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re-contacting my abuser

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mxmiserable

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so, i had the impulse to talk with her a couple of weeks ago, and eventually i asked for help to a friend so we could contact us (since i don't have social media and i made this account for the pure sake of talking with her). and we had kind of an argument as we always do and i ended up confessing that i just didn't want to give her details about how i feel like she abused me emotionally and sexually. she said i am lying and her intention is not invalidate my feelings but that what im saying is just not true. she said that she never had intentions or did take advantage of me or to insult me, and in her words, she "always tried to make me feel secure and comfortable", which is just.. not true. she also said that "the vision i have on her is delusional". now i feel like im lying, like somehow i managed to imagine everything in my head, im re-questioning everything I've lived on the past year since the sequels have been very bad for me and ugh, i feel like im drowning, like no one is ever going to believe me and like im unfairly accusing someone. i just really need a friend right now, if anyone is open to that. i don't wanna be alone, the suicidal thoughts are slowly returning to my head and im really scared for my life. i swear i would never make up something like that.. for what? for the sake of attention? what would i gain accusing someone of something as bad as that? i feel completely broken, just, please.. help.
 
That is a hard thing.

you haven’t made it up. Her lies are hers. Not yours to justify.

i would say it’s incredibly rare for an abuser to admit what they did. So , from my perspective, I am not surprised she’s turned it round on to you and lied and lied. A horrible thing for you to contend with. And not surprising it’s made you doubt yourself.
but you do know what she did. And you know that she is the liar, not you.

what do you usually do to ground yourself? Can you try that now?
 
when i estranged from my birth family, i would never have dreamed of asking for help with anything, not even for help with enjoying the nummiest cake ever baked. that fact hasn't changed since i officiated the estrangement with therapy guidance in 1977.

fast forward a few decades and my "estranged" son rehashes my unpardoned sins as interest on every loan and/or favor he demands. i put "estranged" in quotes because his estrangement is a matter of HIS convenience. so far as i can tell, he sees himself as pure victim. never the abuser. at 43, his life is still all mommy and daddy's fault. i suspect that forgiveness would still be unobtainable if i lived by **his** script for **my** life. i'm not sure that is even possible, so i let it go and call for help from the elder abuse network instead.

just venting. . . i sure wish i had easy answers for all of us trapped on this frantic not-so-merry-go-round of domestic abuse.
 
Please become informed before recontacting to an abuser. You will be setting yourself up for some real harm which may start with the deception of flowers, candy and kind words but ultimately wind itself up to all of the stages of the cycle of abuse. Why do we go back?No good outcome unless partner has gone through extensive therapy and that is rare. Be kind to yourself. Forget any guilt. You are worth more and so is your life. Serious accidents happen.
 
now i feel like im lying, like somehow i managed to imagine everything in my head, im re-questioning everything I've lived on the past year since the sequels have been very bad for me and ugh, i feel like im drowning,
Ok, she is lying. You do not have to accept that. Why would her opinion of you trump yours? I realize it can be very hurtful to have to listen to, but she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her. Take back your power. You know the truth. Don't waver because your abuser won't admit to it.
 
Ok, she is lying. You do not have to accept that. Why would her opinion of you trump yours? I realize it can be very hurtful to have to listen to, but she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her. Take back your power. You know the truth. Don't waver because your abuser won't admit to it.
This is where the cycle of abuse begins. Making you doubt your reality and you getting yourself in self blame. There is so much on the internet, counseling, groups . Like all of us it takes some real hard work to break these soul ties. But you have the support of so many of us former victims of abuse. Be kind to yourself. Self care is important you are worth it.
 
so, i had the impulse to talk with her a couple of weeks ago, and eventually i asked for help to a friend so we could contact us (since i don't have social media and i made this account for the pure sake of talking with her). and we had kind of an argument as we always do and i ended up confessing that i just didn't want to give her details about how i feel like she abused me emotionally and sexually. she said i am lying and her intention is not invalidate my feelings but that what im saying is just not true. she said that she never had intentions or did take advantage of me or to insult me, and in her words, she "always tried to make me feel secure and comfortable", which is just.. not true. she also said that "the vision i have on her is delusional". now i feel like im lying, like somehow i managed to imagine everything in my head, im re-questioning everything I've lived on the past year since the sequels have been very bad for me and ugh, i feel like im drowning, like no one is ever going to believe me and like im unfairly accusing someone. i just really need a friend right now, if anyone is open to that. i don't wanna be alone, the suicidal thoughts are slowly returning to my head and im really scared for my life. i swear i would never make up something like that.. for what? for the sake of attention? what would i gain accusing someone of something as bad as that? i feel completely broken, just, please.. help.
Like the others said, do your research before contacting your abuser or just try your best not too, it was really hard for me not to contact my ex after I decided to block them on all platforms, social media, phone everything. It was difficult at first, but the longer I wasn’t in communication with him the better I felt, now the thought of hearing from him makes my stomach drop and wanna throw up.

She is gaslighting you, this is a heavily played hand in an abusers handbook. What I’m reading sounds like she’s making feel like you’re making things up in your head and now you’re not sure what’s real and your second guessing yourself that is what gaslighting does. after I left and I started therapy there I realized that I was totally correct and justified in my feelings. abusive exes They make you feel like you’re going crazy when what you’re saying is true and they’re very manipulative. He would somehow manipulate me into thinking that I would make him late for work ….when we worked remote from home. Literally I would get out of bed and go downstairs to work. He’d stay upstairs in the office I would feed the dog and do every other damn thing, but the way he worded it made me feel horrible like it was my fault that’s… how crafty they are.

do not second-guess yourself, you are not lying. That’s why contacting your abuser is typically not a good idea. If you don’t go to one already , maybe seeing a therapist could help she made me aware of my codependency and how manipulated I was and how much he was gas lighting me.

I hate hearing you feel like this, because you sound like me when I first cut off contact. Again, I highly recommend seeing a counselor, especially if you’re having suicidal thoughts, but if you ever need someone to talk to you about your ex partner, who was abusive making you feel like you’re going crazy and questioning your own mind… I’m here.
 
That is a hard thing.

you haven’t made it up. Her lies are hers. Not yours to justify.

i would say it’s incredibly rare for an abuser to admit what they did. So , from my perspective, I am not surprised she’s turned it round on to you and lied and lied. A horrible thing for you to contend with. And not surprising it’s made you doubt yourself.
but you do know what she did. And you know that she is the liar, not you.

what do you usually do to ground yourself? Can you try that now?
Thank you so much for your words, you have no idea how much support I needed at the time and just reading that someone cared enough to reply and believe made me feel a thousand ways better. I feel better than the immediate after the incident, but I'm still struggling. I'm trying to practice my therapy manual and getting through ways to cope, as well as finding a therapist trauma-trained that will accommodate me better than I had at the time :)

Contacting abusers rarely goes well, as you have discovered.

You have no control over her. You do have control over yourself, so this is where you should begin. Re-block her.

We believe you. We support you. You did nothing wrong.
Your words might be shorter than other replies but they're very powerful and straight-forward — thanks for being here. <3

when i estranged from my birth family, i would never have dreamed of asking for help with anything, not even for help with enjoying the nummiest cake ever baked. that fact hasn't changed since i officiated the estrangement with therapy guidance in 1977.

fast forward a few decades and my "estranged" son rehashes my unpardoned sins as interest on every loan and/or favor he demands. i put "estranged" in quotes because his estrangement is a matter of HIS convenience. so far as i can tell, he sees himself as pure victim. never the abuser. at 43, his life is still all mommy and daddy's fault. i suspect that forgiveness would still be unobtainable if i lived by **his** script for **my** life. i'm not sure that is even possible, so i let it go and call for help from the elder abuse network instead.

just venting. . . i sure wish i had easy answers for all of us trapped on this frantic not-so-merry-go-round of domestic abuse.
what you say actually makes a lot of sense, especially the part where, you said, i quote "i suspect that forgiveness would still be unobtainable if i lived by his script for my life", that's exactly how i feel. it's nice to have someone relating. sending hugs. you're strong, we're strong, we got this. we are tougher than them. hope everything goes better for you nowadays <3 and if it's not that way, i hope better things come your way

Please become informed before recontacting to an abuser. You will be setting yourself up for some real harm which may start with the deception of flowers, candy and kind words but ultimately wind itself up to all of the stages of the cycle of abuse. Why do we go back?No good outcome unless partner has gone through extensive therapy and that is rare. Be kind to yourself. Forget any guilt. You are worth more and so is your life. Serious accidents happen.
Thank you :') I feel like I keep repeating myself around this whole thread but I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of support, something I'm not really used to (especially being relatively new around here). That's exactly how it went... Manipulation disguised as kindness, he really is the wolf in sheep's clothes. I wish I knew better back then, but I only have looking forward as an option. I'll try to be more forgiving of myself. Feel so understood and non-judged by this comment, something I definitely needed. <3 sending hugs
 
Ok, she is lying. You do not have to accept that. Why would her opinion of you trump yours? I realize it can be very hurtful to have to listen to, but she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her. Take back your power. You know the truth. Don't waver because your abuser won't admit to it.
You're right! i have to stay strong about how I lived things. I know the truth. I know what she did, she cannot take away that from me. I'll try to keep it in mind, thanks for your reply ^_^

This is where the cycle of abuse begins. Making you doubt your reality and you getting yourself in self blame. There is so much on the internet, counseling, groups . Like all of us it takes some real hard work to break these soul ties. But you have the support of so many of us former victims of abuse. Be kind to yourself. Self care is important you are worth it.
Thank you for your support and reminder. It's nice to know I have a whole community of people that I can feel safe with, relate to and that have my back. I like to believe so. I still have a long way to go and learn to untie myself, but it's all a process. I'm trying my best to take care of myself, I hope you do too!

Like the others said, do your research before contacting your abuser or just try your best not too, it was really hard for me not to contact my ex after I decided to block them on all platforms, social media, phone everything. It was difficult at first, but the longer I wasn’t in communication with him the better I felt, now the thought of hearing from him makes my stomach drop and wanna throw up.

She is gaslighting you, this is a heavily played hand in an abusers handbook. What I’m reading sounds like she’s making feel like you’re making things up in your head and now you’re not sure what’s real and your second guessing yourself that is what gaslighting does. after I left and I started therapy there I realized that I was totally correct and justified in my feelings. abusive exes They make you feel like you’re going crazy when what you’re saying is true and they’re very manipulative. He would somehow manipulate me into thinking that I would make him late for work ….when we worked remote from home. Literally I would get out of bed and go downstairs to work. He’d stay upstairs in the office I would feed the dog and do every other damn thing, but the way he worded it made me feel horrible like it was my fault that’s… how crafty they are.

do not second-guess yourself, you are not lying. That’s why contacting your abuser is typically not a good idea. If you don’t go to one already , maybe seeing a therapist could help she made me aware of my codependency and how manipulated I was and how much he was gas lighting me.

I hate hearing you feel like this, because you sound like me when I first cut off contact. Again, I highly recommend seeing a counselor, especially if you’re having suicidal thoughts, but if you ever need someone to talk to you about your ex partner, who was abusive making you feel like you’re going crazy and questioning your own mind… I’m here.
I'm really sorry you can relate and did go through something similar in the gaslighting situation. I even used to joke that she was the master of manipulation and the best person I've known at that. It was exactly that way, she told me my vision on her was clearly "distortioned" and that i was making her look like the bad guy of the story. i felt like i was losing my mind, like i was going crazy.

at the time of the post i was still with my past therapist but im currently looking a new one and booking a session asap so i can have a better focused-trauma treatment, since she (my last therapist) wasn't really helpful on the matter. though, I've made quite progress than when our relationship ended (almost one year ago). i am aware i still have a long way to go and tons of things to learn, but I am incredibly better than i used to be back then. i might not sound like i am, this event really felt like a "relapse" with my ex abusive relationship, but im looking forward to be better and take a lesson from this situation to never come back to it again. immense thanks for the offered help. im also working on the suicide topic that well, is a whole topic aside. but i firmly believe that with enough help and determination i can get better.
 
I'm really sorry you can relate and did go through something similar in the gaslighting situation. I even used to joke that she was the master of manipulation and the best person I've known at that. It was exactly that way, she told me my vision on her was clearly "distortioned" and that i was making her look like the bad guy of the story. i felt like i was losing my mind, like i was going crazy.

at the time of the post i was still with my past therapist but im currently looking a new one and booking a session asap so i can have a better focused-trauma treatment, since she (my last therapist) wasn't really helpful on the matter. though, I've made quite progress than when our relationship ended (almost one year ago). i am aware i still have a long way to go and tons of things to learn, but I am incredibly better than i used to be back then. i might not sound like i am, this event really felt like a "relapse" with my ex abusive relationship, but im looking forward to be better and take a lesson from this situation to never come back to it again. immense thanks for the offered help. im also working on the suicide topic that well, is a whole topic aside. but i firmly believe that with enough help and determination i can get better.
I’m happy to hear this you sound like you’re excited to get help and you want to get help and I can attest to feeling the same way. Writing about any sort of events or feelings during those times I found very therapeutic. You’re taking control and that’s amazing. Keep that attitude up! ☺️

I thought about writing a piece related to suicide as well. It would be about my ex constantly threatening suicide to keep me trapped. I don’t know if it will be a venting piece or part of my journal or an open discussion.

i’m not a great writer, so I feel like I end up riding writing things that people have a hard time commenting on or maybe I’m being too hard on myself and not giving people long enough time to comment …I can be impatient sometimes lol.

Anyway, it’s great to hear all these positives, keep it up. I’m sure we’ll talk again on here soon!
 
Thank you :') I feel like I keep repeating myself around this whole thread but I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of support, something I'm not really used to (especially being relatively new around here). That's exactly how it went... Manipulation disguised as kindness, he really is the wolf in sheep's clothes. I wish I knew better back then, but I only have looking forward as an option. I'll try to be more forgiving of myself. Feel so understood and non-judged.

I fell asleep writing to you. Ugh. It is 2:00 a.m.! Hope this makes sense. I joined a support group Of abused women. Every community has them. As I listened to the stories it was as if they were sharing my story. There is something almost textbook about abuse and the cycle of abuse. It was as if knowing the truth gave me a little courage but I fell back into denial. Like almost being hypnotized. The fact that most women will return 3 times seems to be about right. I did and it escalated to violence. That was the final situation and I survived and decided this was not how I wanted live life. one of the most lovely girls in the group did not make it and struck her head against a fireplace. Best to you.

One last thing. I had a therapist tell me which was a warning sign. If you see that stranger across a crowded room. And the lights go off and you are drawn like a moth to fire RUN like hell. You are probably plugging into something unhealthy. We tend to be drawn to abusers again and again and need to become discerning. It becomes familiar and we and they attract each other. The other thing I remember is abused women, could be men,are some of the nicest people you would ever meet….
 
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