Childhood Question

[Copper Princess]

I know that these questions cannot be answered by anyone here but...
Why did my Mom say it was ok for my cousin to hurt me? I told her that he put his hand in my panties. She said that is ok, he is just a curious boy. He told me no one would believe me. He said I could not cry or I would get into trouble. He said this every time he touched me, every time he made me Jack him off, every time he put something inside my private parts. I don't understand why this was ok as a child but looking at it as an adult it is not. I tried to tell, no one believed me. I wet my pants at school and was whipped with a belt for it when I got home. Why didn't she care enough to see that something was wrong? I am so angry right now. She did not help me but she is now living in my home. I have to help her now because she is my Mom but she would not help me and I am her daughter.

Sorry, rant over!!

 

[Overcoming]

I'm so incredibly sorry that you experienced that. A mother is to her child first and foremost. You deserved better.

 

[Copper Princess]

Thank you @I'smom I just don't understand. I would never allow someone to hurt my daughter.

 

[Muted]

I'm sorry for what you went through. I think it's amazing that you spoke up and told your Mom.

Unfortunately, your Mom didn't have the coping skills to be the Mom that you needed at the time. Possibly because of her past or even whatever she was dealing with at the time. Denial was her way of coping, because the reality of what was happening to you was unbearable for her to face.

This doesn't excuse her behavior, but serves as a good reminder of why we choose to deal with our past and our present and strive to heal.

I pray that you and your Mom can work through this. She is blessed to have a daughter who has chosen to take the high road and care for her in this present state even though she was unable to care for you when you needed her.

 

[Copper Princess]

@Gia1019 thank you for your prayers. Maybe we can work through it I really don't know. There is nothing wrong with mother, she works full time and could easily live on her own. She gave up her apartment to help my sick sister but my sister made no effort for my mom to move in. I did not want her homeless so I took her in. I still try to do the right thing although it hurts me so bad.

 

[Esterio]

thanks for the post Copper Queen I am sorry for what you went through. i wish I could take away some of your pain. Your Mother should have been there for you to protect you from your predatory cousin. Can I ask where he is now. I hope he isn't continuing to abuse. Probable is as no one stopped him. You are the big one stepping up to take your mom in. Give your self a big self hug for that. You have taken a big step coming here and talking. I proud of you for coming forward. Do you go to therapy. if not you should try to look into it. Sexual abuse is hard to deal with on your own. A professional Therapist can help. From experience I know that holding it in as long as you have makes it worse. I have done the same. The end off my abuse and trauma was over 40 odd years ago and i still haven't got it dealt with. I started Therapy again 2 weeks ago. I remain positive and hopeful
Nice to meet you feel free to talk to me if you feel the need I'm only been here for a few weeks now so i don't know my way around very well yet. I am starting to feel comfortable.
Be Safe Peace

 

[anthony]

Why did my Mom say it was ok for my cousin to hurt me?

Because your mom is broken and should be locked up and not allowed to raise children, or be around children. Add your cousin to that too... lock them both up from society.

 

[Muted]

I disagree and am not sure how your Mom being locked up right now is going to help this situation.

I do think that if having your Mom in your house is stirring up past trauma, that it might be best to have her stay somewhere else for now. This might give you the space you need to work through some of this.

Its commendable that you've helped her, however, if your not fully taking care of yourself first and foremost, that could eventually trigger you back and cause more harm than good to yourself and those you care about.

It's like the whole oxygen mask thing...have to put your own oxygen mask on yourself, before you help put one on someone else.

Are you working with a T, who is helping you through this?

 

[Copper Princess]

I disagree and am not sure how your Mom being locked up right now is going to help this situation.

I...

@Gia1019 Yes, I am working with a therapist who says she needs to go. I really believe my Mom stays in my home because she hates me. She has been offered other places but refuses to go to either of them. I agree with my T that she needs to go but my heart hates to see anyone homeless and me be the cause. The whole situation makes me sad, angry and completely worthless.

 

[Muted]

She has been offered other places but refuses to go to either of them. I agree with my T that she needs to go but my heart hates to see anyone homeless and me be the cause.

If she has been offered other places and is refusing them, then why would you be the cause of setting a boundary with her?

You might find it a powerful step in the healing process to make a decision that's best for YOU and your own mental health. Something your Mom (for whatever reason) didn't do when you needed her to.

I'm concerned if you don't honor your feelings in this, it's almost like you're in this cycle of being revictimized...
and once again without a voice...

 

[The Albatross]

I had this crop up when my own mother needed more direct assist. So I get it. However your decision to have her in your home... like my decision to give my mother additional assist (since I was 14)... is not necessary a "whole hog" thing.

My mother was also being abused and yeah was clueless to other abuse, and sometimes even threw me under the bus to ward off more vicious attacks from my father. However.... she is my mother, and though did not really protect me in a meaningful manner, she did try to own up to it in "her own way" as she is able. Not really enough to help me much... but I could appreciate at least that she did try.

She is my mother and though I won't understand on a meaningful adult level "why"... I can recognize that she did the best she was able however flawed. I made a conscious decision to be in relationship with my mother.

However it went down, your mother is living there with you.... that decision was made somehow. Now it's up to you to manage the thoughts. You're mother's presence in the home is likely what sparked all this back up. However, a decision was made, she is there and with your adult mind it is up to you to pick and choose the manner in line with your character how to deal with this.

It wasn't about, for me anyways, what happened before...though I was really angry... this was about my own character, base nature and the kind of adult I wanted to be. Then I had to pony up and find coping tools to manage.

My relationship with my mother has been dicey the last couple of years, however I have done the best I can and it is her, not me who chose to sever the relationship at times. We are speaking now, it is hard and painful... but I am being my own best authentic "me".

 

[ladee]

Standing up for yourself with her will be one of the most empowering thing you can do to save your own life.
The first time I stood up to the sperm donar, I was literally shaking, anxiety so high my arms were numb and I felt like I was going to throw up.
And nothing happened. He stopped walking into my home without calling first..he was so angry he even stayed away for awhile.
When I say nothing happened...I mean I did not die..nothing burst into flames, he was not able to out talk me. I stood my ground. On shaky legs with numb arms..I did it. I did it!!
It was a major turning point in my overall recovery.
I had to ignore the guilt, the feeling of saying NO to a very powerful person who was keeping me from growing.
It wasn't easy and I worked with my T a lot before I finally did it..
After that..I was able to really start healing from all the abuse and neglect he had felt free to do to me even as an adult.
But the feelings that came after....absolutely worth a few minutes of completely freaking out.
That one terrifying action set me free in ways I can't even begin to describe.
I started making awesome progress in therapy..in my life.
You would not make her homeless. Believe me...she will find a place to live.
It took awhile to understand where all the guilt and shame came from..and so much was tied into that one action.
Please consider preparing to get her out of your home.
It won't be easy..not at all. But the growth you will experience afterward will make it all wortwhile.
There will be no perfect way to do it..and there will be fallout from her. She wants you to stay stuck and a helpless child. That's where her power is.
But the only thing that I had to do....was do it. I had my T,I had support and the future growth was so worth it.
You matter. But we have to show ourself We matter.
You will get there in your own time.
Part of the reason it worked out so well is because I did not do it out of emotions. I did it because on some tiny level I knew it was going to set me free.
I'm sorry this is so long. But wanted you to know...it can be done...it won't be easy..but it will change the course of your life if you let it.
You matter.
Gentle hugs if you accept and prayers for courage to take care of YOU.