yeah. i definitely have disordered eating. i hoard food, and i eat just about anything you put in front of me. i have a very hard time wasting food. i don't even really have a good sense of taste, most food tastes the same to me. combo of growing up very poor in my formative years and being denied food intermittently, i guess. i gotta echo friday on the thirst thing. for years of my life i used to think i was “thirsty” but it was actually just anxiety. it registers as thirst to me.
weird shit? uhhh, i cannot have anyone near my head. i cannot have water near my head, i can't have my head covered. i can't go to the hairdresser. i can't even really wash my hair without flipping the f*ck out. so, i have no hair! cut 'er all off. i can't do showers, so i take baths. when i was really f*cky, i couldn't even take a bath without wrapping myself in a towel, haha.
i can't do bracelets or watches. one time i got arrested and i flipped out so bad the police officer took pity on me and let me have my hands handcuffed in front.
i almost don't feel pain. there's only a couple things that actually hurt me. i have endometriosis and that's one of 'em. but like, physical, like, outside pain. like banging my head off the top of my desk, or getting cut or getting a needle or going to the dentist. i have dermatillomania and i can dig holes into my skin for hours without feeling it.
i immerse myself in a lot of the culture of this shit. like, binge watch police procedurals like criminal minds for hours on end. read horrific news stories, read biographies by people who have been through some shit, read politics and law and psychology. like i'm trying to gain control over being hurt by knowing as much as i can, exposing as much as i can. i'll sit there and feel literal jolts through my body, like a flashback i guess, it's not a visual memory it's just like being electrocuted.
i have a hard time with clothes, finding clothes that are comfortable for me. i'm always worried they're hanging wrong, being too revealing, etc. it sounds weird but i'm always like pulling my shirt down over my pants, or inspecting myself to make sure i'm not embarrassingly exposed. i can't just sit and be comfortable, i have to be presentable at all times.
i push myself with drugs, but there are some drugs i just can't do. gravol, benadryl, anything that makes you drowsy. seroquel was hell. i try pushing myself through the triggers and fears, like i'm trying to make myself immune to drugs, i dunno it's f*cky. there's only a few drugs i can handle without going into a 6 hour panic attack. opiates (f*cking opiates, dayum) and alcohol. and cigarettes. mostly i just panic.
when people go into my room, or my house, or my space. they're invading me.
cannot do pictures, or videos, or social media.
perhaps the worst, too much time being on the line with people who were suicidal or threatening suicide, too much time with borderlines- i cannot deal with emotional vulnerability from others near me. it makes me into a bit of a monster. when people whine about how no one loves them, i actually yell at them. i cannot do it, i cannot do the emotional expectation pity thing. it enrages me, even now, even though i know it's not my shit. i cannot do the suicidal ideation shit here on this forum, so i avoid it as much as i possibly can.
