Random Aggressive Surfacing Of Non-traumatic Memories?

[Kintsugi]

I find this really bizarre and confusing. I have my own theories as to why this is happening, but I'm wondering if others have experienced this?

I keep remembering occurrences and people who are not necessarily linked to my trauma in any meaningful way. It's infecting my dreams, too. I keep dreaming about people from my past who may have had significance in my life but are not connected to my trauma in any direct sense.

What's really strange to me is that these memories are persistent and intrusive; it feels like the surfacing of my traumatic memories. They aren't flashbacks, but they are vivid, sudden, seemingly brought on by nothing in particular, and things I probably couldn't have recalled without being specifically prompted, or they are things I felt I'd totally forgotten.

I'm wondering if because my original and greatest trauma happened so early, if maybe my ability to process people and events is just jacked up. Some things are somewhat connected to traumatic instances or times of great distress, others are not.

Anyone?

 

[Abstract]

Not sure if this helps but https://www.myptsd.com/threads/positive-and-neutral-flashbacks.34599/#post-565613

 

[Kintsugi]

That does help, Abstract, in terms of some of the waking recollections I have. Some of them are flashback-like, but I don't experience the side effects I usually get with a flashback, and it is like insta-recollection: several minutes relived in a moment of vivid memory.

Then there are the dreams. This must just be how I process things I did not fully process before. The dreams remind me of the nightly dreams I had right after graduating from college. I would dream that I was sitting across a desk from an important professor in my life, and the professor would counsel me for hours, and we would talk about my future and my college life.

In these dreams, I have often long conversations with people from my past. Or, as was the case in one dream, I revisited the town a grew up in, and all of the people were the correct age for right now, even though I don't really know what they look like at this point at all.

The common theme of these dreams is a correction of some kind. Like in the dream about my town, I tried to viciously go after a highly predatory boy I used to know. In another, more recent dream, I have a long conversation with an ex-boyfriend where I apologize for how things went, decisions I made, and we talk about how things ended and reconcile very pleasantly.

The weird thing is that most of these dreams, in stark contrast to the regular nightmares I've been having, are very calming. My distress upon waking is mostly due to utter confusion for what has happened. And they tend to be very vivid, including details that I'd all but forgotten, either aesthetically or from past real conversation. I have a terrible sensual memory, especially tactile and visual, yet those senses are a big part of these dreams.

And then the memories... They feel very real and accurate like a flashback, but as I say I don't lose time and they are benign.

Eh. Sorry for rambling. This is just super weird and has been ongoing.

 

[Pietro]

I asked my therapist this exact question, once, and, according to her, it's likely that such flashbacks, even though they are not negative themselves, are likely associated with traumatic experiences somehow. For example, the positive flashback might be the memory just before the traumatic even happened -- you just haven't accessed the traumatic part yet.

You can also consider the theory behind how flashbacks work -- that they are fragments of unprocessed memory, and the reason they are unprocessed is because they were likely too overwhelming for your mind to process at the time they occurred. So, they either got left behind accidentally, or, more likely, were purposefully repressed in order to wait for another time when you'd be better able to deal with them.

If this theory is accurate, I supposed it's possible that there could be non-negative events in ones life that are overwhelming. I also believe that it's possible that fragments of memory do get left behind, unprocessed, accidentally from time to time. But, in general, it would seem that, if you have enough of these non-negative, unprocessed memories, there is more there than is currently being revealed to you.

This has actually been my experience, as well. Memories that I considered at least neutral have turned-out to be related to events that were traumatic. Kind of cruel, in a way, I think. But, then, I think this whole system sucks. ;)

 

[jmni]

That has happened with me too. I think that partially there could be a connection between the two events that is not yet realized at this point. For example there could be a similarity between the people involved in your trauma and the people in the neutral memories. Or it could be that your memory is hyper active and this is causing this and the ptsd; for whatever clinical reason. That's just a theory though.

 

[Pietro]

Oh, by the way, regarding dreams, my dreams have been much more the gateway to my memory recall and processing that waking flashbacks. Often, what I get as flashbacks are fragmentary glimpses of my dreams. It turns-out, though, that these dreams are often distortions of memories, and that, over time, what seemed like random places and objects suddenly fall into place in their "historical" context. The reason I know this is almost solely through the way these dreams and images feel -- in short, the feelings "match", like pieces of a puzzle that come together.

Hope this helps. I'd love to know if any of this resonates with you. I feel like an alien with this stuff, most of the time. :)

 

[Kintsugi]

You can also consider the theory behind how flashbacks work -- that they are fragments of unprocessed memory, and the reason they are unprocessed is because they were likely too overwhelming for your mind to process at the time they occurred.
...
If this theory is accurate, I supposed it's possible that there could be non-negative events in ones life that are overwhelming. I also believe that it's possible that fragments of memory do get left behind, unprocessed, accidentally from time to time. But, in general, it would seem that, if you have enough of these non-negative, unprocessed memories, there is more there than is currently being revealed to you.

I'm certainly resonating. Definitely a lot of these memories are from times in my life that were overwhelming or are connected to relationships that were somehow overwhelming. This all seemed to start with memories of a pedophile I knew for a long time as a child and who I considered a brother while I was growing up. He was best friends with my abuser, my actual brother, so you know, bam, connection to trauma, and then also lots of other things about my relationship with him most likely affected me in ways I still don't fully understand. I didn't know he was a pedophile until way later, but I did definitely recognize in some child way that his attention was not normal. And also that he was not really normal.

Kind of cruel, in a way, I think. But, then, I think this whole system sucks. ;)

Oh it is so bunk.

I tried to respond to your commentary on dreams, but I got lost in my own contemplation. Suffice to say, I do relate to much of what you've said.

 

[zaniara]

If this theory is accurate, I supposed it's possible that there could be non-negative events in ones life that are overwhelming. I also believe that it's possible that fragments of memory do get left behind, unprocessed, accidentally from time to time. But, in general, it would seem that, if you have enough of these non-negative, unprocessed memories, there is more there than is currently being revealed to you.

I can relate very much. And I think Pietro pretty much put Into words what I would have liked to express if I could have found the words my self.

I sort of knew this before, but then I somehow forgot about it. Being reminded of it now explains some things to me and the problems I have had the last two months with dissociation. I dissociate and "ends up" in a reality I lived in when I was a kid. But I don't get any "bad memories", and can only recall small fragments when "I'm back". But the small pieces I get is pretty harmless and even pleasant. It's been really confusing. And I remember other persons as well: like intrusive memories sort of. And places. But up till now it's only been pretty harmless and good memories. But still.. They are all from a part of my life(age 8-11) that I have had hardly NO memory from what so ever up till now. So I think that those "harmless memories" are really a "gateway" too worse memories.. it's like my brain is somehow "waking up" and letting small pieces of the life I lived back then come back.. (I know I was abused during that time.)

This explains too why I don't want to tell my therapist about the "good" memories either. I know that if I did the other stuff would probably start coming to the surface.. *sigh*

Thank you for writing about this. It helped me to read what you wrote. The human(and PTSD) brain is a strange thing..