Relationship Question For The Long Term Supporters/old Timers

[Newtoptsd]

Question for all you supporters who have been doing it for a while.

Do you see a difference in the initial dating stages of your SO's to what you see new supporters writing on here or are the stories similar? Did you experience the Isolation? Did it get more infrequent and what were your initial coping mechanisms?

Also did you drive yourself as nuts as us newbies do wondering what if? why? when? etc.

 

[Snowflakes]

I've been supporting my spouse for about 10 years. I'm new to this forum and I think my journey would have been easier for me if I had come here 10 years ago. I most likely would have learned coping skills and saved myself a lot of heartache.

The stories I see here today from supporters are very similar to my story from the past. Yes, I experienced the isolation. They actually got more frequent till I learned better coping skills. I didn't have any coping skills in the beginning which definitely drove me nuts and most likely didn't help my sufferer. I'm starting to think that my lack of coping skills probably contributed to her increased isolation. Couple therapy seems to be what is helping her the most now....at least from my perspective.

What got me on the road to looking for coping skills was attending a 12 class NAMI Family to Family course. Since I am a long ago PTSD sufferer (VietNam combat veteran), I knew what worked to help me but it was so long ago, I had forgotten the mechanics behind it. The NAMI course got me started and several months later I started lurking on this forum.

Yes....it did drive me totally nuts and to a large extent, it still drives me nuts but knowledge is power and power allows me to change myself. At the end of the day, I learned I cannot change my sufferer but I can change how I react to her. Learning that was a huge step for me and I think a huge step in our relationship.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It seems to be pretty common to have a honeymoon period followed by the first "PTSD episode"... and I think we all freak out about it. Especially if we're not familiar with PTSD or dealing with mental illness. Double so if our sufferers had been doing well during the honeymoon period. It can seem like a switch being flipped.

Mine is an isolater. I admit I did not handle the first one well. I was checking the obits and inmate lists looking for him. Worried he was dead in a ditch somewhere. Not cool. We had to have a "come to Jesus talk" afterwards to set some boundaries for the both of us.

You get used to it over time, especially if you have communication and boundaries. I know the drill, he knows the drill. I can almost use it as much as him sometimes. I get to unwind and do things he hates doing. Go to loud crowded places and do girly things, etc. Get out of "PTSD Land" for a little bit.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sweetpea76 You know....I never thought of it that way till you wrote: "I know the drill, he knows the drill."

That should have been my goal years ago. Therapy, lurking in these forums before I joined, and a lot of trial and error made me realize I was working towards that goal. We had the "come to Jesus moment" when we both looked at each other and knew we arrived at the fork in life's road where we were going to go our separate ways or take the same path. We chose the latter. Now we both "know the drill" although I never consciously looked at it that way till I read your post. It made me smile.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Thank you so much @Snowflakes and @Sweetpea76

I've had a think and I'm actually going to give myself a pat on the back in some respects. From the 2/3rd month in the PTSD was very clear so I did my own research, bought books, came on here in November, met him in September, I have continued to read and research and during his isolation periods I don't reach out. I sense his isolation from whether he's replying to me or not, I give it a few days and if I don't have responses then I just leave him.

I think what this thread has brought to light is my own issues potentially, I have issues with self-worth and my insecurities are eating away at me. I get confused with isolation sometimes, and talk myself into believing he doesn't like me and this is him sacking me off - I think previous dating experiences have instilled this fear in me.

I have actually took it upon myself to look into therapy for me, just someone to talk to to not only help me understand my friends PTSD but to work through relationship issues I have. I definitely have issues with commitment and self-worth and I am probably the biggest pessimist when it comes to relationships. My friend has said he never wants a relationship (definitely in his bad dark moments) which I accept, I have never asked him to be official, never called him my bf but he does send me some mixed signals. He says that but then has acted like he is my bf, on Valentines day I even got a 'well you're the closest thing I've got to a gf' ... okaaaayyyyyy then.

But recently I have been struggling with isolation and lulls in communication so just at a bit of a loss/cross road.

Thank you for your insight, I think communication and research is key!!!

 

[scout86]

Does he KNOW you have self worth issues, @Newtoptsd ? I ask because, the way we humans tend to mind read and make assumptions, assuming the other person is happy not to have to deal with you seems a bit more common than assuming they have their own issues and you're hurting them. I don't think that's a PTSD thing, I think, maybe, it's a human thing. You're right, communication is key, to any relationship.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Does he KNOW you have self worth issues, @Newtoptsd ? I ask because, the way we huma...

That resonates a lot with me, my now ex didn't really seem to understand that her behaviour was actually hurting me and seriously kicking off my own issues, it was a little like she thought I wouldn't care and she was doing me a favour, it was quite strange and I agree it was completely down to the lines of communication been so strained.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@scout86 I think he has an inkling as I've sometimes mentioned that I don't feel like guys want me and I don't know why they would. He always tells me I'm beautiful and funny and lovely and guys would be knocking on my door and that I'm going to get married and have beautiful babies. I just don't see this happening for me, I don't want to get married either but I do want kids ... basically I just want him. He is probably not the person for me because he can't give me him right now so I think the PTSD is maybe contributing to my self-esteem issues but I don't voice this with him really because when I express an insecurity he tells me I'm being stupid and asks what this drivel is or he withdraws a bit when he feels like I'm asking something from him when I'm not.

Gah I dont know, it's all very confusing sometimes!

 

[Newtoptsd]

@TheMinsterman yes that's kind of how I feel, I am actually very ok with the pure isolation, when I know he is really really not doing well and I can sense that but it's the bits in-between which are wobbly. When he's communicating but not, and he's not telling me that he's not 100% but he's not critical and I just have all these assumptions in my head and then think it's me and yes ... you get the gist.

 

[Linzee]

It seems to be pretty common to have a honeymoon period followed by the first "PTSD episode"... and...

This is exactly me. We've had a great honeymoon period for 5 months (nearly forgot about the PTSD) and then nearly 3 weeks ago the switch flipped! No real warning apart from the lessening calls/texts. Every message from him always ended in 'X' (he made a point of re-sending messages if he forgot to add them in) that was first thing to go so I did feel a slight shift that something was coming.

I'm really struggling with the no contact now but not giving up, how did you keep enough faith to know he hadn't gone for good or tossed his phone in a lake or deleted your number etc...as to why the sudden stop in communication from him.

I hope my guy comes back soon so I at least get a chance to even establish some boundaries to get us both through these times of isolation in future. Its the not knowing that is killing me...

I'd rather have a tough relationship that requires constant work, with the right man. Than an easy straight forward relationship with the wrong man. Help...

 

[Linzee]

That resonates a lot with me, my now ex didn't really seem to understand that her behaviour was a...

Yup! I would say I have mild abandonment/self worth issues. I try never to project on to any new relationship (not that there have been many) and always give a clean slate.

So this isolation thing has me totally panicking and trying to fight to stay out of the darkness. I would like my sufferer to know that we all have conditions which plague us and scarred by life's experiences. His isolating should really be sending me spiralling in to depression with eating disorders (as in the past) but I choose to fight against it and stand up to it. I know I deserve to be happy, wish he would fight harder instead of hiding until it passes...

 

[BlueOrange]

@Linzee I think it's awesome that you're making progress and are stronger than before. I get a bit nervous about the most recent comment where you said that you wish he could see that everyone has scars, and that he'd fight harder.

If we take physical injury as our metaphor, then PTSD isn't a deep scar - it's a bacterial infection that got past the skin because there was an open wound. I've now recovered from the events that I suffered (as far as I know), but not from the fear of my own mind that is the fundamental problem in structural dissociation. (The PTSD family of disorders. My diagnosis of DID means I have more fracture lines than a 'straightforward' PTSD sufferer.)

Everyone has scars and memories that they don't like, true. His problem is that he's afraid of how his behaviour changes when the memory influences him. Fighting harder isn't usually what's needed - it's more about being in pain without feeling a need to fight. So our 'fight harder' culture often makes things worse.