R U Ok?

[Deleted member 1860]

In the grand scheme of things, yes, I am ok, but in this moment, I am not. I am proud of myself though. I reached out to three people today (before finding this post and what today is) so I am taking steps to be ok.... Texted with a friend, so I know he cares. My dog loves me, too (sometimes its the little things). Going to work in the garden; its always so relaxing and my dog loves to eat the veggies, so she's my little helper.

He's not ok. Two nights ago he sent me a text with a pic of his revolver. That night, the nightmares started. I never (and I do mean NEVER) have nightmares at night, so I know this is really affecting me. (My trauma was during the day so my nightmares are always when I nap, hence why I avoid napping like the plague.) They hyper empathy is kicking in. I want to be able to help him, but the truth is that he won't do anything to help himself. I know I can't save him. I know I can't do a damn thing for him. God knows I've already tried but I've been met with nothing but a dismissive wall of denial.

So ask that person if they are ok. Do everything you can to help them. But, if they won't do anything to help themselves, know that you have to let go.

 

[NovemberStar]

No, I'm not ok. Talking about it - telling other people has only left me feeling worse. I suppose I must have some expectation that telling others how badly I am feeling and how very low and hopeless I feel would somehow change it.

I've had extra support this week via a mobile respite team. I was honest with the woman who saw me yesterday. I told her life feels unbearable. I told her I get suicidal and struggle to see 'the point'. I told her I 'don't want to do this anymore'. I told her I dread the future, feel hopeless, have suicidal thoughts and don't see the point in living. I suppose I said all the things suicidal people say when feeling that bad and hopeless. Did it help? No. Did it change anything? No. She simply said she knows what it is like to feel that deeply depressed. I had to fill out a questionnaire - a mood guide - she didn't even look at it. She left. I was alone. Only, I felt so much worse for feeling another human being how low and desperate I am feeling, and it not change anything.

The thing I don't understand is this: they say if you feel suicidal to phone a help line. They say to take yourself to emergency services. But how does that help? I've done both when feeling very suicidal and all that happens is I get turned away to go home and keep on trying to cope by myself.

 

[Notsowild]

No I'm not okay. I feel I'm losing everyone I love because of this disorder. And if that happens there is no reason to live. There's a time to live and a time to die. When you're no use to anyone and you don't even like yourself. Then it is time. Not suicidal today but lots of thoughts about it.

 

[roaminggnome]

Today being a day of remembrance for me (9/11) I am happy to say that I am okay. I am happy to be alive.

 

[Seasounds]

@fly away home,

R U Ok?

Thank you, so much for the reminder, and the importance of, this question. Even as a social formality, it opens the door to empathy, and, perhaps, deeper conversations, that relieve suffering.

In reference to how you are, I'm sorry for your losses and suffering. I'm grateful that you have survived, and that you opened the conversation-linking asking 'how are you' and suicide. Anniversaries are natural times to continue healing.

Related to these topics, two things come to mind. In a piece of research that I have read, a mere letter in the mail, after treatment, saying 'we are thinking of you' (kind of like 'how are you') decreased suicides.

Secondly, with my close cousin, who committed suicide, I asked him, "How are you?", regularly, at family gatherings. Although he answered affirmatively, I could tell by his tense body language, that he wasn't okay. At the time, I (was a very timid person) didn't even think to gently challenge him; that could've made a difference. And, I did my best; forgiveness to myself, long past granted. Since his suicide anniversary is approaching, I'm grateful for your share, that has helped me continue healing from that trauma. :)


And to fully utilize the gesture of kindness, that you offer to me; honesty, rapport, and community.
My list:

1. Honesty--I am not okay. I'm amidst a big aggravation, that is a month old. Slowly getting better-can work but still collapse in off hours-due to the triggered helplessness and depression. I know I'll get through, as I have in the past; thank good DAs for supportive friends.
2. Due to increased clonazepam , I get migraine headaches. Parsing the effective dose out, throughout the day, and taking it with Excederin or Ibuprophen, is the only solution. (Already tried changing generics.) Last night, I took a bit more, thinking that I might tolerate it better, and I didn't. So I'm home, waiting for my migraine to mellow.
3. When my psychiatrist (very kind and thinking-centered), whom I was happy with, went on vacation, I worked with the substitute-that is an even better match for me. Unfortunately, the substitute is retiring. The good news is that I have feelers out for one (a counselor) like the substitute (very kind and heart-oriented.) in these aggravations, a safe heart space helps me the most. At other times I do appreciate the thinking strategies and cognitive re-framing.
4. I don't know about others, but triggered states baffle the best of Proivders. They have drugs, and compassion; but largely for me, I need time, and calming friends, and calming atmospheres. Providers are use to fixing, not 'being with suffering', until healing occurs (for me sometimes a year). When I see my psychiatrist get worried, I then am moved to remind him of my process and needs. He happily adjusts. That is the grace of our relationship-we do take each others's suggestions.

I hope you have a peaceful afternoon and evening. Your care made my day! :hug:

 

[fly away home]

Yea @TonyG these are the things which polarize people and make it pretty clear where people stand on the issue. It's a real shame that this immature and backward thinking is so wide spread.

@Solara, you are right. We cannot change people but we can offer support and know we have done or best. I have just been through this recently with a friend and it is particularly painful. I feel for you and your friend. I am glad you are ok for now.

@scout86 it's a question worth thinking about.

 

[fly away home]

@Jane.l offering you a gentle hug.....If that's ok. You are not alone. I hope the pain lifts soon for you. It is a difficult place to be.

 

[Philippa]

I actually find the question "are you ok" somewhat unhelpful in most situations. In my experience most people do not really want to hear how I feel. They want me to say "I'm fine thanks, and you?" and keep the thin facade of "okay-ness" intact, to prevent any uncomfortable sense of awkwardness when the reality of not being ok is relayed.

I used to tell people exactly how I felt and watch them all reel in awkward silence, pretending it never happened and moving on to the next moment with an air of relief.

Now I just say "I'm okay" even if I am not doing too well. My mother would forever complain about how I was ruining her happy day with my sadness and not okayness and didn't believe me when I was suicidal, so my tendency to tell anyone how i really feel is somewhat hesitant. I just don't think people really care how I feel. They want the social exchange of validating that everyone is ok even if they aren't....so for me, the whole "ask someone if they are ok' day is a bit lame...unless I am certain the person really does give a shit and wants to hear how I really am.