Reached a point where Im Extremely concerned for the safety of others, want to report my abuser to the police. help/advice/personal experiences wanted

[Surefoot]

Hey @Sweetleaf - I agree with @Freida - you must be very methodical and cool when you do this. Easier said than done I understand, but you will achieve nothing by being panicked or wanting revenge. Though I don't blame you for being either.

In fact you could do yourself and possibly other's a lot of harm if you do not calm down and do it quietly and properly.

There are a lot of things to do and reporting a crime is just the beginning of the process not the end. You really need a legal advocate to sit down and spell out the process before you begin. It is definitely a marathon and might take many years to resolve. Are you willing to have this matter hanging over you for up to a decade? Once you report it and an investigation commences you have no say in how it is conducted. You have to know and understand that the law is extremely slow even when working well.

You are 100% correct about the possibility that he may fight like hell to avoid the charges sticking. Any decent defence lawyer and judge will ensure the bastard gets a 'fair' hearing and a proper & adequate defence. It's the system so you need to understand this and accept it.

How long ago was the trauma you talk of ^^ ? How long ago was the hearing regarding the Order you speak of ^^?

A respondent admitting things in one Court doesn't necessarily provide proof to substantiate a charge in another. But it would not hurt to inform the investigating officer that this evidence exists.

You also need to be careful about any further statements you make here and in other places, to other people and online. If you describe something that happened one way (eg here) and describe it slightly differently in another place, online or otherwise or to another person, the defence will exploit the difference if they become aware of it.

For now you need to discuss your intention to proceed with your loved ones and your doctors and T. You are going to need all of them to help support you through this.

And of course we will support you as you go along. :hug:

Blackemerald1, Your advice and guidance is quite sound. Though this forum is a good place for feedback, it could indeed be used by the defence should it end up in court. I believe the key thought I have is expedience. Waiting to seek support from the different agencies available for protection is not an option. Sweatleaf, Be focused and get yourself out of this persons presence. In this day and time, there is help. Be safe.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Honestly at this point, I dont give a f*ck about my abuser. Not even thinking of him. Dont give a f*ck about pressing charges.

Right now, to me, he is a fart in the wind.

All I can think of right now is that my mom is actually very abusive, my WHOLE f*ckING LIFE SAVE FOR A FEW YEARS OR SO!!!!!!!!!! HAS BEEN TRAUMA!!! Lots of manipulation etc.

And I just realized it.

So yeah.

Lil bit not giving a f*ck about my abuser.

I'm focused on getting the f*ck out of here ASAP!!!!!!!!!!! Because I live with her. Packed a 72 hour bug out bag in under 15 minutes. Go me. But I am hella panicking. Cant even tell if I'm manic but, this feels heavily panicky like PTSD screaming at me to run run RUN!!!

 

[Freida]

But I am hella panicking. Cant even tell if I'm manic but, this feels heavily panicky like PTSD screaming at me to run run RUN!!!

PTSD makes me want to run (Yea, I know, not breaking news.)
Mania makes a friend of my want to run when - and calls me to help her stay put
Having both ptsd and mania? Yea....put your car keys in the freezer so you have to thaw them out to leave..cause...damn. :hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida right now I would defend my car keys with my life. Hahahahahahaha. Not literally but...

I was invited down anyway Monday and tuesday... to a place nearish, like halfway there. I could make it a camping trip and I know the area and have adequate skills and bear protection.

Can I just like, go camping?

Edit: Also, I am about to sleep so. Maybe tomorrow I'll have calmed down.

 

[Abstract]

So sorry Sweatleaf. I remember when I had that realisation and am still in the process of unlayering it. It is like the kaliedoscope shifting isn't?

Its not great you live with her. Can you go somewhere for a few days and think through a calm plan of action? Its best to do these things with a cool head rather than a triggered one. Do lots of self care if you can.

 

[Freida]

I was invited down anyway Monday andyes tuesday... to a place nearish, like halfway there. I could make it a camping trip and I know the area and have adequate skills and bear protection.
Can I just like, go camping?

yes! this is a perfect idea!! someplace quiet where you can be prepared to stay a couple days and be able to think and breathe

 

[Sweetleaf]

I want to visit the village I used to live in. I had no memories there that were truly bad, and a whole lot of f*cking rad memories there...

Also the place is just f*ckin beautiful

Aaaaaand my bug out bag is basically a "hey you can go camping any time you want instantly without having to pack!" bag. That's probably going to mainly be what it gets used for. A tool for camping :)

But it's also there to give me time to think and get myself away from an abuser, who I live with, if I need to and have no other option.

I have a car, it's a pretty nice car IMO. Over 300 miles on a tank of gas, efficient, lightweight. Maximum speed I've gone with it in the past, is around 118mph or so. I didn't feel comfortable pushing it any faster, but apparently the max speed for my car is 138mph or so.

edit: in regards to my car, it's basically an economical (in regards to gasoline usage) vehicle that wishes it was a sports car and is trying its absolute hardest to be a sports car. It's even like, racecar red and shit. It literally has a f*cking pipe that makes the engine's sound be extra loud in the cabin, and I love its engine sounds. Also, it performs best when you floor it until you reach the desired speed (because if you don't, sometimes the clutch slips and stuff - most people have that going on with their model of my car, likely because they drive it gentle IMO haha). I f*cking -love- that about it. It doesn't want you to be gentle with it - and I love that about it. It's a little car but satisfies my "i wish I had a super fast car" feelings. Lol.

I do usually follow the speed limit for safety though.

But, I think everyone has a little fun now and then. I certainly have had my fair share in the past. Also seen the horrifying wrecks that can happen when you drive unsafely. So I don't really like doing shit like that anymore. 10mph, 20mph over the speed limit depending on the area, is one thing... but like, doubling the speed limit with your velocity is a horrible idea. i.e., driving 80, 90, 100, 120+mph if you're on the roads we have here.

I wish we had some shit like the Autobahn here, lmao.

At least I got to enjoy that fun as a passenger in a f*ckin' mercedes convertible, that my host family had because the father worked high up at the Mercedes factory/headquarters nearby. Every month he would have a different car that they would have him use, in order to test it and give his feedback - something they did with many employees.

I loved the smile on his face before he pressed down the accelerator, once we got off of the on ramp and onto the road... he floored it and that was the strongest acceleration inertia shit I've ever felt in a car. That was f*cking fun. He and the host student (who I had over the previous year, at my place here in AK) - they were both laughing because it was fun to watch me go like "f*ck yeah!"

Also everybody was jealous when I showed up at school in this awesome f*cking red Mercedes convertible. Like, the other exchange students in my group. Hahaha.

That was a good family, a functional family. At least I did get to, for a time, see what that's like and be their guest. Kinda sucks to know my whole life has basically been a whole shitload of traumas. But it's nice to know that it's not like that for everyone.

Reading back over this post - yep, totally still manic as f*ck. But maybe better than yesterday? I do feel less manic, honestly, from a subjective viewpoint. But I know that I could be wrong lol.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It is like the kaliedoscope shifting isn't?

Sorry - meant to respond to this too.

That is like the perfect way to describe it. It's like my view of the world has been radically shifted... once again... just like......... I don't know what to think. In some ways, it's a way bigger shift than the trauma from my torturer(im just gonna call him that cause i have so many f*cking abusers so... yeah.... now i cant just say "abuser" anymore really), but on the other hand, it feels very different.

It probably feels different because there was no -extremely motherf*cking traumatic thing that made me get out of the situation and also initiated PTSD.

That makes a lot of sense. Also - in regards to the traumas themselves, the abusers themselves - comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges. All of them are bad, horrible people. They are just all different flavors of that.

Really f*cked up that.... the shit I uncovered, the shit that surfaced.... is so f*cked up..... that my motherf*cking -torturer- feels like a fart in the wind, an afterthought, nothing.... it's like he's dropped off of my radar of concern, probably because I am presently living with probably my worst abuser, in regards to length of time abused.

Yeah.

It's so f*cked.

I looked at a picture of my moms face about an hour ago, and -recoiled involuntarily- and hastily closed the tab. Holy shit. This is nooooot easy. I need to sort this out and get out ASAP, to be honest, and do my best to keep the beast at bay and calm as I can, until I accomplish my most important goal for the future at the present moment: moving out of this place.

Edit: being around her feels just like how being around my torturer felt, at the end - though less intense, and without the fear of death and many other horrifying things. But, the same sort of feeling nonetheless.

The feeling that you're standing next to a dangerous predator that is going to be trying to harm you, and you have to be on your toes around it.

yeah.

 

[Freida]

Aaaaaand my bug out bag is basically a "hey you can go camping any time you want instantly without having to pack!" bag. That's probably going to mainly be what it gets used for. A tool for camping

oh pullleese! such an amateur! :) Mine had all my important documents, including resumes (updated regularly), passport, credit card, money, and I had suits and clothes for a few days standing by in a specific place in the closet so I could grab them quickly. I could be completely out of the house and into a new life in less that 15 minutes. One of the hardest things I had to learn was to take it apart (a bit -- I still have a basic go bag for emergencies).

I wish we had some shit like the Autobahn here, lmao.

Hubby is so jealous I got to drive the autobahn when I lived in germany. When we were there last year we even debated renting a car so he could go out on it

Edit: being around her feels just like how being around my torturer felt, at the end - though less intense, and without the fear of death and many other horrifying things. But, the same sort of feeling nonetheless.

Oh hun -- this is so not ok. a suggestion? Sit down with your T or a very close friend and brainstrom ideas on where you could go other than here. Do it without thinking, just scribble down options - you can check them for validitiy later. You might find a friend, roommate, 4rd cousin twice removed, or emergeny shelter plan you could use.

After you write them all down then you can go back one by one and see how you could make it work. DONT think about it not working -- only ways you can make it work. Then go back one last time and see if any of them could be possible in the real world.

 

[ms spock]

I would suggest that you don't go to the police until you are at the end of your healing process, the system is not set up to support survivors/victims of abuse, and it can destroy you.

You have to be able to ground, and have a really, really solid support network. You need to have all the tools in your toolbox. It is not something to be done in the early stages of your journey in my humble opinion.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Lmao @Freida

Since your post I have prepared a basic wardrobe and can chuck every piece of clothing I own into it. Lol. But, as is, that suitcase is good to go, if I just bounce. My whole life contained in a backpack, a hot pink suitcase, and a black messenger bag.

I hope I sound less manic. I feel less manic. I felt pretty manic at band practice today, but much less so than last week. Ugh. A week of mania. Straight up f*cking mania. Shit sucks lol. I feel like a total crazy person while manic. Also like a coked up squirrel with the memory of a goldfish. Not very fun, even if it does give me a lot of energy to get shit done... so long as I make proper plans and lists.

I have gotten a lot done this past week, honestly - and considering the trauma I uncovered.... yeeeah.

I think all the difficulty, the turmoil of that trauma maelstrom, triggered that manic episode.

I hope they're really infrequent :/

Because mania f*cking sucks. I can get shit done all on my own, I don't need mania and f*cking shitty judgement to help me.

It's like, being bombarded by all these ideas.... some of them are diamonds in the rough, but most of them are just f*cking complete trash manic babbling and rambling and just, aimless thinking about shit. I dunno.

I don't like it but, hopefully I can find a way to better tolerate it/utilize it in the future... since I'm bipolar this is probably gonna be something I'm just gonna have to deal with now and then. f*ck. Oh well. Kind of impeding of progress IMO :/ but it would have happened to me PTSD or no.... and given my childhood, I think I'd have wound up with PTSD anyway. It just hadn't surfaced yet.

Still feeling positive overall. But I hope tomorrow I feel totally "normal" i.e. my normal, again.

I'm mostly wanting to feel normal again and totally not manic so I can just go f*cking visit Whittier for shits and giggles. I hate feeling "trapped" to the confines of this f*cking stupid city during mania. But I am at my most disabled while manic, at least IMO. I can't let myself leave town during that - at least not yet.

I'm interested to see where I'm at in regards to trauma progress on what we -were- working on..... which I don't even know we will do or not..... it's so confusing, having all that shit resurface because of reprocessing on totally different shit.

To go from one of those people who "at least got to experience a normal life" to one of those people who had a whole life of trauma.

On top of that I live with the most abusive person in my life, in regards to number of times abused, my age at time of abuse, the fact she's my MOTHERF*CKING GODDAMNED MOTHER!!!!!!!!! MY OWN f*ckING MOTHER!!!!!!!!!

!!!!

She is not like my torturer - she is not a psychopath, at least as far as I can tell. She stopped hurting me as soon as I was too tall and athletic for her to be able to damage me - in high school.

f*ck.

That made more memories resurface.

I need to just leave alllllll that shit alone. Maybe focusing on the torturer would be good, as -f*cked up- as it sounds. His shit was much more intense, much more sadistic and f*cked up, much more evil, so to say. But my mom's shit... gah! She has him trumped in number of years and just overall amount of abuse.

My dad was shitty too!

The worst part about that? He's actually not as bad as her... I mean he's staying NO CONTACT like he's been for about 10 years. That's never changing. I still hate him just as much. But as f*cked up as it is, considering he sexually abused me - he was the less abusive parent. He didn't hit me till I was adult age/size/maturity and athletic, and he knew I'd hit back lmao.

So, yeah.

I have a lot to process. A lot to let sink in. A lot to deal with.

But number f*cking one: move the F*CK out of this house!!!! Anywhere!

Maybe I could eventually get a place in one of the nearby towns - I don't mind the commute and I'm f*cking disabled (I hate that SO much by the way... SO MUCH) so it's not like I have shit on my schedule... ugh...

Either way, it would be wise, because the cost of housing is cheaper in those places, and my car is very fuel efficient.

Those are long term goals of course. Before I get to do any of that I need to have disability going :/ shiit lol.


At least my manic ass got that f*ckin' paperwork done. You go girl. Lmao.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Sweetleaf - your writing seems calmer...well it did until you began to think and write about your abusers and comparing them - :sorry: Then it seemed to be a little more rapid fire and agitated (which is understandable). I hope you felt okay after you finished writing ^^. Did you notice any difference?

So if it is therapy, trauma, abusers triggering the mania, you might need to talk to your psydoc about that. Can you take medications which will help you control it while you undergo therapy?

I am thinking you need to do the therapy, need to process the trauma but you also need to not be living with an abuser. This means you need a very safe place to reside because if the mania is triggered again which unfortunately it may be - you must be protected from exploiters and probably from yourself too... idk what do you think?

You are doing well sweetleaf - you are slowly levelling out I hope. I am glad you are not diving because that is terrible - probably just as bad as the 'high'?

When do you see your psydoc next?