Britt68115
New Here
Hi everyone. I'm Britt, and was recently (within the last few months) diagnosed with C-PTSD. I don't have one specific trauma, but rather an extensive series of events which took place through my childhood and on into my late teens. I struggle mostly with angry outbursts and disassociation. I am right now in the middle of an episode, which has resulted in my husband and I fighting for the past two days. I have significant trust issues. Actually, it may be safe to say that I do not trust anyone, period, so any time he does something that makes me suspicious, its a trigger and I go off. Lies and secrecy are by far the biggest triggers for me. Sometimes I feel like when I'm having an episode, I say and do things to intentionally push him away and hurt him. I don't know why, and its not something I claim to be proud of, but it feels good at the time to make someone hurt the way I do.
Anyway, after struggling through a very stressful few years, we (I) have decided on a divorce. I never thought it would come to this back when we did get married a very short 7 years ago, but, I feel an incredible amount of relief from the decision. The unfortunate side to this, is that we have two young sons ages 5yrs and 18mos. They're actually one of the biggest reasons why I have decided a divorce would be best. My husband has some un-diagnosed mood disorder, or maybe an anxiety disorder - our theory anyway, and his issues do not mix well with my issues. We instigate and feed off each other, and I can't let our children watch us do that to each other anymore. So much of my life has been spent trying to keep the people around me happy, whether that was by walking on egg shells, or biting my tongue and not saying something I meant/actually wanted to say because I didn't want to upset the other person. I do this daily with my husband, and it eventually builds and builds until something sets it off. Touching back on the trust issues, I've come to the realization that there seems to be absolutely nothing he can do that will make me trust him again. Even with all the proof in the world showing me that he was right/innocent. Just the fact that I had the suspicion is enough to set me off. My suspicions being proven wrong does nothing to calm me, or change my mind.
Moving on, as this is quickly becoming more than a "quick introduction," and I am finding myself rambling. I've come here in search of support, or at least to speak to people who "get it." I feel so incredibly alone in this world most of the time, like I am drifting along watching all the "normal people" carry on, while I worry to death over what they are thinking about me. I'm only just starting therapy and medication, and everything is all very new to me, so I'm open to suggestions and advice as well. Thank you if you've read through this book.
Anyway, after struggling through a very stressful few years, we (I) have decided on a divorce. I never thought it would come to this back when we did get married a very short 7 years ago, but, I feel an incredible amount of relief from the decision. The unfortunate side to this, is that we have two young sons ages 5yrs and 18mos. They're actually one of the biggest reasons why I have decided a divorce would be best. My husband has some un-diagnosed mood disorder, or maybe an anxiety disorder - our theory anyway, and his issues do not mix well with my issues. We instigate and feed off each other, and I can't let our children watch us do that to each other anymore. So much of my life has been spent trying to keep the people around me happy, whether that was by walking on egg shells, or biting my tongue and not saying something I meant/actually wanted to say because I didn't want to upset the other person. I do this daily with my husband, and it eventually builds and builds until something sets it off. Touching back on the trust issues, I've come to the realization that there seems to be absolutely nothing he can do that will make me trust him again. Even with all the proof in the world showing me that he was right/innocent. Just the fact that I had the suspicion is enough to set me off. My suspicions being proven wrong does nothing to calm me, or change my mind.
Moving on, as this is quickly becoming more than a "quick introduction," and I am finding myself rambling. I've come here in search of support, or at least to speak to people who "get it." I feel so incredibly alone in this world most of the time, like I am drifting along watching all the "normal people" carry on, while I worry to death over what they are thinking about me. I'm only just starting therapy and medication, and everything is all very new to me, so I'm open to suggestions and advice as well. Thank you if you've read through this book.
