Quitting Therapy

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Laura 2 that's a good suggestion. I can't see them when using my phone, but maybe I'll figure it on the laptop lol. Night :-)

 

[Tinyflame]

Good luck @GWhizz , whatever you choose. You always have a choice. I just meant (for me personally) when I thought it best to avoid I was told was when I needed most not to. Logical, considering how bad we feel. But the goal is not increasing stress but rather working through it (despite the stress). Since letting it spiral in the name of avoiding stress can really end up with things getting even worse. .

Here's a hug for you. :) :hug:

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Junebug, hugs back :). Though a part of me is still wanting to back out, the logical side of me does know that I NEED to do this more than I need a break from it. I feel that she is looking out for me in saying it's not the best idea to break at the moment. She knows how little support I have with this (I do have an amazing partner but him not knowing about the sexual abuse means my T is the only person who knows).

Even though I knew I was always embarrassed about it and it would be really difficult to disclose, I never realised the full reality of the extent of my embarrassment at it all. What I wrote to her was as simplistic as I could keep it, with as little offensive language and a lot of words I couldn't even pen to paper, omitted.

Even at that, I am literally cringing at some of the sentences I wrote knowing she's read it. The guilt and the shame are what are tripping me up and perpetuating one another. I know everybody is going to say I have nothing to be embarrassed or guilty about etc.

But it IS embarrassing, shameful etc. I'm not one who even feels comfortable discussing my current healthy sex life. Trying to discuss incest and resultant medical/surgical issues with a relative stranger is so so so embarrassing. It also feels impossible to ever lift the resultant guilt from it all.

I accept it's not great to try to continue to avoid it. But any good tips on how to stop over analysing it 24/7 - I need to be able to focus on present life, work etc. I feel like I'm messing up everything. For example, I keep daydreaming off when with my partner and won't answer him until he gets my attention - I end up thinking so much I trigger myself into flashbacks etc. I know I cannot escape it (I have things I dissociated from coming back to me in bits, which means my mind is probably trying to process it whether I want to or not) but I need to be able to focus and engage with others as required.

 

[Alien Goodness]

From the outside, it looks as if your therapist knows what she's doing. I hope that what happens is that she focusses on giving you coping skills such as mindfulness, body awareness, breathing exercises and such like. Not focussing on your actual trauma as that is triggering. I find it very helpful that I now have a range of techniques I can draw upon when triggered, or close to being triggered. For example, I have been much more aware of early warning signals in my body - one is a ache in my jaw - that tells me to slow down and find some space, such as a warm bath in a locked bathroom.

 

[Tinyflame]

Very true point bout embarrassment etc @GWhizz .

They say with grief, set out an allotted period of time. But I think one step at a time, breaking responsibilities or needs or goals in to small steps. It's rough.

I think the point your T is perhaps trying to make is that it/'she' is a safe place/not something to be dreaded/ feared but the opposite.

:hug:

 

[Hashi]

Echoing @Alien Goodness, I think all the things you talk about are things to talk about with your therapist as well as here on the forum. These are the building blocks of therapy. Also, no therapist is a mind reader, although they might try! The more you can start opening up to her about your worries and struggles, big and small, the more the two of you can work together and make progress.

Good luck.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks guys.

Yes we have done mindfulness, breathing, personal space exercises etc. I guess I just need to try and be more focused at putting these skills to use when needed.

I just find it so hard to speak but I know she's not a mind reader of course, and like it was said before, 6 months isn't a huge amount of time so hopefully I will get better at expressing things as the relationship grows.

I do have to stop thinking of it as such a chore. Deep down I know it'll be worth the hard work.

You guys have helped me feel so much better. Here's hoping tomorrow goes okay 0:)!

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it will go fine @GWhizz . :tup: :hug:

 

[Hashi]

I guess I just need to try and be more focused at putting these skills to use when needed.

I would say - not just when needed. All the time. Practising when not needed, every day, lots of times, is the best way to be able to use them when needed.

 

[Tinyflame]

And add in whatever works for you, personally, whether it's 'conventional' or not.

 

[GWhizz]

I had gotten really good with mindfulness meditation etc but the last few weeks I just had no interest/energy for it. I definitely aim to pick up now where I last left off and build from it.

I'll update all of you tomorrow afternoon. Hoping I get some sleep :$ our baby has decided lately that 3am is the new 6am :-o:-/ yawn. Goodnight and thank you all again (I'm sorry to keep repeating my thanks but you have all genuinely gotten me through this week)

 

[GWhizz]

Well... Things didn't go great. Right now I'm going to try have a nap as I am mentally exhausted. I ended up getting really overwhelmed and nauseated, before I had to run off to the bathroom to be sick. I feel so done with it all. I had a panic attack in the car on the way home, had to pull in or I would have surely crashed. And whilst pulled in I began plotting ways to end it all. I rang my T but she was busy. I left her a voicemail which she may not even understand due to how panicked I was. I don't know should I get something from my GP to calm me down. I'm really afraid of myself. I don't like telling my partner how bad I feel (his brother in law commit suicide a while back and he's really not great at handling related issues at the moment), but I rang him next telling him I seriously wanted to do it. He talked me down for the meantime, managed to at least tell me to not do anything in the heat of the moment.

I hope I feel better after a nap if I can fall asleep. Because right now I feel it's my only option. I'm not strong enough to handle it anymore. I want out