means you have to be honest with yourself and not avoid the pain you've been trying to block out. And because you feel shame and guilt for exposing them to your pain - you don't want them to suffer and you know they will, because you can't cope on your own any more.

I know this isn't going to be an easy road to take but he is worth it and I'm not giving up at the first hurdle! I guess next time I will be in a better position as I'll know what to expect a bit more.

This is an amazing attitude. It's hard to express just how much it means when anyone, especially a partner, sticks with you and believes you're worth fighting for. Often it's hard after a trauma to convince yourself that you have any value left - when someone shows you that you do, even in small ways, it can mean so much. I hope you both find happiness together.

 

[journey31]

Not sure if this helps at all - my experience was that for a few months I completely isolated my wife...

Honestly I tried to end it last night due to the lack of attention. He was like "did you not realize I'm depressed"!
I asked him about help, he still refuses to get help.
So I told him I missed him and haven't heard from him after that.