Ready To Just Give Up

[midfing]

I am seriously f*cked up. I have bad ptsd from incest. I have lost everything. No family to turn to, never had a real partner. I am so alone. I lost my minister recently and an animal I loved and my refuge. I am feeling like hell. I have so much anxiety I can't even take a bath w/o worrying someone will attack me. I have hellish noise fears. I literally feel so alone. I lost a friend and really have no one but my church. I struggle to get anywhere b/c I have no car. I need a break so bad. I pet sat for this animal and lost my refuge. I am so tired. I have also wrestled with severe night terrors and voices for almost two years. I am so alone. I am ready to end it, very soon. I think about it every day. My father has ruined my life. I do therapy and just got back on klonopin, they want me to try clonidine, I'm terrified to take it. I'm f*cking sick of it all now. I cannot describe what my life has been like to anyone except pure hell, the symptoms I battle are awful. I don't work, I had to go on disability, and that is another hell. I see no reason to live anymore.

 

[Mosaic]

First, take a breath.
You do need a break and you need to be the first person to give yourself one.
Your therapist has probably already suggested deep breathing and using mantras "it's ok, I'm not in any danger"
Breathe in for 3, hold for 3, breathe out for 3.

This is an ongoing battle and even when you feel worse than ever, you're still winning!

It's a terrible thing to go through but you're never defeated.

I wish I could help more, STAY STRONG!

 

[midfing]

My T never gave me such good advice, thank you. I'm having fb's, I hate where I live, everything is against me, I don't know how to live with no relief.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You are clearly overwhelmed. That causes you the desire to escape all the negative emotions you are flooded with. There are many ways to calm yourself. There are a lot of good ideas from the forum. For me, I have to first get grounded so I don't feel like I'm a spinning free radical just buzzing through space with nowhere to rest.

Guided relaxation and breathing is very effective for coming back to the here and now and taking time to just be-without judgement or expectations that just add fuel to the fire of PTSD. I have a few APPS on my phone that I use for relaxing.

Self care is hard, but vital to ride out the storm that has engulfed you. Try to eat good food and move your body so you can detox all the stress hormones that are ravaging you. I like to take a hot shower and get good and warm and go to bed.

I'm sorry you are feeling so discouraged. I hope you have a trusted therapist to guide you through your healing process. Do you have the book "The Courage to Heal". It is about healing from the effects of sexual abuse. There is also a workbook that can help you work through all the debris of CSA.

I understand and identify with everything you stated. It's so hard to get past the despair of abuse, but it is possible to feel better so hang in there!! I am also on disability and you're right it sucks. I am able to work some and that has been beneficial to my self esteem. Take care and keep talking!

 

[Ronin]

I am seriously f*cked up.

You're overwhelmed and having expectable set of reactions for what others did to you and your momentary circumstances.

That doesn't spell f*cked up, that spells a strong person in difficult circumstances.

No family to turn to

I've noticed quite a few people on these boards treat people here as another sort of a family, so you may have well come to the right place if that's your calling for reclaiming. ;)

never had a real partner.

You may have evaded a lot of trouble with that, though.

Besides, that can change in the future, for one. You're not less a person for relationships you've had or didn't have, secondly.

I am so alone. I lost my minister recently and an animal I loved and my refuge.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your loneliness.

I'm glad you're reaching out to people, though. Congratulation on that move, it takes a lot.

I lost a friend and really have no one but my church.

I'm sorry for your loss, though you have always a chance to form better friendships, where the people won't kick you when you're down and won't leave you just because you are.

If that is the kind of loss that's implied; I apologize for not being applicable and misjudging if it's not.

Having your church though sounds like having a lot of people you can bond with on a somewhat regular basis, even if it's not fully satisfying, and an overreaching trust in something / someone good, out there?

That's still finding so much in the world, even when it all seems so dark right now.

I struggle to get anywhere b/c I have no car.

Is public transport any option? Are delivery services? Is there a delivery system for disabled people any, where you are, eventually charities/NGOs having volunteers for that sort of a work?

Would anyone from your church be willing to accompany you or drive you where you need to get, time to time?

I have also wrestled with severe night terrors and voices for almost two years.

That sounds like quite a lot to battle. Anyone would be exhausted dealing with that and not having safe refuge in sleep.

My father has ruined my life.

He probably has. But you can rebuild it. He isn't everything, he tried to be but isn't.

There's so much of you he'll never touch.

[I don't work, I had to go on disability, and that is another hell.

Going on disability sounds like one small victory; you got, if nothing else, acknowledgment from other people your health condition is severe and requiring long term help. That can be opened doors, and getting people to make that acknowledgment is quite a hardship; congratulation on getting one thing done.

I see no reason to live anymore.

Maybe you can be looking for the reasons?

 

[Recovery4Me]

You are not alone and I am glad that you shared. :hug: Hugs if you accept.

Working through incest within therapy was very difficult, rebuilding my life was/is much harder actually. Finding a reason to live is as simple at times for me, as looking in the mirror and reassuring myself, " I am more than the sum total of what others have done to me!" Self affirmations are key for me to remind myself...I have the right to live. He will not over power that right from me.

Have courage, let me wipe your tears and tell you...we can overcome from victim to that of survivor...one day at a time. Believe in you...I do.

 

[midfing]

Thank you all so very much. Blessings

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Thanks for being brave enough to share what you are going through -

I know what helps me is the practice of rejoicing - Even at the smallest stuff which sometimes is all we have -

I rejoice and your strength and bravery to get this far -

Rejoice that you are not alone as we are here for you - we take your pain away but we can support you and believe in you as you go through it

And when horrible stuff happens to me - I rejoice that what has happened is over and nothing lasts - even if I seem to be in the middle of terrible things, I know they will not last - All I have to do is hold on until they do

And meditation helps me the most - learning to use my breath to help you be in your body - learning to use my mind to begin to be able to recognize the negative scary thoughts when they arise and be able to let them go before they turn into negative scary actions. It helps bring control to my life when it is out of control

Many blessings on you -

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I think I am in a similar situation as you are(incest /csa from my childhood causes me to feel suicidal fairly regularly) try to remind yourself that in spite of all the traumas you've been put through, you have survived. Yes, it is lonely (I'm unable to work due to illness and am practically a recluse, I literally only have one friend at this moment in time and it's been that way for seven years, I detest my family and refuse to have anything to do with them ) but, today I read your post and it feels good to know I'm not the only person in the world who feels they have lost everything. I know. It's so difficult but please don't let your abusers defeat you by taking your own life. Message me any time if you want and keep coming here if it helps you. But you are definitely not alone and things can get better.. Take care, cj