Sexual Assault Real trauma or overthinking? (sexual)

[BlueBerry6999]

I don't know how to explain this, even thinking about it doesn't make any sense.

I described in my first post here what happened in the last couple of years, but right now I want to focus on one specific aspect: the involuntary sex that happened more than a year ago.

It's all very confusing and complicated to me, because I was at a festival, already traumatized by previous events (car accident), my boyfriend was far away and I slept twice with my best friend under the influence of drugs and a lot of alcohol. He did not use force or anything, but I can barely remember what happened and I know that I didn't actually want it, but I let him sleep with me without saying no. Afterward, he ignored me because his new girlfriend showed up and my boyfriend didn't text back either because his phone was stolen. I ended up imagining him making out with other women (we had opened up our relationship), so I was mad at both him and my best friend and kind of out of stubborness I decided to look for a man to sleep with.

I ended up dancing with a guy and we kissed, but I realized that it was not what I wanted. So I told him I didn't want to anymore and tried to leave, but he kept holding onto my arm and telling me to stay and kept kissing me.

I kept telling him no, but he insisted on following me to my tent and kept kissing me even though I said no. But I couldn't use force to free myself or anything, I just kept saying no, but my body did what he wanted.

He ended up pulling me into a dark corner by a fence, where he started touching me and I told him I didn't want to, but he kept going. And then that stupid thing happened that complicates everything. I gave up and thought I was never going to get away from him anyway, so I tried to enjoy it. Physically, I kind of did. My body didn't mind him touching me.

When he pulled down my pants, I told him again that I didn't want to go further, but he insisted, so I said "do you at least have a condom?"

He said no, so I pulled my pants back up and said "forget it, not without a condom". I tried to walk away and then it happened really quickly, he just grabbed me, turned me around and pushed me against the fence then entered me. I was so surprised that I couldn't even react. I just stood there and stared through that fence and let him do his thing, until I thought of my boyfriend and the risk of catching a disease or getting pregnant. That kind of gave me the strenght to push the guy off me and run away.

I hid in my tent and cried and then he had the decency to come back for me and ask me for a goodnight kiss.
He didn't even know what he'd done.

After the festival, the guilt over having slept with my best friend made me want to kill myself, so instead I focused on that last night with the stranger, kept brooding over it, hoping for those memories to replace the ones with my best friend.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I realized that it really got to me but because my body enjoyed it when he first touched me, I feel like I can't call it rape and I feel guilty.

I wonder what is wrong with me. Both men did not use force and both times I didn't want to sleep with them. I remember my whole body trembling while I slept with my friend and wanting nothing more than to leave, but not being able to tell him so. I kept acting like I wanted it because I didn't want to hurt him.

With the strange man, I managed to say no but not to physically resist.

And a month before that happened, I had consensual sex with another friend, but he got very rough and really hurt me, so I told him to stop. He kept going though and I was in so much pain I couldn't breathe. I didn't dare to yell at him to stop, because we were in my sister's apartment and I was afraid to wake her up. I let him finish despite the pain I was in. I bled a lot afterward and kept bleeding for three days.

Now I'm all confused. I can't even use the word rape and I flinch every time somebody uses it close to me. When it happens in a movie or book, my heart starts racing and I feel like I can't breathe, but I feel like what happened to me was not bad enough to be called rape or actually be traumatic. And I keep wondering why I wasn't able to resist in the first place. I mean, I have been harassed, touched and kissed against my will so many times during my teenage years that I don't even remember all of it.

But I was never molested or raped.

So why can't I resist? I just let people use my body like some sexual assault survivors do, but nothing like that ever happened.

It happened to my sister and that affected our whole family, but that can't be the reason, right?

I also wrote a book about domestic violence and rape because these things kept haunting me. The story turned out more personal than I expected, even though none of the abuse I mention in the book actually happened to me. I keep lying awake at night, thinking about the girl in my story, obsessing over what happens to her and it feels like it's my story, even though it's not.

I'm so confused because I don't know if the things I experienced were bad enough to cause a trauma, or if I obsessed about my book so much until I made my protagonist's trauma my own... But I also know that what happened to me was not okay and sure may have done some harm. And I feel embarrassed about telling it because sleeping with three different men despite having a boyfriend makes me feel like a slut (even though I had an open relationship back then).

Anyway I'm really sorry for that horrible post but I have no idea how else to write it down and I can't talk about what happened, so I wrote it down. I know I should probably talk to my therapist about it but I'm not ready yet.

 

[Ronin]

Here's the thing though... trauma is rarely its stereotypes... and where it fits the stereotype? Still trouble for so many reasons the popular notion of it ain't even touch.

The first event you mention I read as regrettable sex, since you weren't twice into it but also not against.

But the rest? Rape, classic.

It makes sense an event so close to trauma - like an accident- would have its own difficulties and claws making dealing hard.

And no, how much you were aroused doesn't cancel it was a rape. That's just your body doing normal things and trying to protect your survival... in no way meaning you went with it after all.

You /are/ a sexual assault survivor, were since your teens. That you still need to minimize all of that just because so enormous amount and scope only shows how much.

You're not a slut. Slut is an ugly insult people throw at others whose sex life they disagree with... and then at victims of crimes, like you are.

That word doesn't describe you.

That you've been able to write it all down is admirable and thank you for sharing, even though profoundly sorry for what they did to you, and the pain you're in.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think all those times you said no equals having sex against your will. It doesn't matter if he thought that it was ok, it wasn't and he forged ahead anyway. I'm sorry this has made you confused, but this person raping you has nothing to do with sleeping with your best friend. You wanted to find someone to sleep with, and changed your mind before it even got to the fondling part. This is not your fault.

 

[Mee]

I think all those times you said no equals having sex against your will. It doesn't matter if he thought that it was ok, it wasn't and he forged ahead anyway. I'm sorry this has made you confused, but this person raping you has nothing to do with sleeping with your best friend. You wanted to find someone to sleep with, and changed your mind before it even got to the fondling part. This is not your fault.

I agree. There is a reason people talk about consent being affirmative and one of those is that trauma victims do have problems speaking up, another that freezing is too common a reaction to ignore . The other issue is sobriety. We talk about the need for sober consent because of the ease of manipulation or overpowering someone who is not.
It is not your fault.


I do not think it is your fault for not being sober at the time: however I know I will never drink more than half a glass of wine in company other than my husband again. It wouldn’t make it less my fault, but it might reduce risk. I want to make it super clear that this is preventing something that shouldn’t be taken advantage of , not blaming anyone who is under influence of anything- including myself .

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Thank you all <3

I think part of me knew what happened, yet I keep sugarcoating it. I never wanted to be labeled and compared to the stories I heard and read of what happened to other people, mine seems so harmless if not downright dumb (to me).
I know I need to accept what happened to truly deal with it, but I wonder how. I can't even use the word rape, even writing it down is hard

 

[Mee]

You don’t have to use a word you feel uncomfortable with or that feels somehow ‘not right’ for whatever reason. I prefer sexual assault personally. It’s more encompassing, has no gender stupidity of people saying some things can’t be ‘rape’ so it feels inclusive and relatable to other experiences. I also like the very unpopular non consensual sex. Why? Because that’s what it feels like to me ; most of my sexual assaults ( all A’s an adult) have been non aggravated, so it ‘felt like’ sex. Often less ‘agressive’ than consensual sex I used to partake in. Some feel very strongly that that description sanitises rape- I understand that, and politically I agree with them, but For me emotionally it feels a descriptor if the confusion I and maybe the perpetrators felt.

Use the word which works for you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also want to add that when the time comes to process it, you will be able to. You have just allowed yourself to know for sure it was an assault, sit with the knowledge for a while and when it comes up in therapy you will be ready. Hugs to you.