So just as I improved and thought I was finally getting over my PTSD, I had another series of traumatic experiences that has be up with fully blown anxiety and panic, and agoraphobia. It's rearing it's head horribly. Feel free to skip to the part where I describe the symptoms if you want...
My husband decided to quit his 32,000 dollar a year prison job, and move me out to California in a car while 7 months pregnant. The whole ride was physically straining, scary, got pulled over by a nasty mean cop with an attitude in Arizona (long story), and then went to stay with his brother.
So when we got here, apparently the both of us found out that his brother is insane and has really bad OCD and rage issues. His wife is pregnant too, off celexa, and struggling with her emotions.
We got yelled at for everything during our 2-3 week stay with them. Hang your keys here, no cups, turn the forks this way, flush twice, spray three times, don't talk, you're not talking enough, don't eat out "it's unhealthy" "It makes you disgusting", but don't cook here "You are f*king slobs" *As I wash all dishes, including their lunchtime dishes and ice cream bowl*.
It got to the point where we were out every single day just to get away, yet the one night we came home they blew up on us and told us how "lazy, inconsiderate, and dirty" we are and suggested we get a hotel when we were supposed to move into an apartment next two them in 2 days.
1. I am meticulous and did all I could do, in fact I did more than they did on a daily basis by wiping down the stainless steel every day and spraying the counters. 2. We tried to NEVER be there. It got to the point where they blamed their own messes on us even though we were out all day. 3. We walked their dog, fed the cats, bought them groceries...
Anyway, then we had landlord issues. I don't know what the hell happened there, but all of a sudden our move in on the first became a move in on the 5th. The landlord didn't seem to care that we now had nowhere to live and that she said she'd have us in on the 1st. I called her management, who referred me to her. I called again, referred to her. Called again, finally management, my husband says "No worries it's sorted out" and hangs up. He hates confrontation. So, onward to living out of a car because his brother bankrupt us by making us eat out everyday to avoid his wrath and anger. I assumed because his brother is friends with the landlord and just installed an $2000 automated house system for them (and the landlord bought them champagne and hors d'oeuvres) that they said something to the landlord to make her and her husband hate us. Then, we traded our car in (hubbys idea, despite my counsel, to get the first car he saw without knowing anything about it. Putting down our last $1000, too. Not reducing our payment like discussed in the idea of trading in. Getting a gus guzzling car that costs $80 a tank.) Oh the best part yet, wait! A lemon that broke down on the PCH in laguna and we had to have it towed. Then, the same day... we run into one of my husband's leechy friends from PA (How the hell did he get here? Great minds think a-like?) Oh, conveniently, leechy friend got kicked out of his condo and decides to crash with us. Then "the men" decide on motel 6 with crack fiends and hookers all around.
Then, leechy "helps us move" into our apartment, puts bad ideas in my hubby's head about getting dirty used fridges and couches to outfit our apartment off craigslist, and shit talks me has him fighting me every day. They go against my advice and get a fridge. They pick up groceries for it too then. I open it to put away stuff, and lord himself could not prepare me for what I saw. A scuzzy fridge that looks like a body was dismembered in it. It smelled like feces and urine and was sloshed with beef blood. They didn't want to clean it. So, I spend my entire night cleaning, beaching, scrubbing, while they play video games. I finish at 3 am, and then put away the groceries by myself. They insist it's the best fridge in the world. I'm ready to slay some heads off at this point. I'm germophobic.
Still fighting every day, catch my husband up late playing video games and watching porn, I thought I saw him on a dating site too but I'm not sure. I confronted him and he blew up on me and went on about how horrible a person I am and how I accuse him. Tells me he met a girl at college he wanted to f*ck and now that I've totally crossed the line with him he's going to do it. Then he tells me he made it up. Then he says if I go into labor he will drop me off at the hospital and leave me by myself.
Then, his OCD insane brother installed a video camera facing our door (and now more recent, one facing our car), they left the food they didn't like(but kept the waffles, expensive food, ect) and the spoiled food at our door, and left a note with it saying "I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU SPENT ON GROCERIES, SO HERE THEY ARE" and then another the next day with more food saying "HERE IS THE REST OF YOUR FOOD" and then they left our mail in a bag on our door with "WRONG ADDRESS" written on it so deep it went through onto the page behind it. a few days later they left our mail on the ground out front of our apartment, too. We tried to talk to the landlord but she didn't SEEM to care at first, (now is different, i think) and we wanted to put in a 30 day, but we had changed our mind because I'm due any minute any day now. I figured "I will suck this up for the welfare of my child" But then, the landlord kind of forced it on us. I'm assuming she found some other tenant to fill our lease, and my husband possibly didn't argue it... I don't know which.
This freaked me out and sent me into labor, on top of being dehydrated and hungry from not eating or drinking because we're that poor, and I ended up in the hospital with no insurance(i was inbetween with medi-CAL and PA medicaid and social security, because state workers can't fill out forms and addresses properly), and they told me I also have a severe bladder infection. They stopped the dehydration and bladder infection and my contractions stopped. I told hubby to kick his rat friend out so thankfully he's gone, but turns out the flight we suggested he take back to PA (we dropped him off at LAX) to go to his army unit in PA. Did I mention he deserted his army unit?! Yea, he went AWOL and moved to cali without informing his unit. Well he ditched the flight and went off to Santa Barbara. He better not come back to us or I will report his to the authorities.
So now, we are totally broke. Our lease is up 8/1/2012. i'm giving birth and i have to move again. no support system. our son is in pa with grandpa. i'm so scared he wont bring our son out. he was supposed to bring him the first week we were out here, but now I've been apart from him for 2 months. I guess that's better, its been traumatic and I wouldn't want my son around all this. My heart hurts being so far away. I'm scared of OC, California, the traffic, the different lifestyle, i'm the minority where we are, and I don't speak Spanish. I found a gigantic black cockroach yesterday...great. I hate bugs. I'm so traumatized, confused, disoriented. I tried to get my husband to go to the VA for his adjustment disorder, but he picked a fight on me to avoid it and won't call the vet center back. They were going to cover my therapy and medicine...guess not any more.
I want to accept defeat, roll over, and die. I feel like life totaled me. I keep asking, "What's next?" I wanted to kill myself but I can't because I have life inside of me. That's not fair to her. In fact..It's not fair to my son or husband either. I feel so hopeless. I don't even have enough power in my own hands to take my very own life. I feel selfish and rude for wanting to die. Everyone else is in control of what I do. Anxiety is in control of what I do. I can't resist it anymore.
I just want normalcy. I find myself feeling like a degenerate in public because I stutter and can't think when I speak. I lose where I was at and what I was saying and thinking after 2 words every time. Everything is word-salad. I had a complete mental breakdown and was on the floor having a flashback dumping out tissues, drooling, and folding them to put back into a neat pile. When I snapped out of it I didn't know where I was. I was sucking my thumb with a teddy bear in my bed.
I am afraid to be 3 ft away from someone, I feel like the world is watching me and listening to everything I say. My body is in agonizing pain every day, so much so that I can't move. I don't know what to do any more.
My husband decided to quit his 32,000 dollar a year prison job, and move me out to California in a car while 7 months pregnant. The whole ride was physically straining, scary, got pulled over by a nasty mean cop with an attitude in Arizona (long story), and then went to stay with his brother.
So when we got here, apparently the both of us found out that his brother is insane and has really bad OCD and rage issues. His wife is pregnant too, off celexa, and struggling with her emotions.
We got yelled at for everything during our 2-3 week stay with them. Hang your keys here, no cups, turn the forks this way, flush twice, spray three times, don't talk, you're not talking enough, don't eat out "it's unhealthy" "It makes you disgusting", but don't cook here "You are f*king slobs" *As I wash all dishes, including their lunchtime dishes and ice cream bowl*.
It got to the point where we were out every single day just to get away, yet the one night we came home they blew up on us and told us how "lazy, inconsiderate, and dirty" we are and suggested we get a hotel when we were supposed to move into an apartment next two them in 2 days.
1. I am meticulous and did all I could do, in fact I did more than they did on a daily basis by wiping down the stainless steel every day and spraying the counters. 2. We tried to NEVER be there. It got to the point where they blamed their own messes on us even though we were out all day. 3. We walked their dog, fed the cats, bought them groceries...
Anyway, then we had landlord issues. I don't know what the hell happened there, but all of a sudden our move in on the first became a move in on the 5th. The landlord didn't seem to care that we now had nowhere to live and that she said she'd have us in on the 1st. I called her management, who referred me to her. I called again, referred to her. Called again, finally management, my husband says "No worries it's sorted out" and hangs up. He hates confrontation. So, onward to living out of a car because his brother bankrupt us by making us eat out everyday to avoid his wrath and anger. I assumed because his brother is friends with the landlord and just installed an $2000 automated house system for them (and the landlord bought them champagne and hors d'oeuvres) that they said something to the landlord to make her and her husband hate us. Then, we traded our car in (hubbys idea, despite my counsel, to get the first car he saw without knowing anything about it. Putting down our last $1000, too. Not reducing our payment like discussed in the idea of trading in. Getting a gus guzzling car that costs $80 a tank.) Oh the best part yet, wait! A lemon that broke down on the PCH in laguna and we had to have it towed. Then, the same day... we run into one of my husband's leechy friends from PA (How the hell did he get here? Great minds think a-like?) Oh, conveniently, leechy friend got kicked out of his condo and decides to crash with us. Then "the men" decide on motel 6 with crack fiends and hookers all around.
Then, leechy "helps us move" into our apartment, puts bad ideas in my hubby's head about getting dirty used fridges and couches to outfit our apartment off craigslist, and shit talks me has him fighting me every day. They go against my advice and get a fridge. They pick up groceries for it too then. I open it to put away stuff, and lord himself could not prepare me for what I saw. A scuzzy fridge that looks like a body was dismembered in it. It smelled like feces and urine and was sloshed with beef blood. They didn't want to clean it. So, I spend my entire night cleaning, beaching, scrubbing, while they play video games. I finish at 3 am, and then put away the groceries by myself. They insist it's the best fridge in the world. I'm ready to slay some heads off at this point. I'm germophobic.
Still fighting every day, catch my husband up late playing video games and watching porn, I thought I saw him on a dating site too but I'm not sure. I confronted him and he blew up on me and went on about how horrible a person I am and how I accuse him. Tells me he met a girl at college he wanted to f*ck and now that I've totally crossed the line with him he's going to do it. Then he tells me he made it up. Then he says if I go into labor he will drop me off at the hospital and leave me by myself.
Then, his OCD insane brother installed a video camera facing our door (and now more recent, one facing our car), they left the food they didn't like(but kept the waffles, expensive food, ect) and the spoiled food at our door, and left a note with it saying "I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU SPENT ON GROCERIES, SO HERE THEY ARE" and then another the next day with more food saying "HERE IS THE REST OF YOUR FOOD" and then they left our mail in a bag on our door with "WRONG ADDRESS" written on it so deep it went through onto the page behind it. a few days later they left our mail on the ground out front of our apartment, too. We tried to talk to the landlord but she didn't SEEM to care at first, (now is different, i think) and we wanted to put in a 30 day, but we had changed our mind because I'm due any minute any day now. I figured "I will suck this up for the welfare of my child" But then, the landlord kind of forced it on us. I'm assuming she found some other tenant to fill our lease, and my husband possibly didn't argue it... I don't know which.
This freaked me out and sent me into labor, on top of being dehydrated and hungry from not eating or drinking because we're that poor, and I ended up in the hospital with no insurance(i was inbetween with medi-CAL and PA medicaid and social security, because state workers can't fill out forms and addresses properly), and they told me I also have a severe bladder infection. They stopped the dehydration and bladder infection and my contractions stopped. I told hubby to kick his rat friend out so thankfully he's gone, but turns out the flight we suggested he take back to PA (we dropped him off at LAX) to go to his army unit in PA. Did I mention he deserted his army unit?! Yea, he went AWOL and moved to cali without informing his unit. Well he ditched the flight and went off to Santa Barbara. He better not come back to us or I will report his to the authorities.
So now, we are totally broke. Our lease is up 8/1/2012. i'm giving birth and i have to move again. no support system. our son is in pa with grandpa. i'm so scared he wont bring our son out. he was supposed to bring him the first week we were out here, but now I've been apart from him for 2 months. I guess that's better, its been traumatic and I wouldn't want my son around all this. My heart hurts being so far away. I'm scared of OC, California, the traffic, the different lifestyle, i'm the minority where we are, and I don't speak Spanish. I found a gigantic black cockroach yesterday...great. I hate bugs. I'm so traumatized, confused, disoriented. I tried to get my husband to go to the VA for his adjustment disorder, but he picked a fight on me to avoid it and won't call the vet center back. They were going to cover my therapy and medicine...guess not any more.
I want to accept defeat, roll over, and die. I feel like life totaled me. I keep asking, "What's next?" I wanted to kill myself but I can't because I have life inside of me. That's not fair to her. In fact..It's not fair to my son or husband either. I feel so hopeless. I don't even have enough power in my own hands to take my very own life. I feel selfish and rude for wanting to die. Everyone else is in control of what I do. Anxiety is in control of what I do. I can't resist it anymore.
I just want normalcy. I find myself feeling like a degenerate in public because I stutter and can't think when I speak. I lose where I was at and what I was saying and thinking after 2 words every time. Everything is word-salad. I had a complete mental breakdown and was on the floor having a flashback dumping out tissues, drooling, and folding them to put back into a neat pile. When I snapped out of it I didn't know where I was. I was sucking my thumb with a teddy bear in my bed.
I am afraid to be 3 ft away from someone, I feel like the world is watching me and listening to everything I say. My body is in agonizing pain every day, so much so that I can't move. I don't know what to do any more.
