Questions On Opening Up? Can't Speak

[Marf]

Being able to talk about it will come in time. Try to be patient with yourself. I am glad that you have a therapist that you trust. Let her know the details anyway you can.

 

[Everhopeful]

Hello Ram85,
My first thought is that maybe your therapist first wants to help you feel safe, and help bring you to the point where you have stronger coping skills: self-soothing; better able to bear with strong psychological distress; feeling more grounded, before moving on to you sharing more of your trauma? The fact that you are thinking about wanting to start opening up more about the trauma, shows that you are slowly building up your psychological resilience. You will be able to speak about it in time.
I wish you all the best!

 

[digger]

Hi @Ram85

Firstly, no, it's not wrong to want to share the details, and the first thing I would suggest is to keep repeating that to yourself, that it's okay to be sharing this, because that may be one of the things holding your speech back.

I also want to say that the fear of breaking down/panicking in front of her is completely understandable, but again I would suggest repeating to yourself that she is a safe person, she won't judge you for it and if that happened, it's okay - even if it doesn't feel like you believe it, keep saying it to yourself.

Writing things down for her to read is a good starting point for getting things 'out there' that you want to be able to talk about. It will give her a better idea of what is going on in your head and how she can help you to talk about it.

Have you been able to tell her your fears about breaking down in front of her, or that you want to talk but can't? If not I would suggest writing this down for her too - my counsellor finds it helpful when I am able to do this as it helps her adjust her approach to things to make it easier.

I suffer from extreme bouts of muteness in sessions a lot of the time - it is like I am physically incapable of speaking. I find it incredibly frustrating because on an adult/intellectual level I know that it is safe and acceptable to talk but I am still unable to do so.

I have been working with my counsellor for just over a year and there are still sessions where I am literally unable to actually say (vocally) a single word to her. I am always surprised though by how much ends up getting said in these sessions anyway in different ways. It makes for a very slow process but I figure tiny steps forward are better than none at all.

The other thing I would say is to keep working hard on your grounding and coping skills and keep reminding yourself that when you are in the therapy room, you are safe, she is a safe person and it is okay to talk.

 

[digger]

She did suggest writing it down and then bringing it in to read it. I like that idea, but it's the same thing.

Is she suggesting that you read it aloud to her? or that she would read it? If so, would you want her to read it aloud or to herself? Do you want her to read it while you are there? When you are not there? - I have found it really important and helpful to establish this beforehand and my counsellor always checks with me first which it is that I need.

Personally, I am still not at a point where I can read out loud something that I have written and still disconnect too quickly when I hear her reading it out loud. If I have written something she will read it to herself, usually I am able to cope with being there when she does, but if it's something 'big' then I might ask her to read it once I've left and we can discuss at the next session.

 

[arfie]

In my own struggle with this I have come to think of my resistance to opening up as a barbed-wire fence. I am a very sensory thinker. Words without sensory translations do not compute in my organic computer. My visual for the freezes I experience while I am trying to open up is of banging my head on that barbed-wire fence. It is as unproductive as it is painful. I insert the visual of taking down the fence, complete with work gloves, a well-equipped tool box and assistance to keep the springy nature of barbed wire in check.

Works for me. I think. Hope you find what works for you, Ram.

 

[Hopeful85]

@Solara no I haven't, but it wouldn't hurt to try it. I look him up.

@Jane.l & @digger1 she says to journal them down and bring them in. She has asked me if she could read them, but to me that is harder. At least the act of sitting there while she reads them. Maybe not, having her read it after the session, I haven't thought about that. I want to read them, I really do want to find my voice. It's just so painful.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to try and bring this up to my therapist this week.

 

[mytai]

At least the act of sitting there while she reads them. Maybe not, having her read it after the session, I haven't thought about that. I want to read them, I really do want to find my voice. It's just so painful.

I've been there, and a lot of the times I still am. I started by not being able to say a word to her about anything because of my fear about crying in front of her, about breaking down, and about having flashbacks. I started out by writing a letter about that and letting her read it while I sat there. It was hard but it helped to build a lot of trust between us, and also strengthen the relationship.

Once we dealt with why I couldn't find my voice, I moved onto sharing about having body memories in her office. To me it was humiliating and embarrassing, but I wrote it down and shared it with her. She talked through it with me, and again it built more trust between us. I took steps in what I would share through writing, started with the less scary stuff. One session I brought in my journal and let her read about the memory that was associated with the body memories I kept having in her office.

We ended up really connecting that session. She got down on the floor with me and held my hand, and talked to me. Then the next session I ended up having a flashback in front of her, it caught me off guard, but she handled it amazingly, and again it built more trust.

Just recently, my first session in the new year, was I able to use my voice to say what happened to me over the holidays. That was the first time I didn't hand her a letter to get that out. I brought one as back up in case I could verbalize it, but I finally found my voice.

Take baby steps. Start out with discussing your fears around talking and having flashbacks. It helped me to know how she would handle it, we also discussed what I thought might help me, and what I thought wouldn't help me.

 

[Jane.l]

@mytai - if I could like your post twice I would

 

[Jane.l]

@Ram85 just wanted to tell you that today it happened !! I managed to speak a little. I had emailed my T an account of a flashback - he read it out loud because I couldn't and we managed to talk about it a little , major huge step for me - we did this outside - I think in his office I would just shut down, he was really careful to keep an eye on me and take a break to get me out when it was getting too much - I still dissociated and had a flashback but we got through.

Just wanted to tell you because even yesterday I would never have believed I could do that - hope it sends you a positive vibe

 

[Hopeful85]

@Jane.l that is so awesome!! Good job!

 

[WillowMarie]

Great job! You should be proud :) That is such a great accomplishment!