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Recording A New Memory In My Mind.

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Fadeaway

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The little girl, barely age six. if that, awoke, but still couldn't move. She tried to scream over and over but nothing escaped her lips. Something very powerful and evil was in the room. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity the screams left her lips. She cried out for someone to come, but knew it was futile. The grownups kept her in a makeshift garage while they were in bedrooms on the opposite side of the house from the garage door. They got mad when she cried, but she was so scared, it was worth facing their wrath in the morning, for the hopes of a different outcome.

Amazingly, this time, that is exactly what she got as the figure surrounded by bright light floated closer to her bed. She could feel the warmth and love radiating off of the figure, scaring away all that was bad and evil. "It's ok sweetie, it was only a bad dream." the most beautiful voice in the world said.

"Who are you?" The little girl asked.

"I am your spirit mommy," the voice replied. "I am the mommy you were supposed to have, I couldn't be here before, but I am here now, and I will be here to comfort you when anything bad happens."

For the first time, the little girl felt loved and safe as her spirit mommy wrapped her in her warmth. She couldn't quite feel touch, but this was more than she had ever had before and it was wonderful.

The voice told her that it would stay with her until she fell asleep and as she slept to keep the evil spirits away.The little girl drifted off to sleep feeling warmed and loved, knowing she was safe for the rest of the night from the nightmares that plagued her.

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As the little girl grew she became more and more aware that it wasn't normal to have a spirit mommy. She became fearful of embarrassment if someone discovered her secret. She also felt pathetic every time she relied on her spirit mommy, but could never quite give it up.

Rationally she knew it was only in her mind, but her heart longed for it to be real, and at the end of the day she know it was what kept her sane despite the fact that it was a very insane thing to do. Eventually, the girl grew up. She knew she had to start thinking like a grown up. The putting away of her spirit mommy was something that took years to grieve.

Despite the fact that the Dr.s prescribe the adult version her pills now for the nightmares, she still has them every couple of weeks. The worst part is how bad she still wants to be comforted. She feels that if she could just have the memory of being comforted she could rely on trying to relive the memory instead of the the most likely extremely unhealthy, "imaginary comforter" of her childhood.

If people can have false memories of abuse given to them, couldn't they have false memories of comfort that seem real?

You try to approach this with a therapist and they look away, change the subject but will never address what the patient is trying to bring up. All the patient is asking for is a coping tool, so why won't they allow the patient to address the idea? Even if it is just the pros and cons?

Being able to focus on a memory of being comforted after a nightmare would be immensely helpful and eliminate the feeling of being embarrassed and felling pathetic for needing to rely on something that is clearly even less real.

Especially, when the person wants to fall back on a coping mechanism they shouldn't have. Sort of like a smoker who has quit. They still want to smoke when anxious but don't because they know how unhealthy it is and quitting was such a huge milestone.

The girl just wants someone to walk her through what it would be like to be comforted to help create a more real memory to use as a coping mechanism. She just can't seem to do it on her own.
 
We have to put our recoveries and futures and healing in the hands of those that because of how little our pasts and the effects have been investigated over the years, have little more than guesswork and the power within the dynamic we have with them, to offer us.

Anything, anything at all, that made you feel what other small people in this world should always have when they grow up, is in my mind anyway, a good thing.
I'm probably wrong, misled, deluded, but these are my thoughts as a fellow sufferer who just wanted, and deserved, as you did, the very things you describe. I haven't got any answers, and solutions, just my experiences.

I support you in your thoughts and experiences, can only say that no, I don't think it is wrong for a trauma survivor to have something that made them feel better through the pain. I'm not surprised it's so hard for you to give up. I'm not sure if o had the same thst if ever be able to.

I'm glad you had some semblance of comfort through those horrific times.
Amalia
 
Based on your description I don't see what the problem would be. But I'm a little confused by the false memory connection...like is "god" a false memory for some people? I did feel a little god connection for a while when younger and that did help me sleep...for a while I imagined God was holding my hand. Call him spirit father or anything. Lots of adults still find comfort in their relationship to this spirit.

I've been encouraged by therapists and meditation gurus to connect to my sense of comfort or okay-ness, wherever it is at for now. I like stuffed animals right now. I'm an adult, but they work for me.

If you are imagining this from today's perspective but didn't have that connection in place when age 6, I still wouldn't see a problem. My therapist would call that something like re-doing or finding a different ending to a very bad memory. It's not about changing reality. It's about changing the repeating patterns of our responses to the memory...rewiring it in some way. Honestly this doesn't work for me. But if I could imagine someone hauling my abuser out when that didn't actually happen, I don't see what difference it would make...I'd know it wasn't reality but imagination is a very helpful healing tool. I experience it in different ways, like art.
 
Thanks Chava. However, my therapist just keeps saying "in time, you will learn ways." but when I am waking up from a nightmare despite 2 mg of prazosin and it takes more than half the day to even function afterwards, I don't feel like I have the time to wait for "future tools" I need something now. The way my therapist tip toes around the issue makes me fear that by using this as a tool I am doing something wrong, on top of fears I already had about it.

I am not sure how to better explain the false memory. Not like God. I guess sort of like a variant on what the outcome of EMDR is supposed to do. Just using your imagination instead.
 
Forgive me if I am off here, but why is this unhealthy?

Also, are you so sure it wasn't real? And if it was just something you imagined to cope, I honestly don't see the need to let it go or force her out of your mind.

I mean, maybe don't speak to her in front of others. But I talk with people who "crossed over" all the time, whether I think they can hear me or not. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Lots of people pray to angels, gods, their relatives, the saints, or any kind of spirit. Why is your spirit mommy not allowed to help anymore?

Perhaps your therapist has trouble with it because it might make her uncomfortable or does not fit in with her beliefs.

I remember having strange experiences myself; especially as a child and especially in extreme circumstances. I honestly believe I did have spirits protecting me and still do. What is wrong with believing in that?

Like I said, I apologize if I have missed the point or said anything to upset you.
 
@shandemonium You did not say anything to upset me. To answer your question, I guess because all the "professionals" and people I have known through out my life have made me feel bad for it. Afraid of it even.

I feel more clear headed than I have all day. That nightmare really messed me up, but man, I feel like I am losing coping skills instead of gaining them in therapy. It is creating panic and grief. I was in a really bad place earlier, slowly coming out of it, but that was this morning and it is now 11:11pm.
 
I don't feel like I have the time to wait for "future tools" I need something now. The way my therapist tip toes around the issue makes me fear that by using this as a tool I am doing something wrong, on top of fears I already had about it.

Have you been able to tell your therapist this? If it's disrupting your functioning, there must be some tools you can use now to at least help you regain ground...? I've been able to go back into a nightmare and change the ending, though rarely because that requires a sort of lucid dream state. Otherwise, telling my therapist about it or drawing a picture for the person who was hurt in the dream seems to be a way of me going back in and being the one to tell that little person that I see them, empathize, and we are okay now. Not sure if that makes sense.

If you feel like you are being stripped of coping skills vs gaining more through therapy I really hope you can tell your therapist. It's hard but I've had to let my therapist know stuff like this...even if we don't find an answer right away it helps to remind me that I am advocating for myself now vs just shutting down. That in itself is a newer pattern.
 
If people can have false memories of abuse given to them, couldn't they have false memories of comfort that seem real?

You try to approach this with a therapist and they look away, change the subject but will never address what the patient is trying to bring up. All the patient is asking for is a coping tool, so why won't they allow the patient to address the idea? Even if it is just the pros and cons?
I don't think all therapists would or do.

Perhaps the term 'false memory' is somewhat offputting or causing some misunderstanding. The comfort you received from what you, or your mind, created for yourself was a real comfort. The comfort you got from it is a real memory.

There are therapists who suggest trying to use your imagination to change a memory or a dream or the ending of it. For example bringing in a rescuer, or a comforter, to assist the child 'you'. It's not actually been all that beneficial to me, but my therapist has suggested this before as something to try. I don't think that is any different to what are suggesting here?

I don't feel like I have the time to wait for "future tools" I need something now.
Also my therapist has been very clear to me about not wanting to take away the tools I have acquired myself and leaving me with nothing. That as I learn new skills, I will be able to let the old ones go in their own time.
Maybe take what you've written here to your next appointment and ask her to explain clearly to you what she feels about it.
 
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I am not sure how to better explain the false memory. Not like God. I guess sort of like a variant on what the outcome of EMDR is supposed to do. Just using your imagination instead.
I guess I wouldn't call it a false memory - it makes me think of maladaptive daydreaming. Except in this particular case, I'm not so sure it counts as maladaptive. I think its a great opportunity to get deeper into this conversation with your therapist.
 
I don't see how giving up something that is such a comfort before (as stated above) u have replacement coping strategies can be helpful. I'm nearly 40 & still terrified of being in the shower & I'm still afraid of the "evil in the dark", I'd love to have the protective feeling you describe & wouldn't let go until I was well & truly ready. I hope your therapist listens to how much this has affected u & ur recovery
 
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