Relationship Question To Supporters: What Do You Do And Why Do You Do It?

[BigBear]

I am asking this question because I wonder if most relationships between a PTSD sufferer and supporter are unequal with one giving more?

I think of this more as a baseball game. We are one team. Sometimes the long ball hitters are at bat and we are getting nothing but long balls. She's infield (especially pitcher). She can't help who's up to bat. She just has to try to keep them slowed down, so I can field them and give the infielders a chance to make a play. But a lot of the timeshe is getting strike outs and I am having a picnic in the outfields. Very unequal. But that's just the way life is when you play as a team...

Honestly, I don't care if it evens out. I just want the team to win!

Bear

 

[HEART BROKEN]

What I have found in all supporters’ replies and many other posts from supporters around the forums is a deep level of commitment. I wonder though, how do you manage to not cross the line to getting co-dependent, to give him more credit and more attention than you’d give yourself?

I am still trying to balance this out - in fact that is exactly what it is "a balance" or a dance. Although better recently, both he and I (subconsciously for him cause of trauma, very consciously for me as the supporter in tune to him) have crossed the boundaries of co-dependency. For quite a while I felt out of balance either due to his moods/needs or mine for one reason or another. The good news is we have both learned how to "dance" better, for that matter I recommend a great book (originally recommended by my psychologist) which helped me to be more conscious of myself - The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.

Ultimately he is the Yin to my Yang!

PS: You ask very insightful questions. Kudos to you!

 

[p-no]

Thank you for your reply, hopeful in love.

Your post gives me hope. I am glad that you both dance more in tune now. I also think it will always be a balance, but I think that's the case for everyone, the extent may vary though. Wishing you some more happy dancing.

I have ready "The Dance of Anger" several times. This is one of the books that I would give a free copy to each woman on the planet if I had the money. I find it a true must-have-and-read. ;) There's also "The Dance of Intimacy". Very good and helpful as well. Harriet Lerner has helped me a lot already.

 

[p-no]

Honestly, I don't care if it evens out. I just want the team to win!

I think as long as you get your wants and needs met in a healthy way, that is a very nice and good way to look at it. :)

 

[p-no]

Hi Bear,

Thank you for taking the time and effort for replying so thoroughly.

I do get what you are saying about the triggers and them coming to life for you more by experiencing them through Angel.

To that, I'd guess I'd say that your supporter has a right to care more deeply than you can initially stand. I think it is really a critical part of a good supporter. They are going to be strong em-paths and you won't want that. But it is part of who they are and they can no more be rid of that than you can cut out an eye.

However, I do have days that I need to put myself first. I feel very guilty about those. Much more guilty before I got my own therapist.

I think all PTSD sufferers as well as all supporters are individuals, although all PTSD sufferers share the PTSD, however to varying extents. You seem to be saying that I can’t stand a certain depth of care by my possible partner assuming your experiences with yours would be close to my possible partner’s with me. If that is what you are saying, I’d like to make sure to say that I am me. I do like to be cared about, up to a certain level, for sure. That is not due to my PTSD though, but due to my being human, at least mostly. I personally do not want to be the center of attention for my partner. “Partner” (as opposed to “supporter”) implies equality for me; therefore if one is the center, it’s not equal. It’s also important to me that my partner wants me to care about him and allows me to do so. I also believe that it is not a critical part of a good supporter to care, but that of a good partner.

I am glad you don’t feel as guilty anymore for when you put yourself first. I truly believe it is a vital part of any partner of someone with PTSD (or any other mental (and other) disorder) to put themselves first, even on a regular basis in everyday life.

I want to know everything, about Angel. But I started with limits. Remember, you are not actually hurting us. But we do feel for you. Start easy... Talk afterwards about how the trauma talk went. Feel for the current limit. Get him to express how near his limit you are. Remember that his range will grow. Also, He'll start to expect the new traumas.

I'm afraid that I'd say that was pretty much not a supporter. But that's just me...

I think that would be a supporter with limits, i.e. boundaries. I find nothing wrong with that. I do not feel the urge to share my trauma history with my partner or friends. There was a time, early on in recovery, when I had just learned to speak about it all, about 15 years ago. That’s when I talked to lots of people and extensively so. Until I learned that they’re all just that, people, who have their own lives and troubles. Ever since then, I have relied on therapists and to a certain extent on friends with regard to speaking about things. I think I have found a good level there.

So far, I’ve been giving the man (R.) general information, but about me specifically, i.e. the symptoms I have, but not in detail but rather terms like “processing issues”. The same with traumas. I made a PTSD info sheet for him and listed some of my traumas there, but again not in detail, i.e. not every single person who died but something like “death of loved ones”. I think giving him the space to ask is a good thing; this way he can ask what he’s interested in and get a reply to what he’s been dealing with in his mind anyway. It’s been going well so far. I will definitely keep him on my radar for not overwhelming him, thanks.

Angel keeps coming up with new trauma's and new fuller ways of expressing them. I believe now that I am ready for anything that she has to tell me.

As for other old traumas coming up for the first time now, I doubt there are any. Got them all covered, not all in all detail there is, but mostly so. I’ve been going for therapy ever since I was 19.

The most important thing I can say is to keep the lines of communication open! And start slow.

Agreed. :)

You have to learn to trust them, too!

Definitely. That goes for both of us as he has experienced traumatic events himself. He seems quite careful in many ways, too.

Also, if he hits a trigger (of yours), help him to understand why the trigger happened, if you know. That means providing some details.

Will do.

Last thought. Get the "safe word" going but in reverse. You've probably established a safe word with your therapist. Have him establish a safe word with you so he can tell you when he's maxed out. Then when he gets it settled go back and see how and why he got maxed out. You'll be surprised how much you are learning about you while you are learning about him...

No, I don’t have a safe word nor a safe object (anymore) and don’t need it. What do you mean by “maxed out” (I’m not a native speaker of English)? I wonder why he wouldn’t just say if he were e.g. overwhelmed by what I’d have told him? Generally, it’s a good idea though.

PS: Sorry this was so long! One of my personal problems to trigger (used improperly) on.

No need to be sorry! I really appreciate the time and effort!

Thanks again!

 

[BigBear]

What do you mean by “maxed out” (I’m not a native speaker of English)? I wonder why he wouldn’t just say if he were e.g. overwhelmed

I know that in Angel's case, she can know something but psychologically not be able to express it. Everyone gets that because she is the sufferer. The truth is, however, all humans have psychological limits. They can attempt to override them, thinking perhaps, that "it's just a little more. A little more I can manage." But then they are out of their tolerances. They are beyond their limit and it's too late to start trying to explain. They can't anymore. That's what safe words are for...

Just my opinion...

Bear

 

[p-no]

I do understand that, what I don't understand is why a word (also verbal language, just like talking) would be easier than just saying it. I did have the safe object once, working the same way as the safe word. But just saying, of course that is possible and as I said it is a good idea. :)

 

[p-no]

Eleanor, thanks again for your reply. It seems that things look up from what you've said despite issues remaining. I know I said I wanted to reply to some things, right now I don't remember what to and nothings has struck me rereading your post. :) Just wishing better times and especially no black hole activities, they suck big time (I know what I'm talking about as a supporter here).

 

[p-no]

I reread my own post and wanted to add that I hope it doesn't come across as black and white with regard to what to share with your partner. I do share and talk about it, and I find this vital really in any relationship about anything that's part of it (and a disorder in one or both certainly is such a part of it). Some years ago, I over-used or maybe even ab-used friends for dropping my PTSD-sh*t on them, and I think that's not fair. That's what professionals are there for, and the famous supporter network, i.e. also friends, but friends can not expected to carry the whole load. A friendship is not only about sharing the tears, but also fun and just "normal" times. So, it's the extent to which you share with your partner (for their sake and that of the relationship) I'm talking about.

To be honest, I have read some of the supporters' diaries on here and most times all I would like to respond is "Why are you staying?" Or "Why the hell would you want to stay with a person you write so derogatorily about?"

If I were the partner of those who wrote what they did about their partners and relationship, I'd leave them. Neither would I want to be the cause of such distress and depression (how many supporters are actually taking medication to cope with the PTSD of their partner...) nor would I want to be talked about the way some have been on here.

It has made me really sad what I read, and I won't read there again.

 

[Cult]

1. What do you do to understand your partner with PTSD?
2. Why do you do what you do to understand your partner with PTSD?

I am new on this journey but here are the things I have started doing to understand my partner with PTSD:

-Read as much as I can about PTSD and how it affects sufferers/relationships
-Get support from this forum
-Get support for myself
-Address my own issues which have caused us problems and aggravate the PTSD

As far as why do I do these things? I love my partner and want our relationship to continue. That won't happen unless I accept the fact that she has PTSD and that PTSD changes everything. I also must accept the fact that I have to change myself.

 

[p-no]

Thanks for your post, Cult. I really like what you have said.

 

[Pencil]

"Why the hell would you want to stay with a person you write so derogatorily about?"

My thoughts exactly. And what's forcing them to stay?