Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Eleanor]

Ayesha, you are a wonder. Truly.

Any family would be blessed to have you as a member.

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha I think you are wise beyond your time. I agree with Eleanor. Your mother is very lucky to have you..

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Ayesha)))
You are amazing and wise beyond your years. You must be what they call an old soul. It is a compliment. I am rooting for you. Let us know how it goes for you. Hugs.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I talked with my mother yesterday and we got to talking about relationships. Her relationship with her mother.

She says that becasue of her more or less German upbringing, that her mother was more distant. That that is normal for Germans to do. My family are German-Americans. Both sides. And both sides are very...well, German. So I can see where she is getting this.

And, It is becoming hard for me to ignore that maybe my grandmother is different then I think she is. That maybe I have on rose colored glasses where she is concerned.

Its hard to wonder if she is now just making excuses for how she treated me. She is trying to explain her self and open up I think. I think... She just went on and on about how my grandmother was so hard to live with.

I can see how that would make a normal relationship hard for her. Meaning, she would not really know how to keep a normal relationship. HOWEVER, I have a very normal relationship with my husband and very firm beliefs on how to treat others. So...

Watching and waiting...Let's see where all that goes.

 

[Eleanor]

Ayesha, what I can tell you is this: my H's mother was completely horrible to him and his step-siblings. Extremely abusive. And she was fine with his children. (If she was alive I wouldn't leave her alone with my daughter, but that's a different story.) My H's nightmarish step mother abused all of the kids, as did H's dad - and she was very good to the grandchildren when they came. It is possible that there is just something different about being a grandparent. Which is not to say that my H's mother did not do some mistaken things vis a vis my step daughter - (called her bio mom and had them talk on the phone when she shouldn't for one thing) But it is easy in retrospect to see that those things came from a kind (if stupid) place.

My hypothesis is that some people are blessed (?) with an unalterable and strong moral compass, virtually from birth - and some are so vague on the concept as to not get it. Kind of like some people have perfect pitch, and others are tone deaf. Maybe your mother is toward the tone deaf side of the spectrum? Or lacks a certain amount of empathy inherently (like aspergers)? None of which is to forgive, necessarily, or minimize the harm she did you (Some people absolutely should not be entrusted with children.) But its possible that her mother was as bad to her as she was to you (maybe worse?) and she didn't have the resources to escape the shadow world....

Who was it who wrote a book about Hitler, and German child rearing practices in the day.... Alice... somebody, I want to say the one who wrote "The Drama of the Gifted Child"... have to look it up. It might be informative. Miller! Alice Miller that's the name - not sure if the discussion is IN "Drama" or in another of her books. Will try to find it.

You are super to stay in contact and doing "very advanced compassion practice." Wow.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My hypothesis is that some people are blessed (?) with an unalterable and strong moral compass, virtually from birth - and some are so vague on the concept as to not get it.

My therapist says that one of my greatest quality is my ability to be honest. I pointed out that I am often too honest. But he corrected me and said still it is one of my best. Along with my morals and intelligence.

I also told my mother that I think her idea with my grandmother is a bad idea, when she asked me if I had called my grandfather to talk about. I was above all, honest.I stick with my morals and will not compromises them.

And she was fine with his children.

I can see that. My grandmother will talk to me for hours at a time, about anything. Personal or otherwise. My mother and her can not talk more then a few minutes. I think sometimes my grandmother likes in me is my honestly, to be frank. My mother can lie often. And be overdramitc and just sometimes full of excuses instead of actions. Even if it hurts others. I often question her morals and her ability to stick with them. Mostly because she has hurt me a lot with things she has said but never fallen through on. She will change her mind often because of my stepfather.

empathy inherently (like aspergers)?

I do not see this in my mother. I think it is mostly her strict upbringing. I can see this in my stepfather, but because he has never been diagnosed I never have thought of this, I basely throw this theory out the window. But I still can not help being angry with him about his treatment of me. It was just not indifferent and coldness he showed me, it was angry about me even being in his house. He has no problem being warm to his own son. ( so this would go against aspergers) So my mother uses this excuse with him.

I believe there is no excuse. I put my foot down about this. I have noticed my mother speaking more freely about my stepfather behavior, but she still tries to justify it. This does not fly with me at all.

She did say, yesterday, that she is so proud of me for taking care of my health. For being courageous and brave enough to do something about it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I love your feedback Eleanor. It is few helpful and valuable to me.

Thank you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I look back at my first post ( and all the things she did and did not do), it is hard to love my mother. 9 but I do anyway), I just hold her at a safe distance ( with empathy).

Empathy:
"the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner."


"the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another."

This fits.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

There is a misconceptions that intelligence means smart or clever. ( I am just pointing out...that I am not showing off).

"Intelligence has been defined in many different ways, including the abilities, but not limited to, abstract thought, understanding, self-awareness, communication, reasoning, learning, having emotional knowledge, retaining, planning, and problem solving."

 

[Eleanor]

It sounds to me like your mother is just a very weak and broken person, who was in a position to do a hell of a lot of damage to you and to allow even more to be done by others. And very likely, her mother helped make her that way, or at least didn't effectively support her growth and development. Children lie naturally (everyone tries it out) but parents teach their children whether or not lying is effective or good, or even necessary.

Not every parent is a good parent to every child they have. Some are better suited to some than others. And some are just a disaster, a train wreck waiting to happen.

Honesty is foundational to any kind of good life. I could wax philosophical here. But its too early in the AM! My grown daughter HC is honest honest honest. She is amazing. She just recognizes and acknowledges the truth. I don't get credit for helping her be this way (she is my foster daughter) her mom and dad do, but I am as proud of her as I can be for this - and it makes SO much in her life more "dealable" than if she struggled to tell the truth - which a great many people do.

Not everyone "Perceives" the bright line between right and wrong that you do Ayesha. More's the pity for them.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You are super to stay in contact and doing "very advanced compassion practice." Wow.

Is that like saying I am mature for my age?

 

[Eleanor]

My favorite definition of intelligence (via Temple Grandin) is "the ability to solve novel problems in new circumstances" or something very close. It is pragmatic, and I like that.