Wondering_Loner
Bronze Member
Well I have sold my car and made the leap across the atlantic. I took my co dependancy and went to the ultimate deep end as an expat. I've had good days and bad days with it. My gut still says its 2001-03 even though I know otherwise and I still do therapy via video skype.
BUT
I'm very much a new person. I've become an extrovert for the first time in my life. I've developed friends with people from around the world. I have actually been running my own life for the first time. Its actually fun. Cooking and exploring are a blast. After classes everyday I usually go to a park to read a few chapters before going home. If its too hot I go to a free museum. My work permit will be ready in a few days too.
I also have a small sailboat a few towns over which I will be moving in a few weeks and I've met a fellow student who will help sail it over.
I've been invited to all kinds of social events and have for the first time in my life actually asked a girl out. It went really well too. I accidently swept her offer her feet, though now I'm super anxious about messing things up. I don't know how healthy relationships on this level really work. My definition of a lot of time together is super skewed by the years alone. Something I have to keep in mind.
I also for the most part have my sexual compulsions under control. Though even when I engage in healthy sexual release will I feel very triggered, sad, stressed, for a day or two.
The technique I've been using to keep them under control is that when the thoughts and feelings start hitting me I commend myself for having the thoughts and not taking action. I try to let the presence of the thoughts wed to inactivity serve as proof for me that I am in control. The idea being that if I'm tormented all day by them and dont take action I am training my mind to realize that they have no power over my actions. Hopefully this will make them less important over time. I do still get waves of craving for my fetish. It's really tightly wed to my trauma, but it remains in my head and gut instead becoming action for the most part. Hopefully it stays basically gone.
This also works because the fetish thoughts are worst when I'm miserable. The commendations to myself lift my mood enough for me to think straight again.
Agoraphobia comes and goes. sometimes. It only lasts for say an hour. If I become monophobic I can usually get myself outside with a book and at least walk until I stumble into a park. This calms me down a lot.
I am still addicted to the internet. This has been really annoying. migraines....
I am also having creative bursts without pulling teeth, for the first time in months which is great. My art most of the time feels happy and calm. Smiling girls and things.
BUT
I'm very much a new person. I've become an extrovert for the first time in my life. I've developed friends with people from around the world. I have actually been running my own life for the first time. Its actually fun. Cooking and exploring are a blast. After classes everyday I usually go to a park to read a few chapters before going home. If its too hot I go to a free museum. My work permit will be ready in a few days too.
I also have a small sailboat a few towns over which I will be moving in a few weeks and I've met a fellow student who will help sail it over.
I've been invited to all kinds of social events and have for the first time in my life actually asked a girl out. It went really well too. I accidently swept her offer her feet, though now I'm super anxious about messing things up. I don't know how healthy relationships on this level really work. My definition of a lot of time together is super skewed by the years alone. Something I have to keep in mind.
I also for the most part have my sexual compulsions under control. Though even when I engage in healthy sexual release will I feel very triggered, sad, stressed, for a day or two.
The technique I've been using to keep them under control is that when the thoughts and feelings start hitting me I commend myself for having the thoughts and not taking action. I try to let the presence of the thoughts wed to inactivity serve as proof for me that I am in control. The idea being that if I'm tormented all day by them and dont take action I am training my mind to realize that they have no power over my actions. Hopefully this will make them less important over time. I do still get waves of craving for my fetish. It's really tightly wed to my trauma, but it remains in my head and gut instead becoming action for the most part. Hopefully it stays basically gone.
This also works because the fetish thoughts are worst when I'm miserable. The commendations to myself lift my mood enough for me to think straight again.
Agoraphobia comes and goes. sometimes. It only lasts for say an hour. If I become monophobic I can usually get myself outside with a book and at least walk until I stumble into a park. This calms me down a lot.
I am still addicted to the internet. This has been really annoying. migraines....
I am also having creative bursts without pulling teeth, for the first time in months which is great. My art most of the time feels happy and calm. Smiling girls and things.
