Other Let's talk about torture.

therapist to a torture survivor
Would it be worth searching for a therapist with this background @boppy sprite ? I researched this stuff a couple of years back, because as a person with PTSD, you tend to meet other ppl with PTSD as you go through life, and someone very close to me had gone through quite extreme forms of torture and even with a lifetime's worth of PTSD knowledge/ experience/ learning/ skills/ research, I found that torture is an entirely different category all of its own and for a long time it really messed with my mind... Took quite a lot of research/ reframing/ learning to get to a point where my brain even felt able to cope with the effects of torture (many years in the past) on someone else in my life.

On my own PTSD / trauma therapy journey, I've found it makes a million times of a difference if you research and look and wait for someone who's really skilled at dealing with PTSD/ your particular kind of trauma. The treatment they provide can be massively helpful, whereas treatment "attempts" by those who are simply not that specialised can be useless or even harmful. When I was researching it, I simply started looking for torture survivor support places, trauma places specialising in treatment of torture survivors, etc and then weeded out all the places that didn't apply - for example, some of these places were specifically directed towards refugees who had experienced political torture in a war zone, etc. which was not applicable in this case.

Edit to add: I think it can be... kind of an issue of "Do I deserve such specialist care?" for a lot of us... Say, if in your country there's only 3 trauma therapists nation-wide specialising in the treatment of torture survivors, it can be a thing of "Do I really need/ deserve to be one of the few patients treated by these specialists?" At least it was for me. I ended up doing 2 inpatient stays at one of the 3 best trauma clinics in my country. It was definitely worth it. Seeking quality treatment is a seriously good investment. One of the (unexpected) "benefits" of receiving appropriate levels of care like that is that there will be a range of patients at these treatment providers and in all likelihood, you *won't* actually be the worst case that particular T has ever dealt with. It's very humbling to either see (in an inpatient setting) or hear of (anonymously, of course) other patients that your T describes to you, whose stories are literally far worse than the one you're carrying around. While you wish that fate on no-one, it's a relief of sorts to a) know that other people have successfully gone through treatment and survived and recovered from stuff that's undeniably worse than your own situation and b) it's definitely reassuring to know that your T has guided patients who have gone through far worse trauma than you, and therefore is basically not shocked or unsettled by what you describe because they've heard this kind of stuff and much worse so many times before. (I've worded that poorly - my brain's fried - I hope reading between the lines, it's understandable what I'm trying to say and that I've not inadvertently expressed it in a way that seems callous or offensive)
 
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@Weemie I am going to share this with you. Having read some things you've written, considering your experiences and just thinking about you as a person, the conclusion I reached was this: if Ildris Elba took the time to learn poetry and political philosophy and was fortunate enough to have a natural talent in both disciplines, he might grow up to be as cool as Weemie. As @One step at a time said, you were 8. That's barely older than the kids killed at Sandy Hook. Be careful brother, I'll go full on man-crush on you and that would just be embarrassing for both of us.

@Ecdysis Targeted therapy would be ideal. I looked into local resources and there is a place specializing in torture victims but they only accept patients dealing with an acute response. Anything more than a year old is out of their area of focus. Finances are tight (disability) and I'm uninsured until Medicare kicks in. Honestly, just finally being able to say something and be heard opens up a lot of blockage for me, so thank you guys, really. Therapy may be an option when Medicare comes around. We're moving in a few months (with a bit of good fortune) and that may create new opportunities. *shrug* In the meantime, I'm pondering the meaning of it all listening to some very astute people here and learning what I can. Just having space, even if digital in nature, to not be threatened is a breath of fresh air.

Sorry I'm so damned prickly, but I'm guessing that's not an entirely new phenomenon in this shelter.
 
As predicted I freaked out! 😃 I managed to hang on long enough not to remove it and then, went, oh good, that's there. Gonna never show my face again. Gd. Sorry. Idk what f*cking prompted me to do that. I guess the discussion right above. It's a weakness of some kind, and the only thing I can do when I find a weakness in my character is fly at it over and over again, NON PLUS ULTRA.
 
Ok @Weemie - kudos for talking, and more kudos for not erasing it!!!! I'm really proud of you for that - I know how tough it was.

Once again I say, holding my feather duster at the ready -- you are NOT disgusting. What you were forced to do and to see and to experience was disgusting - but those are the actions, not the noun. The noun is the little 8 year old who went thru the type of hell that most adults couldn't face. That little 8 year old was abused on levels that is hard to wrap the mind around when he should have been home watching cartoons and having no idea these kind of people existed.
That little 8 year old deserved a happy childhood - not one that involved murder and torture and drugs and all the rest

And yes, I'm referring to YOU when I say little 8 year old - because I know you are gonna say "well ya, for other 8 year olds but not me". Yep - beat ya to it!

Maybe all the other people here who secretly experienced the same shit are terrified to openly talk about it. J
Yes - it does help a lot when you are honest about your experiences because it shows me that it can be done. It's not something I can do - and I'm not sure I ever can, even in therapy. But being with you while you are telling your truth does give me hope that someday I will be as brave as you are.
I dont deserve kindness but ask for it anyway.
Anddddd here I am - to feather dust you cause that's a bunch o boollsheet if I've ever heard it.
Of course you deserve kindness!!!
But I'm really proud of you being afraid and asking anyway - because it shows you are getting more trusting (.0002% instead of 0001%) with those of us around here. ch
 
Just, please, don't - I get it, that I'm disgusting, and it's outrageous. Just please don't call me names. This is the worst thing I have ever ben thru, and I think about it hundreds of times a day.

At least once a day from here on out I hope you remember you are soooooo beautiful to me. So brave and courageous. I am so proud 🥹 of you and I don’t even know you. I am sobbing for you. The child who didn’t get to be a child. I am so infuriated nobody protected that child you were. How effing dare anyone strip a child of their innocence. It just breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I dont deserve kindness but ask for it anyway.

You deserve all the kindness you ask for and so much more you are not asking for. You deserve more than kindness. You deserve all of the love from everyone in the world. I hope you can feel the gratitude, love and kindness I am sending your way.

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
 
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As predicted I freaked out! 😃 I managed to hang on long enough not to remove it and then, went, oh good, that's there. Gonna never show my face again.
Been there. Done that. So, so many times.

Oftentimes? Literally. Like switching continents. Past couple decades I’ve mostly learned the exposed-exposed-exposed feeling usually passes after a few days, or a few weeks. Makes the 3/7/30 day bans for dysreg, make TOTAL sense. Oh. Right. This. Maybe it’s not just me?!? Who’d have thunk. Dagnabit. I hate being THIS cliche/predictable… but? That also means I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. This is a thing. That happens. Work around it. Kk. Will do.
 
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because it shows you are getting more trusting (.0002% instead of 0001%) with those of us around here
My friend told me about his experiences on the kibbutz and it always reminded me of how ppl have called me names and shit like I've heard probably everything you can call someone! Like Omar Khadr came to halifax and people protested him, saying he wasn't welcome, and I was the crazy mf yelling "Im ashamed of you, Im ashamed of being from this city!" in the background. I was the only one who counter protested.

It's why I feel so protective, and why so many of these primary sources on trauma and history piss me the f*ck off. Most ppl understand causality these days but like let's say I piss you off, I've had ppl react to that by lashing out at me. Also, I've had ppl react CLEARLY to stuff I've said but not to my face (hard to explain but I promise it actually was about me lmao).

Like they have a trauma response I guess or they view me as an abuser which is understandable. I have to take some of that on when I choose to be as open as I am about my experiences. This is why I have a hard time tho but you know. Let's say it did happen, and someone used it against me, well I'll survive. I know I will because I already have.

Lmao one time my friend called me brace belden which is like the funniest AND most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me. God I miss him lmao. Mf was like man this guy reminds me of Shayne! Snort. Only thing is, he's extremely cavalier about it and makes open jokes about it (he "accidentally did a war crime") whereas I have OCD and berate myself thousands of times a day :)

It's why I used to do CK at shul tho. Fun fact, in Star Trek, when the Klingons watch over the body, that actually comes from the process of tahara, where they are called shomrin or watchers, which comes from a tenet that people need to stand guard over the body until it is interred to protect against theft or vermin. It felt extremely necessary and it was a super rewarding experience.

If u study the torah, a met mitzvah (like, tending to someone who has no family) is the highest mitzvot oseh in the whole entire torah which overrides every other commandment that u are required to do, so clearly the understanding is apparent that honor and respect for the dead is paramount. I'm not good at the grief part or the comfort part but tahara came totally naturally to me.

I felt like it was some way that I could make up for what happened, and why the way that we treat our dead is so important. Technically this guy wouldnt have suffered any, the only real suffering in that equation was mine, but there are reasons why this stuff is a big deal because it is one of the oldest, earliest tenets of culture and civilization and intelligence.

Anywayz I'm just rambling
 
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