FauxLiz
Diamond Member
Things had been going along balanced on an even keel until last Thursday. I have struggled with S/I and failed attempts in the past the most recent in late July. My t and I agreed that it might be time for some adjunct help and I have been taking self-regulation classes working to give me increased coping skills.
On Thursday I had a phone confrontation with my ex that sent me reeling for the rest of the day. On Friday night I had an activity with my son but shortly before I was supposed to participate my daughter called me crying from college having a complete meltdown as she was lonely, alone, her birthday was in a couple days and she needed someone to make her a priority. I am over 800 miles away so just jumping in the car and going to her was not possible. But this just broke my heart. Enough so that I called my father to see if he could visit her (he lives 250 miles away) and was able to get him to visit her over the weekend. By Saturday when I was in the self-regulation class I couldn't focus and though I completed all the exercises by the time I arrived at home I was a basket case. I mentally have gone back and forth between suicide and why I can't. I have been fighting the urge to cut, fighting the urge to completely isolate (I didn't want to go to work today but I am out of paid time off and I am supposed to be at a meeting tonight) I am sitting at work struggling to focus and all I can think about is how much I wish I could die and what ways could I make it happen. I see my t tomorrow morning I just don't know how to hold on until then.
On Thursday I had a phone confrontation with my ex that sent me reeling for the rest of the day. On Friday night I had an activity with my son but shortly before I was supposed to participate my daughter called me crying from college having a complete meltdown as she was lonely, alone, her birthday was in a couple days and she needed someone to make her a priority. I am over 800 miles away so just jumping in the car and going to her was not possible. But this just broke my heart. Enough so that I called my father to see if he could visit her (he lives 250 miles away) and was able to get him to visit her over the weekend. By Saturday when I was in the self-regulation class I couldn't focus and though I completed all the exercises by the time I arrived at home I was a basket case. I mentally have gone back and forth between suicide and why I can't. I have been fighting the urge to cut, fighting the urge to completely isolate (I didn't want to go to work today but I am out of paid time off and I am supposed to be at a meeting tonight) I am sitting at work struggling to focus and all I can think about is how much I wish I could die and what ways could I make it happen. I see my t tomorrow morning I just don't know how to hold on until then.
