Re-parenting Ourselves.

[Ice_Fire]

I'm at the beginning stages of working all this 're-parenting' stuff out too. I caught myself telling myself some awful things. I think I've been doing it a long long time, perpetuating the abuse of my parents and the bullying of my school 'friends'.

Struggling with the positive self-talk thing though. I feel stupid and silly for trying to do it (be nice to myself that is) which, of course, is negative and makes things even worse.

So then I get upset and I guess the 'inner child' bit is scared and believes I am/she is horrible and stupid and worthless all over again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am just getting in touch with how much bad I internalized and believed about how bad I was as they told me that. That was the reality I grew up with. Everytime I take a risk to do something good for me my inner child gets scared and wants to stop me so I do not get hurt.

Somehow I need to learn to comfort my inner child and convince her that we are no longer being abused.I find it very hard with all the bad stuff I believe about myself.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. You have grown and are doing amazing things Rose. I think this must terrify your inner child because it was a rule that you were not allowed to do things like that when you were being abused. Big hugs.

 

[Ice_Fire]

That was the reality I grew up with. Everytime I take a risk to do something good for me my inner child gets scared and wants to stop me so I do not get hurt.

(((((Gizmo))))) Snap, sadly. That was my reality growing up (as you know) and yes, I think when I try to be nice to myself, my inner child's reaction is to stop it, as being kind and nurturing myself is dangerous.

You've hit on a very good point Gizmo, I did literally have 'rules' to follow that basically resulted in me making myself feel worse/not doing things I wanted to, or things that would've helped me both emotionally and cognitively. If I didn't do that, if I tried to make things better for myself, I would be punished.

Just realised how sad that is. :cry: No wonder Little Rose is scared...

 

[Philippa]

I have purchased a subliminal download for positive self-talk. I'm listening to it right now. It just sounds like the ocean, so you can't hear the subconscious messages it is sending into my mind and I don't know if it is having any real effect, but I guess in a few days or maybe a couple of weeks it might be more noticeable.

I'll keep you informed about how it is working or not!

 

[Rumors]

Rightkindofme,
Your post resonates through my soul. I feel the same way about many things. Thanks for putting it into such eloquent words.

 

[Philippa]

I also did a drawing of my inner mother, with my inner child hiding behind her skirt. I keep her next to my bed so I can always see that she is there. I have an affirmation that goes: I honor my Inner Mother, and nurture my Spirit and my feelings.

 

[raven123]

Found this on a blog a while back. Forget where.

"nexpected challenges is called stable internal happiness. Some of us are lucky enough to develop it early in life. But if (like most of us) you're still working on how to do that, consider remedial parenting.

Remedial just means "improving skills," and most of us need to improve our internal self-management skills, which is the way we "parent" ourselves. That's right, you're not only parenting your child every day -- You're parenting yourself. You carry a parent around in your head, coaching you through your day.
Unfortunately, sometimes that inner parent is more like an inner critic. If you want to show up as an inspired parent for your child, you have to transform that parent in your head, too.
And most of us need some remedial practice to learn the skills that help us maintain our equilibrium in the face of life's ups and downs. How?

1. Talk to yourself like someone you adore. Instead of berating, nurture. "You are more than enough, just the way you are...You can do it!...You Go Girl!"

2. Notice when negative thoughts hijack your mind and protect yourself by setting the story straight: "Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright....You don't have to be perfect.... Two steps forward, one step back still takes you in the right direction."

3. When negative feelings come up, hold your hand through them, like a nurturing parent. Simply breathing and accepting sadness or hurt is the best way to let those feelings go. If we can't do that, we fend them off by acting out in anger. Resist the urge to take action when you're upset. Instead, love yourself through your upset: "Breathe. It's just sadness. Go ahead and cry. Everything will look different tomorrow." 



You deserve a parent who nurtures you through life. And when you show up this way for yourself, you're more able to show up this way for your child. The result? She'll carry your loving voice in her head for the rest of her life.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

 

[Philippa]

I liked that raven123...thanks for posting this.

As far as my subliminal download is going...it's been about a week and a half...maybe more (I'm bad with time passing.:D)...I feel like it has had an effect on me, and I am talking to myself in a nicer way, without it being contrived...I seem to just do it more naturally now than before. I'm pretty happy with it so far...see how I am in 2 more weeks from now...

 

[Lucycat]

I too have done work on parenting my inner child. It was really difficult at first but I soon got the hang of it.

T wanted me to identify a loving person from my childhood, who would comfort me when I needed it. Sadly the only person I could think of was a beloved uncle who died young when I was about 10 years old. My other uncles, aunts and grandparents were never the sort to give me a hug or a kiss. I was never told as a child that I was loved.

So, as I had no historical parent figure to help with my inner child work, I chose my beloved sister in law, Liz. She is somewhat older than me and I look upon her as a mother figure. She tells me every time she speaks to me that she loves me, and she will always hug when we meet - which is rare as she is on the other side of the world.

Having her in place as my 'new mother' helped tremendously with the inner child work. Liz, has no idea she is even a part of this - it seems too weird to explain to her. So T would ask what my inner child needed from Liz, what comfort or support she needs etc.

I must add that I am not fortunate enough to be a parent myself. So my real-life experience is zero. I was not parented well myself and have not had the opportunity of learning it hands on. This idea of identifying a new and loving Mum has worked wonders. T has said I am the first he has done it this way, but has used the same with others since with the same good results.

 

[Philippa]

I think it's best to learn to parent ourselves if possible, before having children so we are then in a better position to know how to nurture ourselves AND our children, and to have better boundaries when it comes to knowing when we need to be a bit selfish and care for ourselves first. If we don't then how can we have anything to give to our brood?

That's not to say that people who do not learn to do this before having children cannot be excellent mothers as well...just that I personally think this is the better way to go...for me anyway. I may never have kids. I'm 38 and at this rate, it might not happen, but I'm not really a breeder anyhow. I have my kitten, and she is my baby, and I have my creative projects and they are my babies. If I ever do have children then hopefully I will be in a better position to give them what they need.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Raven thank you very much for posting that. It was really helpful to me. I will use those in myself. I am just becoming aware of how cruel and harsh the inner critic is and how my inner child believes it. I am going to really practice being nurturing to myself.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think parenting my sister, and sometimes my mother, left me with a bitter feeling of having to be responsible for anyone else. I broke up with a boyfriend because he was too dependent on me. I didn't want to parent anyone but my children even though I didn't know if I wanted to be a parent.

However, even knowing that I wasn't sure, I found a man that I knew would be a good father. That really mattered to me, that he would be a good dad.

Before I had kids, my mother said I would parent just like her, including the bad parts. Horrifying and left me in tears. When I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 29, my step mother said now you know how it will be to have a child. It was a dig because I use to write letters to my dad about the pain I was in due to him. Which, btw, she said she kept so she could show me when I was older how mean I was to him and how "selfish" I was.

I did lose it once or twice with my children, when they were little, where I spanked them. I ended up totally sobbing and I haven't done it since. I choose not to because I am afraid that I will go crazy on them like my mom did to me. I didn't want to lose control. Now I can't imagine spanking, and my children still seem to have turned into fairly unselfish and respectful individuals, despite being in their teens.

My mother was wrong. My stepmother was wrong. If anything, my children taught me that my parents were adults and I was a child. They had a responsibility to protect me and take care of me when I hurt. My children showed me what it should have been like to be a child. They have taught me that I didn't have to carry the abusive behaviors of my family.

If anything, I think I stopped parenting myself. I was rather harsh on myself. I choose to parent my children, with my husband, instead of focusing on parenting myself. My boys have taught me how to be a child, but I am still their parent, not mine. It feels good to focus my parenting on them and no one else. I guess I accomplished one thing that I set out to do since I was young.

None of my family thinks my way of parenting is good. They believe I should spank, hit, be what I would say, is verbally abusive. That's what they do with their children and feel their children are better for it. Funny that I'm not that way and my boys are still good kids. I'm not perfect, but at least my children don't flinch when I'm mad!
Sorry for my rant...all to say that I don't believe I'm parenting myself, nor do I want to. Jeesh I talk(write) a lot!